Texts From Last Night · cohofourtyfour's Favorites

cohofourtyfour's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..

Fav 2 1421 521
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

Fav 2 1429 679
share tweet

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue

Fav 9 852 1513
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.

Fav 10 1446 684
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.

Fav 17 820 1194
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

Fav 4 1188 621
share tweet

(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

Fav 7 2926 725
share tweet

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

Fav 13 1928 727
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

Fav 12 3703 834
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

Fav 9 1750 818
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

Fav 10 1794 886
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.

Fav 3 1017 776
share tweet

(901): View more from Tennessee

You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

Fav 5 1484 671
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

Fav 16 2370 720
share tweet

(251): View more from Alabama

We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.

Fav 3 1262 729
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

Fav 11 1674 1071
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

Fav 8 2333 780
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

(815): View more from Illinois

I stand by it.

Fav 5 2008 759
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

(573): View more from Missouri

Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

Fav 8 1917 814
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

Fav 16 1989 642
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

Fav 17 3119 1134
share tweet
(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

Fav 4 2779 839
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

Fav 5 1381 730
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

Fav 10 3631 1216
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?

(708): View more from Illinois

Most creative movie date proposition... ever.

Fav 6 2231 1380
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him

Fav 1 1152 595
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

Fav 9 1416 727
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

Fav 26 4777 1012
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next

Fav 1 1150 593
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet

(775): View more from Nevada

Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now

Fav 3 1433 722
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

Fav 29 3042 951
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

Fav 4 2059 721
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

Fav 5 1903 656
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao

Fav 7 1089 701
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

Fav 11 988 1866
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

Fav 13 1205 1434
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

Fav 5 2027 808
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age

(612): View more from Minnesota

Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity

Fav 6 1128 743
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.

Fav 2 1136 678
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

Fav 7 2969 805
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Fav 21 2342 765
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

Fav 2 1756 786
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

Fav 4 1185 663
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

Fav 2 1919 747
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

Fav 6 2440 824
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

Fav 2 1723 752
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

Fav 11 1054 2109
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

Fav 27 2891 930
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

Fav 4 2020 797
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

Fav 10 1284 2348
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

Fav 7 1788 809
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

Fav 12 1208 1766
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

Fav 21 1782 957
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

Fav 9 2908 891
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

Fav 2 1012 738
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

Fav 10 2528 896
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

Fav 10 2538 772
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

Fav 10 2013 787
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

Fav 8 2575 930
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

Fav 6 2318 736
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

Fav 6 1697 817
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

Fav 2 991 671
share tweet
(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

Fav 13 3669 969
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

Fav 7 2625 1078
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

Fav 9 1065 4896
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

Fav 16 1900 892
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

Fav 2 3888 873
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

Fav 4 1073 813
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

Fav 3 1437 1133
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

Fav 14 984 1501
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

Fav 6 2175 824
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

Fav 9 849 2139
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.

Fav 9 1133 2264
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5270 1145
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

Fav 43 1317 3806
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it

Fav 5 1550 758
share tweet
(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

Fav 17 836 2784
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

Fav 12 1748 756
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!

Fav 11 1576 769
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.

Fav 6 1972 794
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

Fav 6 1715 964
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED

Fav 10 844 1622
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

Fav 5 2153 890
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Fav 16 4379 1158
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

Fav 4 3499 1004
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!

Fav 10 2019 861
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

Fav 8 2230 950
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

Fav 11 3693 1026
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST

Fav 4 825 1408
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.

Fav 8 721 2269
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.

Fav 4 2240 1236
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.

Fav 7 864 1403
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD

Fav 9 1642 708
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

Fav 9 2610 1288
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....

Fav 11 1049 2791
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.

Fav 4 1374 701
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

Fav 20 2946 1090
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

Fav 14 5146 1072
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

Fav 5 1950 1010
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.

Fav 10 2229 889
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

Fav 9 2216 845
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD

(469): View more from Texas

My thighs feel like glass

Fav 3 1807 829
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

Fav 12 4348 1197
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

Fav 2 1267 826
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

Fav 4 1822 1246
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke

Fav 3 1231 694
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

Fav 7 3335 1006
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

Fav 9 1954 791
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

Fav 12 1875 1196
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

Fav 9 3020 942
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

Fav 8 1956 1018
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

Fav 12 2668 1271
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

Fav 5 2465 977
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

Fav 15 2864 977
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

Fav 4 2439 848
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.

(1-315): View more from New York

How small IS your cock?

Fav 6 1904 1122
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

Fav 11 2199 805
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

Fav 6 1348 714
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

Fav 36 1952 977
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

Fav 4 2242 777
share tweet
(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

Fav 29 3788 952
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real

Fav 3 1139 852
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Fav 24 4667 1053
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.

