Texts From Last Night · cmak's Favorites

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cmak's Favorites Texts:

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars

(770): View more from Georgia

wait nvm its a dude

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat

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(360): View more from Washington

I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps

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(574): View more from Indiana

Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(805): View more from California

Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Did you drink ALL that 151??

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?

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(912): View more from Georgia

We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Thats your rule and this car is nice

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.

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(254): View more from Texas

He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(801): View more from Utah

He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(310): View more from California

Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.

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(845): View more from New York

This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

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(425): View more from Washington

please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(607): View more from New York

please dont tell anyone i was drunk

(1-607): View more from New York

you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(420): View more from

So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

(803): View more from South Carolina

dude its may

(843): View more from South Carolina

Work with me here, man.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(301): View more from Maryland

and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(613): View more from Ontario

it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole

(1-613): View more from Ontario

im not talking about this

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(805): View more from California

Soap is not a condiment

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(805): View more from California

i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover

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(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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(805): View more from California

the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

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(805): View more from California

My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.

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(805): View more from California

Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

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(805): View more from California

Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(248): View more from Michigan

im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.

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(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(214): View more from Texas

a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener

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(312): View more from Illinois

I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(805): View more from California

You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(916): View more from California

He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(518): View more from New York

it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(516): View more from New York

My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(954): View more from Florida

i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(314): View more from Missouri

this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I need new friends

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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(619): View more from California

I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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(607): View more from New York

flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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(740): View more from Ohio

she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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(703): View more from Virginia

She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...

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(520): View more from Arizona

woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(317): View more from Indiana

idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(419): View more from Ohio

somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.

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(904): View more from Florida

Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job

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(516): View more from New York

i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29080 3216
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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

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(530): View more from California

My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(818): View more from California

he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....

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(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

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(925): View more from California

just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(914): View more from New York

Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty

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(310): View more from California

I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(509): View more from Washington

im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(352): View more from Florida

I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex

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(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

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(850): View more from Florida

i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook

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(567): View more from Ohio

i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

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(647): View more from Ontario

he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(206): View more from Washington

i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(510): View more from California

Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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(303): View more from Colorado

All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(818): View more from California

i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"

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(305): View more from Florida

She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......

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(718): View more from New York

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

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(314): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank

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(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

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(207): View more from Maine

can u get pink eye on your cock?

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(613): View more from Ontario

i told him im from Canada, abortion is free

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one

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(804): View more from Virginia

NEVER shave your cleavage hair.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(309): View more from Illinois

(917) i just came from walking.

(309): View more from Illinois

haha you just came from walking?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time

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(727): View more from Florida

please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me

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(847): View more from Illinois

she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(551): View more from New Jersey

1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

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(773): View more from Illinois

When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..

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(415): View more from California

Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

(503): View more from Oregon

Cooked or uncooked?

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(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

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(225): View more from Louisiana

This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.

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(912): View more from Georgia

i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

(1-912): View more from Georgia

dude...come out of the closet already

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(876): View more from Jamaica

you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

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(210): View more from Texas

remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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(989): View more from Michigan

We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.

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(626): View more from California

My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(404): View more from Georgia

So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(253): View more from Washington

when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

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(631): View more from New York

i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.

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(315): View more from New York

You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(678): View more from Georgia

stop calling my apartment porn island.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(802): View more from Vermont

and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

not the response he usually gets im sure.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(631): View more from New York

I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.

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(303): View more from Colorado

if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(972): View more from Texas

she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

operation have a gay friend backfired

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(514): View more from Quebec

i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."

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(626): View more from California

They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(301): View more from Maryland

This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list

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(224): View more from Illinois

he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"

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(207): View more from Maine

it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

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(818): View more from California

I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on

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(940): View more from Texas

I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.

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(914): View more from New York

is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(530): View more from California

you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(678): View more from Georgia

better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(352): View more from Florida

dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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(706): View more from Georgia

You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work

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(214): View more from Texas

It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before

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(330): View more from Ohio

yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did you just see the Batmobile???

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(540): View more from Virginia

And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(626): View more from California

you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys

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(586): View more from Michigan

it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.

(785): View more from Kansas

I could make treat bags

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(516): View more from New York

Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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(224): View more from Illinois

his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

dying kittens.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(804): View more from Virginia

im drinking this country out of the recession.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im ready to get crazy and take my wig off

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(804): View more from Virginia

where are you?

(914): View more from New York

in the room with the baby pig

(804): View more from Virginia

k im coming soon

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(313): View more from Michigan

so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(336): View more from North Carolina

well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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(661): View more from California

Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(785): View more from Kansas

so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(678): View more from Georgia

he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(770): View more from Georgia

ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(205): View more from Alabama

I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(360): View more from Washington

just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(407): View more from Florida

My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.

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(209): View more from California

ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.

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(757): View more from Virginia

My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(325): View more from Texas

I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(213): View more from California

she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(540): View more from Virginia

when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking

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(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I wish you could order shots online.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(770): View more from Georgia

should I fuck that poor girl

(1-770): View more from Georgia

no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion

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(727): View more from Florida

i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

(1-727): View more from Florida

shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(913): View more from Kansas

are you going to last longer than 15 seconds

(1-913): View more from Kansas

nope

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(323): View more from California

Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(586): View more from Michigan

sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.

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(240): View more from Maryland

EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(636): View more from Missouri

His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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(917): View more from New York City

I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college

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(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(813): View more from Florida

I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

good thing vaginas are great cup holders

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(480): View more from Arizona

I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(941): View more from Florida

I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(310): View more from California

the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.

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