Texts From Last Night · MrsPotatoDick's Favorites

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MrsPotatoDick's Favorites Texts:

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

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(806): View more from Texas

And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...

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(410): View more from Maryland

He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(512): View more from Texas

He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(281): View more from Texas

Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(650): View more from California

Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?

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(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(+34): View more from Spain

what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(203): View more from Connecticut

but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(248): View more from Michigan

we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."

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(678): View more from Georgia

Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(906): View more from Michigan

nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(727): View more from Florida

He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.

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(408): View more from California

I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(587): View more from Alberta

She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(210): View more from Texas

Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(904): View more from Florida

I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(+48): View more from Poland

there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover

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(302): View more from Delaware

I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(636): View more from Missouri

The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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(619): View more from California

It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

school has made you so classy.

(514): View more from Quebec

that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

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(805): View more from California

i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(303): View more from Colorado

stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(925): View more from California

I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(702): View more from Nevada

he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(+43): View more from

my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

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(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(619): View more from California

I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(817): View more from Texas

would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(518): View more from New York

Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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(801): View more from Utah

i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.

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(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.

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(858): View more from California

Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(954): View more from Florida

so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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(305): View more from Florida

She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.

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(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad

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(360): View more from Washington

not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(224): View more from Illinois

She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on

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(773): View more from Illinois

If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(214): View more from Texas

Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.

(214): View more from Texas

If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"

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(410): View more from Maryland

she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, I have a bf.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop

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(440): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman

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(917): View more from New York City

we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(720): View more from Colorado

how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(757): View more from Virginia

my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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(716): View more from New York

i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave

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(567): View more from Ohio

i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

(262): View more from Wisconsin

your sister was..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.

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(+93): View more from

woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!

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(517): View more from Michigan

my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(509): View more from Washington

she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(806): View more from Texas

apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom

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(612): View more from Minnesota

and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling

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(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.

(803): View more from South Carolina

I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(208): View more from Idaho

I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy

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(600): View more from

I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans

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(909): View more from California

I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it

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(425): View more from Washington

he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(+44): View more from England

I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(516): View more from New York

See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?

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(469): View more from Texas

I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(773): View more from Illinois

yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(214): View more from Texas

Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(819): View more from Quebec

FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(703): View more from Virginia

protesters in toronto definately have the best pot

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(917): View more from New York City

I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(409): View more from Texas

I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(801): View more from Utah

I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(914): View more from New York

all she had left on were here heels. phone five

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(925): View more from California

After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(716): View more from New York

how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(407): View more from Florida

Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(718): View more from New York

I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(626): View more from California

The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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(708): View more from Illinois

having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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(253): View more from Washington

I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(804): View more from Virginia

"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(315): View more from New York

So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

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(323): View more from California

dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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(702): View more from Nevada

If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(406): View more from Montana

Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(574): View more from Indiana

he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour

(513): View more from Ohio

its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin

(1-862): View more from New Jersey

doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(314): View more from Missouri

just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

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(818): View more from California

She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

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(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(941): View more from Florida

Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(206): View more from Washington

She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(206): View more from Washington

Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.

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(206): View more from Washington

i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(206): View more from Washington

My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(206): View more from Washington

sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.

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(206): View more from Washington

he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy

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(206): View more from Washington

I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark

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(206): View more from Washington

Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(206): View more from Washington

alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac

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(206): View more from Washington

Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

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(206): View more from Washington

he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone

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(206): View more from Washington

well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

(803): View more from South Carolina

dude its may

(843): View more from South Carolina

Work with me here, man.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(516): View more from New York

It was kind of weird

(857): View more from Massachusetts

What did your mom walk in?

(516): View more from New York

She flung her tampon across the room.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.

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(812): View more from Indiana

There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.

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(970): View more from Colorado

If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.

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(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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(631): View more from New York

Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s

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(503): View more from Oregon

At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(972): View more from Texas

Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(253): View more from Washington

My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(619): View more from California

We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(703): View more from Virginia

it wasn't lemon gatorade

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(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me they were just razor bumps!

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(636): View more from Missouri

His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(607): View more from New York

I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(562): View more from California

Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'd suck anything for a pizza right now

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation

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(203): View more from Connecticut

omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?

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(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

(207): View more from Maine

OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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(210): View more from Texas

"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.

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(772): View more from Florida

What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(714): View more from California

he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday

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(727): View more from Florida

I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up

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(805): View more from California

why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??

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(607): View more from New York

New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics

(1-607): View more from New York

That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder

(1-607): View more from New York

Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bet i've been more pregnant than you.

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(513): View more from Ohio

ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(720): View more from Colorado

have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

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(847): View more from Illinois

All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(618): View more from Illinois

I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.

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(310): View more from California

you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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(804): View more from Virginia

remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(865): View more from Tennessee

you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.