Fav 7 784 1471
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"

Fav 3 1421 653
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.

Fav 7 854 1898
share tweet
(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

Fav 12 3432 927
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again

Fav 5 830 2080
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

Fav 3 2437 696
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.

Fav 1 1449 618
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.

Fav 2 1710 760
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

Fav 8 2019 898
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 946
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

Fav 12 3009 926
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

Fav 17 2077 1255
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

Fav 30 1559 4292
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

Fav 8 2090 1101
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

Fav 6 4128 1085
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

Fav 5 2435 1019
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

Fav 3 1827 753
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

Fav 9 1141 2668
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

Fav 3 1881 853
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out

Fav 5 1044 1649
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

Fav 18 1675 4079
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.

Fav 8 1802 746
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

Fav 17 1885 1017
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

Fav 5 1995 770
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

Fav 20 3996 970
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1063
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

Fav 54 1755 6807
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?

Fav 11 2134 751
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

Fav 7 949 1871
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

Fav 16 2819 1126
share tweet
(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

Fav 14 4447 1315
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

Fav 3 1857 759
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

Fav 11 1946 756
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

Fav 7 2182 1093
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

Fav 9 2825 934
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

Fav 5 2899 939
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

Fav 3 1769 756
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

Fav 11 2679 961
share tweet
(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

Fav 10 2637 1839
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

Fav 8 2299 805
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

Fav 22 2224 771
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience

Fav 8 2104 794
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

Fav 23 4749 957
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

Fav 7 2296 922
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3853 1028
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

Fav 5 2053 882
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

Fav 9 2088 935
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

Fav 3 2006 905
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.

Fav 4 1635 792
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

Fav 4 2240 821
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

Fav 25 3577 947
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

Fav 4 1212 1258
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6939 1202
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

Fav 7 1782 1219
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

Fav 12 3104 988
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

Fav 23 3014 1039
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

Fav 27 4343 1102
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

Fav 4 1550 988
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

Fav 6 3456 1254
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

Fav 8 2724 1001
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

Fav 28 3399 1545
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

Fav 7 1599 1035
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

Fav 8 2332 902
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

Fav 5 2583 960
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

Fav 6 4153 1067
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

Fav 10 3668 957
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4215 1124
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

Fav 8 1309 1485
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

Fav 9 2171 864
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

Fav 23 2574 1249
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

Fav 20 3222 1026
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

Fav 17 1038 3824
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.

Fav 5 1430 1441
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

Fav 5 1330 750
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

Fav 11 3409 1021
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

Fav 9 1629 811
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

Fav 5 2183 1031
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

Fav 5 1943 735
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

Fav 9 1939 836
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready

Fav 15 2032 1653
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"

Fav 9 801 2433
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

Fav 10 2846 863
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

Fav 17 2929 942
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you

Fav 5 1651 1019
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

Fav 29 4360 1013
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

Fav 4 974 1718
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4342 1440
share tweet
(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

Fav 12 1386 2353
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

Fav 18 2802 1313
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

Fav 18 1330 3275
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

Fav 14 3218 955
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

Fav 6 3642 969
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

Fav 5 3624 897
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

Fav 18 942 1717
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

Fav 17 2786 1016
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.

Fav 2 1909 1025
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

Fav 20 1198 4026
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

Fav 7 2158 936
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.

Fav 2 2157 896
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song

Fav 4 1969 757
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 9 1595 2425
share tweet
(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

Fav 10 1281 3009
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

Fav 22 4098 1431
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

Fav 15 4170 1125
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.

Fav 4 1917 862
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

Fav 11 2305 1094
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

Fav 5 3138 877
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

Fav 7 2960 991
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

Fav 10 2151 963
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

Fav 6 2648 1031
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

Fav 26 4553 979
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

Fav 8 4006 1021
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

Fav 15 3627 1033
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

Fav 11 3350 1041
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

Fav 6 2320 963
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe

Fav 16 937 3381
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

Fav 12 3740 1111
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Except even better, boobs get discounts.

Fav 11 2271 741
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

Fav 4 3262 1381
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

Fav 7 3296 1659
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

Fav 15 1609 879
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

Fav 8 3809 1115
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

Fav 12 2851 891
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

Fav 16 3387 828
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

Fav 15 3110 1093
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

Fav 4 1610 1341
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3627 1142
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

Fav 17 3787 1394
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

Fav 18 4542 1170
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

Fav 18 1833 1857
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

Fav 9 1110 2259
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

Fav 6 2498 984
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

Fav 3 2951 1438
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

Fav 10 3909 999
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

Fav 13 2186 1034
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

Fav 17 988 1874
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.

Fav 5 898 2432
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

Fav 9 4745 1029
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 30 7399 1216
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

Fav 11 4076 1013
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

Fav 14 3123 1006
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..

