Texts From Last Night · YeahReally's Favorites

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YeahReally's Favorites Texts:

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(718): View more from New York

I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm

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(530): View more from California

as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste

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(630): View more from Illinois

The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.

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(518): View more from New York

My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray

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(301): View more from Maryland

there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?

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(707): View more from California

One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas

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(714): View more from California

I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.

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(818): View more from California

Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone came in the potted fern

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(309): View more from Illinois

Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.

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(303): View more from Colorado

All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"

(425): View more from Washington

You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.

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(940): View more from Texas

I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(530): View more from California

I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.

(1-530): View more from California

It's like you're the voice of my soul.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(914): View more from New York

When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(312): View more from Illinois

My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica

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(734): View more from Michigan

Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?

(734): View more from Michigan

You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."

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(515): View more from Iowa

she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.

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(518): View more from New York

I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

That sucks

(505): View more from New Mexico

It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.

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(951): View more from California

Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions

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(469): View more from Texas

I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(212): View more from New York

We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.

(609): View more from New Jersey

eyebrows regrow, your balls dont

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(909): View more from California

Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(817): View more from Texas

I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?

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(515): View more from Iowa

SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.

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(212): View more from New York

you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window

(212): View more from New York

i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there

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(987): View more from

Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(619): View more from California

According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off

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(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.

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(917): View more from New York City

idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me

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(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(850): View more from Florida

I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...

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(636): View more from Missouri

PS: I just woke up from my shower

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(704): View more from North Carolina

His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.

(336): View more from North Carolina

You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive

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(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance

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(310): View more from California

I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.

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(727): View more from Florida

We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?

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(313): View more from Michigan

She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.

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(714): View more from California

I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(818): View more from California

All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

(410): View more from Maryland

I didn't know

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(+61): View more from Australia

It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

(601): View more from Mississippi

probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(914): View more from New York

I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.

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(845): View more from New York

I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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(510): View more from California

A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"

(1-510): View more from California

Berkeley was the right choice

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(905): View more from Ontario

No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.

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(806): View more from Texas

Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(914): View more from New York

Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry

(1-269): View more from Michigan

im coming over

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(620): View more from Kansas

We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(569): View more from

I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(+34): View more from Spain

First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Are you high?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(314): View more from Missouri

New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(206): View more from Washington

Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.

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(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(404): View more from Georgia

the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...

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(314): View more from Missouri

he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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(254): View more from Texas

We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(732): View more from New Jersey

While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

(848): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bad man.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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(325): View more from Texas

I fcuked ip.

(214): View more from Texas

Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?

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(432): View more from Texas

If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(810): View more from Michigan

Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

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(561): View more from Florida

I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(214): View more from Texas

She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter

(214): View more from Texas

Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

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(212): View more from New York

Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.

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(509): View more from Washington

Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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(415): View more from California

We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(914): View more from New York

What are you wearing tonight?

(510): View more from California

The colors of the winddddddd

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(310): View more from California

Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.

(817): View more from Texas

I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(+61): View more from Australia

For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

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(210): View more from Texas

Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(330): View more from Ohio

BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

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(845): View more from New York

Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."

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(831): View more from California

im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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(818): View more from California

I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"

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(229): View more from Georgia

As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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(914): View more from New York

Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(916): View more from California

Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

Are you goin to rehab again?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

(509): View more from Washington

but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

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(313): View more from Michigan

#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(330): View more from Ohio

My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.

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(949): View more from California

I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(214): View more from Texas

Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(607): View more from New York

Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(917): View more from New York City

You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I feel like death gave me a hand job

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(540): View more from Virginia

He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(305): View more from Florida

New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.

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(813): View more from Florida

Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(+61): View more from Australia

And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(719): View more from Colorado

That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(406): View more from Montana

just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(815): View more from Illinois

My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.

(250): View more from British Columbia

A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking too much free beer

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm off the liquor

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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(641): View more from Iowa

So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?

(563): View more from Iowa

1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World

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(937): View more from Ohio

How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

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(417): View more from Missouri

I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(806): View more from Texas

You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(309): View more from Illinois

JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(509): View more from Washington

i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(646): View more from New York

I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(407): View more from Florida

At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(313): View more from Michigan

nut hugger

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(812): View more from Indiana

I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy

(410): View more from Maryland

Order is debatable

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

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(503): View more from Oregon

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

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(754): View more from Florida

Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

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(310): View more from California

If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place

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(951): View more from California

I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

(540): View more from Virginia

wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(360): View more from Washington

last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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(416): View more from Toronto

The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often

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(480): View more from Arizona

This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."

