Texts From Last Night · andid's Favorites

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andid's Favorites Texts:

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(254): View more from Texas

The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen

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(646): View more from New York

Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.

(848): View more from New Jersey

No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(585): View more from New York

My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

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(914): View more from New York

You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?

(216): View more from Ohio

We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.

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(206): View more from Washington

Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and you were wondering how she got into Harvard

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Where's your car?

(989): View more from Michigan

The girl I brought home apparently stole it

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(469): View more from Texas

Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?

(972): View more from Texas

This is why american education is failing

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(713): View more from Texas

It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....

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(650): View more from California

i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era

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(+61): View more from Australia

If tits could talk, mine would be bragging

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(+61): View more from Australia

Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(858): View more from California

I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"

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(510): View more from California

Do they make liter beers?

(727): View more from Florida

They make 40s

(510): View more from California

Do they make 2 liter beers

(727): View more from Florida

They make 2 40s

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.

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(+61): View more from Australia

In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm

(1+61): View more from

At least it wasn't your drinking arm

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(503): View more from Oregon

Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".

(651): View more from Minnesota

I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does

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(802): View more from Vermont

Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(561): View more from Florida

Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari

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(760): View more from California

I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody

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(289): View more from Ontario

Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

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(562): View more from California

I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear

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(914): View more from New York

Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"

(978): View more from Massachusetts

or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

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(465): View more from

The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics

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(602): View more from Arizona

I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.

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(954): View more from Florida

Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

(305): View more from Florida

It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

(954): View more from Florida

STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

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(503): View more from Oregon

And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.

(971): View more from Oregon

Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(530): View more from California

so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.

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(925): View more from California

You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope I went the fuck home like an adult

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.

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(518): View more from New York

I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.

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(360): View more from Washington

Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?

(208): View more from Idaho

You need southern Jesus

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(440): View more from Ohio

its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice

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(561): View more from Florida

He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.

(770): View more from Georgia

So it may have been laced, sue me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.

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(407): View more from Florida

We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

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(415): View more from California

Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.

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(302): View more from Delaware

We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.

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(510): View more from California

Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

I'm coming right back.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.

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(443): View more from Maryland

SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Next. Level. Shit.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm cool with that

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.

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(817): View more from Texas

I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(619): View more from California

She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(949): View more from California

Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable

(303): View more from Colorado

thermos full of jaeger bombs?

(720): View more from Colorado

Affirmative

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(408): View more from California

My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): View more from Washington

you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): View more from Oregon

goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(618): View more from Illinois

One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!

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(716): View more from New York

YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

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(727): View more from Florida

I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle

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(917): View more from New York City

Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.

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(315): View more from New York

She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower

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(619): View more from California

Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?

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(682): View more from Texas

I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr

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(907): View more from Alaska

So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians

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(773): View more from Illinois

I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.

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(516): View more from New York

I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die

(1-616): View more from Michigan

that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now

(561): View more from Florida

I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many...is TOO many?

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(917): View more from New York City

Yea we just broke up

(914): View more from New York

so do we start sexting now or later?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment

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(206): View more from Washington

there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.

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(386): View more from Florida

He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

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(361): View more from Texas

Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

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(813): View more from Florida

Thats alot of pressure.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

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(416): View more from Toronto

feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

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(209): View more from California

The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue

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(408): View more from California

This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today

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(613): View more from Ontario

The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

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(707): View more from California

The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".

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(757): View more from Virginia

It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage

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(804): View more from Virginia

hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'll start the recruiting

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,

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(408): View more from California

its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat

(1-408): View more from California

your picture is with misty too!!

(408): View more from California

I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.

(901): View more from Tennessee

But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.

(301): View more from Maryland

You have a very discerning palate.

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(817): View more from Texas

apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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(727): View more from Florida

You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(760): View more from California

Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(775): View more from Nevada

"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Dude that's a hat trick!

(616): View more from Michigan

I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(512): View more from Texas

Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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(954): View more from Florida

We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.