Fav 2 2063 833
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

Fav 20 2560 1148
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

Fav 5 3910 1064
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

Fav 45 2014 5775
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

Fav 9 2207 946
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

Fav 17 3355 1230
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

Fav 22 3050 1029
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

Fav 11 3497 1145
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

Fav 9 1723 873
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

Fav 12 2947 939
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

Fav 4 2504 909
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

Fav 12 2460 1053
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

Fav 10 3554 1060
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

Fav 3 2107 838
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

Fav 8 1479 1953
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

Fav 8 1626 1472
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

Fav 29 3859 1528
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.

Fav 9 939 2555
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

Fav 8 1728 900
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

Fav 33 3372 1264
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

Fav 10 4022 928
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

Fav 11 1100 2692
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

Fav 11 4729 1054
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

Fav 16 4838 1045
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.

Fav 4 1476 811
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong

(980): View more from North Carolina

And?

(704): View more from North Carolina

He melted the stem

Fav 9 1241 2238
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

Fav 18 1164 2705
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

Fav 4 4182 998
share tweet
(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

Fav 4 3578 1237
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

Fav 10 6220 1209
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

Fav 29 1276 2306
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

Fav 4 3789 1231
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens

Fav 18 2422 1085
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

Fav 14 3137 1294
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.

Fav 13 2846 1138
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

Fav 16 2185 1640
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

Fav 9 4166 1109
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1449
share tweet
(949): View more from California

And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex

Fav 7 3017 915
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

Fav 8 2459 1173
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

Fav 19 6830 1403
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

Fav 12 3418 1164
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

Fav 9 2580 860
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

Fav 10 4021 1186
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

Fav 7 1298 3467
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?

Fav 11 1558 1029
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

Fav 4 3677 1046
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

Fav 40 5855 1477
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

Fav 12 3452 1552
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.

Fav 4 1580 1523
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.

Fav 10 831 1602
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

Fav 12 3228 1125
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7695 1376
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

Fav 12 2306 961
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

Fav 7 3902 1202
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

Fav 7 2933 969
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

Fav 26 3608 1090
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

Fav 29 5663 1438
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

Fav 4 2332 974
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

Fav 29 1731 2973
share tweet
(714): View more from California

There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?

Fav 11 932 2018
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

Fav 27 4963 1821
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

Fav 5 1388 2098
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

Fav 4 2742 1027
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

Fav 11 3290 1042
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

Fav 6 5561 1068
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

Fav 16 4107 1062
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.

Fav 8 2995 953
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

Fav 20 4507 1635
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

Fav 4 2833 976
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.

Fav 8 1054 2088
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

Fav 13 2831 1031
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

Fav 6 2852 1096
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

Fav 18 3321 1384
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

Fav 16 1060 2234
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.

Fav 4 1530 1424
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

Fav 3 3014 979
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior

Fav 20 4500 1627
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons

(702): View more from Nevada

Does that work!! Please say yes

Fav 24 1020 2396
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.

Fav 10 2093 765
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

Fav 28 1105 3938
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

Fav 9 3471 1092
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Fav 11 5906 1542
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

Fav 33 1535 5427
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

Fav 7 3449 820
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

Fav 12 3038 1537
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

Fav 4 3294 1185
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

Fav 20 1558 4474
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

Fav 15 3964 1045
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Fav 14 4597 1036
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

Fav 11 2643 922
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

Fav 4 2383 928
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

Fav 6 3143 1074
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

Fav 10 3252 988
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

Fav 24 3035 1174
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

Fav 31 8778 1216
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

Fav 19 1072 2033
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

Fav 4 2340 915
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

Fav 5 1604 963
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.

Fav 3 2126 865
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

Fav 5 3076 1033
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.

Fav 30 1542 1977
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

Fav 15 3374 1481
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

Fav 12 4399 1211
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

Fav 20 3754 975
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

Fav 9 4192 1664
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

Fav 19 4547 1194
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

Fav 11 2561 1438
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

Fav 14 2435 1024
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

(1-619): View more from California

Very innocently.

Fav 19 3348 973
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

Fav 8 2458 925
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right

Fav 20 2804 884
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

Fav 12 4705 1078
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends

Fav 22 2139 2126
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

Fav 17 3435 971
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

Fav 45 3957 1629
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

Fav 34 2751 1261
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

Fav 20 1086 4158
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

Fav 10 2641 1465
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

Fav 9 3647 1316
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

Fav 2 2478 1331
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

Fav 9 3885 1171
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

Fav 11 3558 921
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

Fav 8 5026 1099
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

Fav 21 4206 2281
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.

Fav 4 1507 1513
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

Fav 10 6265 1318
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8755 1364
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

Fav 23 5330 1213
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

Fav 7 4697 1051
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.