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(925): View more from California

is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

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(337): View more from Louisiana

They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

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(415): View more from California

Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(360): View more from Washington

Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(512): View more from Texas

New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.

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(443): View more from Maryland

a queef is a wish your heart makes.

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(469): View more from Texas

There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway

(860): View more from Connecticut

That's what she gets for taking his peeps.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(561): View more from Florida

My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(716): View more from New York

sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(214): View more from Texas

bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(281): View more from Texas

FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

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(402): View more from Nebraska

South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting a business if you want to get involved

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

oh boy

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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(253): View more from Washington

My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?

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(805): View more from California

Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.

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(903): View more from Texas

....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't think brook has ever known best

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

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(754): View more from Florida

You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(240): View more from Maryland

He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Not even the dog will look at me anymore.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket

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(216): View more from Ohio

the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(727): View more from Florida

A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

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(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

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(209): View more from California

His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(205): View more from Alabama

why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(718): View more from New York

Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she kept yelling 'call me bella'

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(302): View more from Delaware

She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up

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(415): View more from California

I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.

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(727): View more from Florida

I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.

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(707): View more from California

last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(310): View more from California

So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?

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(514): View more from Quebec

so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.

(1-514): View more from Quebec

and?

(514): View more from Quebec

luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(845): View more from New York

so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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(909): View more from California

You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(612): View more from Minnesota

One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That burning is chlamydia

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(206): View more from Washington

Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.

(425): View more from Washington

i'm in love

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(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(581): View more from Quebec

I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(914): View more from New York

she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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(925): View more from California

curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(518): View more from New York

med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(443): View more from Maryland

I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me

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(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(507): View more from Minnesota

That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(954): View more from Florida

you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(714): View more from California

I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(925): View more from California

He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(831): View more from California

I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"

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(310): View more from California

LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.

(310): View more from California

And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(503): View more from Oregon

two words: eviction party

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(503): View more from Oregon

How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

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(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(541): View more from Oregon

he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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(408): View more from California

New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

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(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(302): View more from Delaware

They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

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(716): View more from New York

once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

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(916): View more from California

He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(630): View more from Illinois

after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked

(708): View more from Illinois

so?

(630): View more from Illinois

then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(313): View more from Michigan

So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(360): View more from Washington

Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your mouth is God's brothel.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(640): View more from

I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?

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(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

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(850): View more from Florida

paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.

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(818): View more from California

Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so glad i pay social security

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(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

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(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(216): View more from Ohio

you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

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(650): View more from California

on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Colt 45 out of anything is classy.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?

(609): View more from New Jersey

dont start drinking without me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(917): View more from New York City

had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(330): View more from Ohio

We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(703): View more from Virginia

oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for singing to me while i puked last night

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(714): View more from California

I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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(716): View more from New York

i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign

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(989): View more from Michigan

I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(302): View more from Delaware

No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

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(631): View more from New York

is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(616): View more from Michigan

I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.

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(514): View more from Quebec

he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(516): View more from New York

My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(925): View more from California

Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?

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(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(585): View more from New York

there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer

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(317): View more from Indiana

if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(304): View more from West Virginia

tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(626): View more from California

They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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(626): View more from California

dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(206): View more from Washington

remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?

(206): View more from Washington

joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!

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(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

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(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

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(206): View more from Washington

when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(206): View more from Washington

puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(360): View more from Washington

my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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(619): View more from California

dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

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(817): View more from Texas

Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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(804): View more from Virginia

It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl

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(973): View more from New Jersey

don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.

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(415): View more from California

there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping

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(951): View more from California

Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(415): View more from California

I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

(415): View more from California

everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(914): View more from New York

Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts

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(214): View more from Texas

New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(916): View more from California

It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.

(1-916): View more from California

That's why you should quit smoking.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.

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(530): View more from California

Fat chicks shouldn't bartend

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(+44): View more from England

why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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(817): View more from Texas

Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Genius.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(229): View more from Georgia

whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(315): View more from New York

Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(903): View more from Texas

Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I find this completely acceptable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(312): View more from Illinois

My room smells like vodka and shame

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(517): View more from Michigan

I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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(586): View more from Michigan

All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon

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(925): View more from California

My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

(586): View more from Michigan

We did he did.

(586): View more from Michigan

When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo quero taco bell

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(248): View more from Michigan

god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time

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(248): View more from Michigan

Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(407): View more from Florida

So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room

(248): View more from Michigan

Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.

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(310): View more from California

if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.

(713): View more from Texas

what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.

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(530): View more from California

Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

(1-530): View more from California

Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No period for spring break; use this wisely.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(904): View more from Florida

youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?

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(818): View more from California

I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras

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(443): View more from Maryland

Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.

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(631): View more from New York

Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"

(631): View more from New York

I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(716): View more from New York

hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(707): View more from California

yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

(1-707): View more from California

you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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