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(352): View more from Florida

I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.

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(386): View more from Florida

Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(518): View more from New York

I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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(515): View more from Iowa

He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(716): View more from New York

It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week

(210): View more from Texas

You are the most depressed sports fan I know

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check the mailbox while you're out!

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"

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(956): View more from Texas

I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.

(256): View more from Alabama

They have marijuana tests too!

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(586): View more from Michigan

Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?

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(830): View more from Texas

Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?

(210): View more from Texas

Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine

(830): View more from Texas

drunken problem solving at its finest

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(917): View more from New York City

i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON

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(618): View more from Illinois

I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.

(912): View more from Georgia

I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just feel like everything is too perfect

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Or both. Which is common

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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(810): View more from Michigan

you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): View more from North Dakota

That's true love, there.

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(831): View more from California

I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What happened to my face?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was impressive.

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(646): View more from New York

He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished

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(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(850): View more from Florida

For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My booty call just moved 2 min from my house

(1-513): View more from Ohio

This has pregnancy written all over it

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(630): View more from Illinois

How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone

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(703): View more from Virginia

Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.

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(714): View more from California

Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.

(951): View more from California

Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(530): View more from California

I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

Did someone catch you and fuck you?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(330): View more from Ohio

98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..

(973): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(706): View more from Georgia

From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?

(423): View more from Tennessee

I was emotionally compromised.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN

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(760): View more from California

I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(415): View more from California

I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(330): View more from Ohio

...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(805): View more from California

Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

You gays are geniuses

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(310): View more from California

If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets

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(917): View more from New York City

mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(353): View more from

I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(516): View more from New York

Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

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(205): View more from Alabama

No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Can I get that on a shirt

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(630): View more from Illinois

And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.

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(562): View more from California

There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants

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(312): View more from Illinois

Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.

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(289): View more from Ontario

God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

(519): View more from Ontario

Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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(214): View more from Texas

I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.

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(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(+81): View more from

I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(631): View more from New York

She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we're breaking up

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.

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(818): View more from California

You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(319): View more from Iowa

God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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(732): View more from New Jersey

soon, soon....

(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.

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(619): View more from California

Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA

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(512): View more from Texas

Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(706): View more from Georgia

See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????

(781): View more from Massachusetts

5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal

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(386): View more from Florida

Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(406): View more from Montana

We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.

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(805): View more from California

Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drink to make the karaoke go away.

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(360): View more from Washington

You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I'm puking in a turkey pan....

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(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(647): View more from Ontario

Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.

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(916): View more from California

You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(207): View more from Maine

He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.

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(315): View more from New York

i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(847): View more from Illinois

Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(360): View more from Washington

ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): View more from Washington

are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(816): View more from Missouri

So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(602): View more from Arizona

Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment

(410): View more from Maryland

Thank god I got my shit together

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(785): View more from Kansas

And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(207): View more from Maine

Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

You would never do this sober.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

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(813): View more from Florida

I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan

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(631): View more from New York

We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today

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(61): View more from Australia

You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?

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(503): View more from Oregon

How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

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(607): View more from New York

I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs

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(253): View more from Washington

Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?

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(631): View more from New York

He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(604): View more from British Columbia

That was an excessively violent trivia night

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(567): View more from Ohio

Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(719): View more from Colorado

And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.

(607): View more from New York

I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero

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(907): View more from Alaska

his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

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(614): View more from Ohio

Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

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(419): View more from Ohio

You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?

(1-818): View more from California

I'm about a 7.95

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(303): View more from Colorado

Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I can't answer my phone I'm at work

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew

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(330): View more from Ohio

He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.

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(419): View more from Ohio

How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help

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(209): View more from California

Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

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(310): View more from California

Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(406): View more from Montana

I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation

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(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(530): View more from California

At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think they're German

(203): View more from Connecticut

Just say lederhosen and see what happens

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(219): View more from Indiana

We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(406): View more from Montana

I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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(770): View more from Georgia

When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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(631): View more from New York

its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

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(515): View more from Iowa

He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.