Fav 14 1316 3664
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

Fav 9 4279 1721
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

Fav 48 1735 7026
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

Fav 8 6591 1183
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

Fav 31 3909 1778
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

Fav 14 1699 2402
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

Fav 9 6159 1066
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

Fav 13 3505 1541
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

Fav 10 2596 987
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

Fav 8 2472 1500
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.

Fav 14 2493 1018
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

Fav 5 2547 1016
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

Fav 17 3785 1339
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

Fav 8 3905 1220
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

Fav 17 3337 1288
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6537 1353
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Fav 23 5129 1208
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

Fav 63 1124 12771
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"

Fav 19 972 3098
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4992 1250
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.

Fav 6 3522 972
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

Fav 5 3948 990
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there

Fav 9 986 2793
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

Fav 10 2637 1104
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

Fav 14 3759 1040
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

Fav 30 1322 5547
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

Fav 19 2646 1267
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

Fav 3 3948 1141
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

Fav 21 4880 1369
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

Fav 12 5602 1205
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

Fav 16 1867 3012
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

Fav 12 4123 1128
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

Fav 28 1613 2918
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

Fav 6 2175 1091
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

Fav 9 2853 1019
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

Fav 7 3542 942
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1493
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

Fav 7 1839 1852
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

Fav 7 1868 3135
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

Fav 18 3784 1007
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

Fav 9 5907 1377
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

Fav 7 3595 1269
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

Fav 6 3161 1100
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

Fav 8 3999 1359
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

Fav 65 3435 5729
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

Fav 25 4008 1758
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

Fav 11 1269 1974
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

Fav 11 1150 2034
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

Fav 8 3016 1184
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

Fav 6 3534 1248
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

Fav 12 1343 2263
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

Fav 17 3047 4590
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

Fav 2 3758 1013
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

Fav 24 3815 1759
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.

Fav 6 1848 854
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

Fav 8 2670 880
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

Fav 9 3404 1200
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

Fav 11 4045 1034
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

Fav 17 1059 2451
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.

Fav 7 3037 947
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

Fav 13 8840 1444
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

Fav 6 1632 3019
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

Fav 18 1437 6825
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

Fav 12 3221 1110
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

Fav 6 1054 1576
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.

Fav 13 2725 811
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

Fav 20 3452 1593
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?

Fav 6 2592 1241
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

Fav 9 1926 2140
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

Fav 9 3159 1433
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

Fav 9 4069 1069
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

Fav 9 903 2610
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol

Fav 5 1586 854
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

Fav 8 6102 1166
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!

Fav 5 1924 1376
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

Fav 12 2787 948
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

Fav 13 4521 1198
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

Fav 7 2219 927
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

Fav 7 3156 1200
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

Fav 8 4514 940
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

Fav 14 3638 1034
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5779 1299
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

Fav 15 2671 1210
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

Fav 11 5014 1090
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

Fav 7 1099 3598
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

Fav 10 3572 1040
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

Fav 6 3999 933
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

Fav 4 3053 938
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

Fav 1 1844 1027
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.

Fav 4 704 2398
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.

Fav 5 1812 1256
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4308 1891
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

Fav 10 1755 2259
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

Fav 18 1532 3532
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

Fav 3 3155 1685
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

Fav 10 3661 1027
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata

Fav 5 2638 926
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

Fav 6 4788 1169
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

Fav 19 1853 3592
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.

Fav 10 3150 1613
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

Fav 7 2813 1014
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

Fav 17 7811 1401
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

Fav 9 4432 1224
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

Fav 3 2514 1210
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

Fav 9 3168 1175
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

Fav 24 8269 1679
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

Fav 8 3610 1107
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

Fav 8 4289 1284
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

Fav 15 3728 1295
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.

Fav 4 2014 855
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

Fav 11 4953 1498
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

Fav 12 1654 2982
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

Fav 11 3104 1799
share tweet
(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

Fav 33 6756 2562
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

Fav 7 4437 1081
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

Fav 27 10891 1407
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

Fav 5 5054 1286
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

Fav 4 3540 1215
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

Fav 6 4374 1207
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

Fav 5 3330 1110
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

Fav 4 2559 1261
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

Fav 11 3058 1216
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

Fav 3 3279 1095
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

Fav 7 3675 1081
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

Fav 6 3256 1225
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

Fav 3 1937 902
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light

Fav 5 2305 1438
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

Fav 9 2645 1233
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

Fav 7 4519 1062
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

Fav 11 4338 1219
share tweet
(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

Fav 15 4865 1278
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

Fav 13 3205 2550
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

Fav 10 3789 1349
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

Fav 7 3040 1281
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

Fav 13 4303 1302
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

Fav 10 3263 1435
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

Fav 7 3305 1456
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7787 1514
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

Fav 6 3350 1319
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

Fav 21 5925 1804
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

Fav 2 2147 787
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 910
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

Fav 27 3497 967
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6192 1397
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

Fav 14 2018 4563
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

Fav 25 2299 4967
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."

Fav 4 2709 918
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

Fav 14 1177 4259
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

Fav 9 1150 2212
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

Fav 6 2550 1022
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

Fav 15 2602 1453
share tweet
(925): View more from California

After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

Fav 10 4298 1598
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

Fav 67 2247 7876
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

Fav 10 3559 1173
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

Fav 12 3569 1331
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

Fav 4 4004 1182
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2581 1033
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

Fav 7 3623 1655
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

Fav 11 5322 1891
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6680 1267
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

Fav 8 2471 1159
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12314 1861
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.

Fav 2 2708 884
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

Fav 12 7474 1483
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

Fav 12 5386 1234
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.

Fav 6 3154 1304
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

Fav 6 2446 2002
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

Fav 5 1463 2669
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4651 1100
share tweet
(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

Fav 6 3375 1514
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

Fav 8 2653 1241
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

Fav 14 4425 1291
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

Fav 20 3822 1742
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

Fav 4 3571 1046
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

Fav 5 2780 1076
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

Fav 4 4556 1073
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

Fav 3 3340 1430
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

Fav 19 4331 1777
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?

Fav 9 2433 1296
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

Fav 13 3650 1623
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

Fav 13 5885 1557
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

Fav 16 2629 2861
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

Fav 8 5697 1245
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

Fav 9 1343 4461
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

Fav 26 2584 9621
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

Fav 10 4330 1077
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

Fav 11 1566 2694
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

Fav 33 11717 1645
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

Fav 22 2300 3712
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

Fav 20 3279 1572
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6282 1804
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5790 1559
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business

Fav 5 2894 1207
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

Fav 3 2579 1086
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4778 2540
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

Fav 10 3386 1863
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

Fav 14 7535 1510
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

Fav 50 2753 5909
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6690 1664
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1553
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right

Fav 20 4996 2158
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

Fav 9 3086 1393
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

Fav 5 2836 1555
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3368 1165
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5460 1637
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6436 1597
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

Fav 11 3256 1907
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

Fav 8 3512 1092
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

Fav 8 4342 1345
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

Fav 33 3426 2734
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4676 1173
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

Fav 4 2853 928
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

Fav 11 5229 1141
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7083 1890
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

Fav 7 3496 1368
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6505 1701
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

Fav 12 4977 1517
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

Fav 33 6482 2072
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5521 1504
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

Fav 5 4682 1917
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

Fav 22 5764 3683
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7703 1289
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9867 1514
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

Fav 4 3640 1150
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

Fav 13 1459 4554
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9972 3495
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

Fav 16 1440 3743
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3894 1209
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

Fav 20 4760 1278
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

Fav 24 7075 2395
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

Fav 30 9958 1580
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

Fav 15 7500 1514
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

Fav 12 3072 1566
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2403
share tweet
(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

Fav 6 4320 1747
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

Fav 10 5083 1553
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

Fav 5 3694 1196
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

Fav 12 5514 1495
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

Fav 5 3524 1195
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

Fav 10 3943 1676
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6295 2285
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

Fav 9 4583 1105
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

Fav 42 9845 1758
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1292
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6217 1568
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8756 1373
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

Fav 9 4675 1851
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

Fav 28 12568 1468
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

Fav 32 7818 1348
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

Fav 14 5187 1711
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

Fav 6 4744 1207
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

Fav 13 4628 2147
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

Fav 10 3039 1419
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

Fav 14 6882 1432
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

Fav 15 4745 1310
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

Fav 7 1812 3731
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

Fav 11 8842 1336
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10581 1520
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

Fav 7 2956 1173
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8485 1597
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

Fav 10 8135 1490
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

Fav 6 4065 1029
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

Fav 4 4491 1150
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

Fav 18 1239 5117
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

Fav 9 2166 3520
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

Fav 8 1873 2969
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

Fav 13 2985 1118
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

Fav 18 6883 1268
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

Fav 22 8632 1934
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

Fav 5 4976 1016
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1739
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.

Fav 17 3072 4776
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10629 1510
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

Fav 10 7084 1307
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

Fav 6 3600 1465
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9488 3067
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join

Fav 2 3175 1335
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

Fav 8 4295 1062
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

Fav 29 7566 1426
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

Fav 28 5200 2118
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.

Fav 7 2498 1464
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7991 1547
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

Fav 17 2150 5833
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

Fav 7 4727 1228
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.