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(410): View more from Maryland

What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.

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(818): View more from California

He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language

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(770): View more from Georgia

When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not seeing this movie with you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...

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(937): View more from Ohio

Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(719): View more from Colorado

Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.

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(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.

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(734): View more from Michigan

When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out

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(561): View more from Florida

Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(516): View more from New York

Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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(323): View more from California

Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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(940): View more from Texas

Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.

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(530): View more from California

So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(916): View more from California

Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(219): View more from Indiana

How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(801): View more from Utah

The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.

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(714): View more from California

i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo

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(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.

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(561): View more from Florida

There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(561): View more from Florida

The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Agreed.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.

(910): View more from North Carolina

My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(740): View more from Ohio

My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(817): View more from Texas

I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(209): View more from California

Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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(509): View more from Washington

Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.

(612): View more from Minnesota

His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(561): View more from Florida

I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.

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(214): View more from Texas

ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(828): View more from North Carolina

if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(615): View more from Tennessee

No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(559): View more from California

No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(631): View more from New York

On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world

(1-631): View more from New York

It's like a tribute to you being a slut

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(806): View more from Texas

my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.

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(941): View more from Florida

I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(819): View more from Quebec

The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(910): View more from North Carolina

"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?

(770): View more from Georgia

Nope, his last birthday was.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(740): View more from Ohio

I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit

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(334): View more from Alabama

Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(323): View more from California

He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.

(912): View more from Georgia

Do you need my fax number or something?

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(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

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(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

(810): View more from Michigan

shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(310): View more from California

Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(815): View more from Illinois

...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(207): View more from Maine

Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

(467): View more from

I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

(317): View more from Indiana

Can you ship it to me then?

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(+22): View more from

Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.

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(512): View more from Texas

i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.

(512): View more from Texas

Wont she be proud, Hailey.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.

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(703): View more from Virginia

If i come over, it means nothing

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(845): View more from New York

Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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(314): View more from Missouri

I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(310): View more from California

Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(210): View more from Texas

I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(631): View more from New York

I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

You did this to yourself.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(816): View more from Missouri

this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(858): View more from California

Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(214): View more from Texas

then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(614): View more from Ohio

God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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(315): View more from New York

3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

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(845): View more from New York

No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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(520): View more from Arizona

There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?

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(716): View more from New York

i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.

(845): View more from New York

Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(260): View more from Indiana

If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this

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(805): View more from California

Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.

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(607): View more from New York

you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(917): View more from New York City

No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(206): View more from Washington

AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(845): View more from New York

No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(773): View more from Illinois

the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(858): View more from California

I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(407): View more from Florida

Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(269): View more from Michigan

No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(708): View more from Illinois

You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(904): View more from Florida

the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(707): View more from California

At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(785): View more from Kansas

I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(812): View more from Indiana

she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

thatta girl

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(416): View more from Ontario

Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

(914): View more from New York

No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor

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(513): View more from Ohio

We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(+44): View more from England

if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed

(+44): View more from England

keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction

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(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(845): View more from New York

you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess I misjudged your gender.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.

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(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(703): View more from Virginia

Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(619): View more from California

Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(941): View more from Florida

I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies

(703): View more from Virginia

and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(812): View more from Indiana

Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(870): View more from Arkansas

This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

(573): View more from Missouri

You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

(870): View more from Arkansas

I wish that would've worked

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

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(904): View more from Florida

I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(972): View more from Texas

Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(760): View more from California

She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(334): View more from Alabama

how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(281): View more from Texas

I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale

(401): View more from Rhode Island

at least we're not in new jersey

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(914): View more from New York

is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(914): View more from New York

Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(678): View more from Georgia

thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her

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(571): View more from Virginia

I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(559): View more from California

I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(253): View more from Washington

Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

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(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She announced her abortion via fbk

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(541): View more from Oregon

plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(310): View more from California

my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(925): View more from California

They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(540): View more from Virginia

so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(504): View more from Louisiana

his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?

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(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(+44): View more from England

Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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