Fav 3 2457 1095
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

Fav 4 4913 1077
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

Fav 21 6927 1710
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9278 2424
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

Fav 2 5184 1335
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

Fav 9 8381 1291
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

Fav 4 4111 1107
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

Fav 13 4569 1095
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1398
share tweet
(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

Fav 16 7555 1142
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

Fav 21 9308 1531
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

Fav 20 4331 1505
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13082 2008
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

Fav 13 2323 3475
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

Fav 15 8607 1313
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

Fav 6 3191 1159
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6734 1596
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

Fav 5 3657 1083
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9910 1849
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

Fav 25 4153 1425
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

Fav 13 1736 5542
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

Fav 11 5122 1485
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

Fav 15 1374 3659
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

Fav 15 1918 4618
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6604 2302
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

Fav 4 5324 1151
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

Fav 17 4955 1558
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

Fav 10 7283 1525
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

Fav 25 2859 11549
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

Fav 9 3867 1732
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

Fav 23 1977 5235
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

Fav 24 4656 1430
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

Fav 19 1847 5290
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

Fav 14 7456 1643
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

Fav 17 1242 6181
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

Fav 18 9787 1855
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.

Fav 7 3213 1087
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

Fav 10 4248 1228
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

Fav 18 5707 1187
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6013 2310
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

Fav 6 1368 2566
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

Fav 17 4094 2310
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

Fav 7 4356 1617
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

Fav 8 8533 1440
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

Fav 9 6893 1095
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

Fav 16 7276 2627
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10364 2494
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

Fav 20 7274 1429
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

Fav 6 3861 981
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

Fav 20 8984 1644
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

Fav 19 8740 1437
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

Fav 19 13340 1448
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

Fav 14 7503 1455
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

Fav 15 6200 1850
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

Fav 20 1362 4776
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1464
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

Fav 14 3525 1622
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

Fav 6 2806 1516
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

Fav 10 6593 1584
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25975 2501
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

Fav 12 5456 1263
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

Fav 17 5316 1535
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

Fav 9 4719 1572
share tweet
(760): View more from California

double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

Fav 10 3957 1077
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1797 6285
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

Fav 10 3742 1264
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

Fav 20 1539 4888
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

Fav 34 8874 1996
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

Fav 19 2565 6960
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

Fav 12 2105 3428
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7139 1388
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Fav 13 7360 1548
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

Fav 9 4661 1482
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11143 2456
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8657 2177
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

Fav 20 9898 1514
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

Fav 23 1737 4593
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9274 1549
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

Fav 8 7324 1564
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

Fav 6 5198 954
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1805
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2676
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

Fav 7 6914 1414
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9766 1932
share tweet
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2893 4651
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

Fav 19 2680 6310
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

Fav 8 7513 1748
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

Fav 19 6064 2038
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5654 1473
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

Fav 7 3549 1453
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

Fav 12 2236 5496
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

Fav 15 5944 2035
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

Fav 14 6544 1597
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

Fav 44 2989 6915
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

Fav 11 13930 1743
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

Fav 21 12649 1635
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

Fav 13 5303 1614
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

Fav 64 5580 1598
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10253 1635
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

Fav 38 6986 2009
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9767 1648
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

Fav 20 8205 1455
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11689 1726
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

Fav 65 3792 6977
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1910
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6954 12713
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10797 1960
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5322 9044
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

Fav 53 11998 1839
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17985 2069
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Fav 12 5341 1386
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

Fav 10 5456 1463
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115819 11196
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

Fav 38 10918 2514
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4494
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2585
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8518 2976
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15494 2361
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6059 1464
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9027 1510
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

Fav 14 5868 1561
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9335 1347
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10888 1670
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15096 2079
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12945 3240
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

Fav 26 8368 1631
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

Fav 12 6835 1885
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2949 6671
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

Fav 15 2443 5910
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

Fav 58 17388 2470
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

Fav 42 10353 2107
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7015 2320
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1749
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.

(618): View more from Illinois

I'm rooting for #1.

Fav 37 5067 2062
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

Fav 110 9832 2581
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Fav 46 9832 2408
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11140 3716
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

Fav 35 1076 4839
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31328 2833
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

Fav 17 7686 1490
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

Fav 15 7758 1300
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

Fav 47 10643 1490
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7357 1404
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8252 1199
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

how do flat chested girls get laid?

Fav 189 1529 6213
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

Fav 35 5921 902
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

Fav 59 10619 1306
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.

Fav 50 883 7149
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

Fav 8 4794 1214
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...

Fav 18 1239 7777
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

Fav 43 1631 6622
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

Fav 7 7863 1246
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

Fav 49 1796 7943
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"

Fav 9 1088 3831
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

Fav 65 1245 4861
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

Fav 52 2381 7255
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

Fav 25 8791 1702
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!

Fav 6 1044 5639
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

Fav 55 8507 3771
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

Fav 21 1352 6325
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

Fav 20 8117 2418
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

Fav 37 3135 4504
share tweet
(510): View more from California

just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?

Fav 57 4364 1098
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!

Fav 19 5914 899
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

Fav 24 6867 1699
share tweet
(530): View more from California

the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

Fav 25 10936 1528
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

Fav 59 10082 1271
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

Fav 22 2353 3691
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

Fav 24 6933 1165
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

Fav 30 1272 5709
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30395 1600
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.

Fav 40 6197 1182
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

Fav 20 11546 1164
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

Fav 41 6375 1334
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

Fav 14 6399 1048
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee

Fav 8 5276 1085
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum

Fav 6 4175 1394
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17271
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

Fav 7 8961 1029
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

Fav 45 11432 3012
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

Fav 47 1038 10675
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

Fav 13 4510 1337
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

Fav 108 14442 1593
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,

Fav 11 3557 1422
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

Fav 18 6698 1018
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

Fav 29 8228 1682
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.

Fav 18 1777 3573
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.

Fav 65 1934 4065
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

Fav 69 2668 5468
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5458 5326
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight

Fav 50 4658 1067
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.

Fav 32 5135 1415
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8972 1271
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

Fav 19 7462 1182
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

Fav 31 1452 5002
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

Fav 20 7083 1209
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

Fav 30 2165 6203
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue

Fav 26 5015 1075
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience

Fav 49 900 6533
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

Fav 18 5624 1400
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29987 1754
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

Fav 44 6462 1367
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53649 6693
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

Fav 12 4377 1064
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1543 2095
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

Fav 27 3093 5218
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17723 1661
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate

Fav 64 5050 1249
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

it's love

Fav 16 5008 1075
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

Fav 54 5188 913
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...

Fav 48 1539 6513
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

Fav 42 6394 1348
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

Fav 10 4287 1175
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1830 7830
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex

Fav 46 4784 1176
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1173
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

Fav 8 1380 5559
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2302
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

Fav 15 1263 4373
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

Fav 23 7539 1341
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

Fav 42 11914 1965
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

Fav 61 6683 1354
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

Fav 24 5405 1591
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

Fav 69 28519 2185
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

Fav 41 2181 6689
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

Fav 44 6575 1450
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.

Fav 40 5341 1370
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

Fav 43 6759 1321
share tweet
(310): View more from California

my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

Fav 57 2740 7093
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

Fav 31 7455 1127
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity

Fav 20 1205 5454
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32307 1627
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

Fav 17 7137 1081
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

Fav 58 9170 1274
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

Fav 33 5987 1723
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1721 6565
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.

Fav 39 7226 1945
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55473 5255
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.

Fav 11 4337 969
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

Fav 9 1905 5001
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.

Fav 18 7107 1253
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

Fav 4 5175 836
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

Fav 30 5691 1965
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

Fav 12 11085 1303
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

Fav 10 1400 4358
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30640 1936
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

Fav 63 7951 1496
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

Fav 28 6770 1317
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

Fav 61 5574 2625
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.

Fav 19 5741 1012
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32282 1495
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Fav 19 7384 1130
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight

Fav 9 5292 1347
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?

Fav 17 5533 890
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18662 1506
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

Fav 40 4201 5389
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41318 2575
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46057 2515
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.

Fav 11 3999 1606
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18757 1366
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

Fav 50 2759 6667
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.

Fav 18 785 4678
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.

Fav 25 823 4794
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

Fav 32 7460 1022
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

Fav 5 6902 1010
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

Fav 13 6289 1241
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

Fav 8 7522 1184
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

Fav 24 4555 1136
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28636 1529
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

Fav 29 7428 1114
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

Fav 26 1956 7714
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"

Fav 6 5252 861
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

Fav 32 6811 1096
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

Fav 59 11639 1649
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...

Fav 63 5788 871
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

Fav 81 9000 1360
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck

Fav 35 6671 1575
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

Fav 47 9131 1129
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.

Fav 15 1493 5158
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"

Fav 40 8745 3403
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

Fav 44 8891 1042
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.

Fav 29 1478 5314
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Fav 35 1779 5297
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12023 1296
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

Fav 38 5948 2315
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

Fav 47 23058 1505
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.

Fav 47 1234 5390
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

Fav 62 7306 1108
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33672 2307
share tweet
(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

Fav 22 9455 1452
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

Fav 53 9505 1340
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

Fav 122 2028 46491
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me

Fav 57 5905 1238
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

Fav 140 2235 38907
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

Fav 21 2208 8728
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

Fav 22 5945 1119
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.

Fav 34 1568 5476
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

Fav 349 45452 5484
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

Fav 36 10315 1713
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely

Fav 13 922 4813
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

Fav 131 6584 7807
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

Fav 41 12283 1479
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

Fav 34 15913 1560
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

Fav 22 6464 1190
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

Fav 17 7505 1224
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

Fav 22 1583 7068
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

Fav 32 1150 6525
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

Fav 55 7561 2060
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

Fav 28 1528 5387
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

Fav 48 3083 6384
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.

Fav 12 3023 1312
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip

Fav 20 4491 1248
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

Fav 23 1402 5962
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

Fav 37 6871 1177
share tweet
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Fav 28 8139 1043
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

Fav 26 8332 943
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

Fav 45 6210 1666
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

Fav 23 1302 7234
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

Fav 29 8274 955
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

Fav 63 16735 2265
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

Fav 42 13464 1459
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

Fav 49 1480 5831
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up

Fav 77 1225 8172
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have

Fav 14 5494 1104
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.

Fav 15 1835 5326
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

Fav 76 22868 3317
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

Fav 40 3767 5452
share tweet
(408): View more from California

We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.

Fav 17 6116 1077
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

Fav 28 8318 1135
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

Fav 17 5665 1500
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

Fav 76 16156 1632
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.

Fav 27 4556 1255
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

Fav 36 3833 4160
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

Fav 18 6420 889
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.

Fav 96 4614 1013
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Fav 42 14770 1281
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

Fav 36 17422 1385
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

Fav 82 9357 2785
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they

Fav 44 965 4474
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail

Fav 6 4463 824
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34539 1817
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

Fav 57 27179 2144
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested

Fav 7 1974 2852
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

Fav 8 1147 4558
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

Fav 23 7595 1269
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

Fav 16 2070 5824
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...

Fav 59 1119 5449
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

Fav 33 7993 1378
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.

Fav 49 1692 5334
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.

Fav 26 4927 2578
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!

Fav 19 6091 898
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

Fav 49 21690 1426
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..

Fav 44 4690 1251
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

Fav 7 1998 3652
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

Fav 35 12443 1597
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

Fav 150 15143 3804
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

Fav 66 13654 1168
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

Fav 88 10191 2115
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

Fav 10 6620 1201
share tweet
(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

Fav 53 16176 1318
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

Fav 63 8486 3668
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11981 2456
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

Fav 28 7051 1037
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

Fav 6 3910 1394
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

Fav 10 6704 1556
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

Fav 10 3943 1471
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

Fav 60 11477 2800
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

Fav 13 1659 4464
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

Fav 33 6825 1634
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

Fav 9 4965 1539
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.

Fav 21 2913 5780
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

Fav 53 11112 2117
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

Fav 32 9469 1214
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

Fav 28 4068 1040
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

Fav 48 10858 1486
share tweet
(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

Fav 185 5560 7346
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19141 1551
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

birth control should be required to get into college

Fav 28 5986 1295
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

Fav 29 1396 6925
share tweet
(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

Fav 44 16025 1629
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

Fav 19 7298 1172
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

Fav 23 7165 1717
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64411 3036
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1927 10188
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

Fav 26 13925 1190
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

Fav 85 7441 1200
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

Fav 47 12610 1671
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one

Fav 29 1298 6826
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

Fav 67 12085 1741
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

Fav 16 8076 1188
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9263 1414
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.

Fav 36 1895 4446
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

Fav 27 6524 1232
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20810 1555
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

Fav 155 16328 2366
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19438 1814
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2620 29259
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

Fav 17 1606 4964
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

Fav 31 13771 1365
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

Fav 24 5004 914
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

Fav 13 5361 1032
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21531 1605
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

Fav 36 2312 1345
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

Fav 31 1994 1003
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

Fav 21 4761 1195
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

Fav 121 2098 1786
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173852 44315
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

Fav 75 4630 1573
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

Fav 16 2990 972
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

Fav 29 4098 1041
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

(440): View more from Ohio

Probably.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'm in.

Fav 14 4523 831
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

Fav 32 925 5067
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

Fav 22 8682 1101
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

Fav 52 16712 1510
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

Fav 16 7687 1125
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

Fav 19 5636 1008
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

Fav 63 1586 14753
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

Fav 45 6666 1481
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

Fav 48 9947 1395
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant

Fav 63 4019 1606
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

Fav 42 10306 1174
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

Fav 38 4143 1785
share tweet
(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

Fav 27 9928 1130
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

Fav 29 1643 5527
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches

Fav 15 4122 761
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

Fav 24 6745 999
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

Fav 53 13123 1204
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober

Fav 28 1402 4172
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?

Fav 47 5822 1095
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

Fav 124 6693 2748
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

Fav 25 7905 1380
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

Fav 36 1115 6262
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

Fav 44 6449 1075
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1875 14045
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?

Fav 14 860 5270
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

Fav 33 4894 1324
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

Fav 144 18333 3509
share tweet
(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

Fav 19 4890 1220
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

Fav 197 2431 27501
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

Fav 19 8463 1168
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9160
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

Fav 48 7993 1461
share tweet