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(719): View more from Colorado

Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(410): View more from Maryland

halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(949): View more from California

Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(707): View more from California

admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(530): View more from California

I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree

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(954): View more from Florida

I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.

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(949): View more from California

So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.

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(847): View more from Illinois

hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(651): View more from Minnesota

raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

(608): View more from Wisconsin

lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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(303): View more from Colorado

I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(518): View more from New York

i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(208): View more from Idaho

booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.

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(661): View more from California

There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(951): View more from California

Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.

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(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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(206): View more from Washington

second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

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(925): View more from California

At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(218): View more from Minnesota

nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's paint friendship bongs

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(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(661): View more from California

I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(631): View more from New York

I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.

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(347): View more from New York

So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..

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(917): View more from New York City

I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(575): View more from New Mexico

is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(561): View more from Florida

I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(702): View more from Nevada

chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

(415): View more from California

i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked

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(708): View more from Illinois

what are we doing this weekend?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(760): View more from California

double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(516): View more from New York

i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(907): View more from Alaska

marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(518): View more from New York

Only a mothe r could love this liver

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds

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(425): View more from Washington

Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(845): View more from New York

I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

(573): View more from Missouri

Found more tequila

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(520): View more from Arizona

im six kinds of drunk right now

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(818): View more from California

Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(602): View more from Arizona

By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(209): View more from California

His new job just became new places to have sex at.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(713): View more from Texas

He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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(631): View more from New York

My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(702): View more from Nevada

im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

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(614): View more from Ohio

It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(805): View more from California

I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(281): View more from Texas

wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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(818): View more from California

I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

(413): View more from Massachusetts

and it's going to stay that way

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(773): View more from Illinois

Tell him ill love him long time

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I'll assure him of it

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(831): View more from California

Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wish I could teleport

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(707): View more from California

We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

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(712): View more from Iowa

she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

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(213): View more from California

I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

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(619): View more from California

definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(806): View more from Texas

Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too

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(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(616): View more from Michigan

at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(916): View more from California

Sadness tears and throw up everywhere

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(559): View more from California

The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(310): View more from California

Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.

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(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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(207): View more from Maine

Damn you and your Monday night power hours.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

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(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(386): View more from Florida

You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(425): View more from Washington

Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water

(425): View more from Washington

Legs for days

(1-425): View more from Washington

Harpoon that

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(210): View more from Texas

i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(647): View more from Ontario

a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.

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(+33): View more from France

Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(614): View more from Ohio

Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

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(801): View more from Utah

Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.

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(646): View more from New York

He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b

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(718): View more from New York

walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work

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(305): View more from Florida

Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(512): View more from Texas

He is such a slut. More and more my type.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.

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(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(845): View more from New York

i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.

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(248): View more from Michigan

why didn't you poke me back

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(347): View more from New York

Need sex. Gaining weight.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(574): View more from Indiana

all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(714): View more from California

We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(530): View more from California

How is Miami?

(954): View more from Florida

Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln

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(+35): View more from

Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?

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(212): View more from New York

I'm drive I can fine osifer

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(770): View more from Georgia

I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.

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(512): View more from Texas

stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(213): View more from California

whats up tonight?

(408): View more from California

Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(708): View more from Illinois

we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

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(720): View more from Colorado

Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

(951): View more from California

sound pretty economical

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(361): View more from Texas

Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed

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(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(925): View more from California

Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(650): View more from California

Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(808): View more from Hawaii

some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation

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(212): View more from New York

Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(314): View more from Missouri

this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(574): View more from Indiana

New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

(860): View more from Connecticut

enjoy the hospital

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(863): View more from Florida

I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(559): View more from California

Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(707): View more from California

He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(+35): View more from

I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(440): View more from Ohio

just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(425): View more from Washington

i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.

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(909): View more from California

good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

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(661): View more from California

It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(216): View more from Ohio

thus making me awesome and them whores

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated

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(917): View more from New York City

And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.

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(559): View more from California

I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(206): View more from Washington

When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(253): View more from Washington

Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm so fucking centered right now

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.

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(206): View more from Washington

Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(714): View more from California

why do cheetos always look like penises

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(816): View more from Missouri

Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

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(408): View more from California

and pubic hair rears its ugly head again

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...

(404): View more from Georgia

In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)

(678): View more from Georgia

cunt.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(905): View more from Toronto

found the other keg... it's in the tree

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(713): View more from Texas

PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.

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(330): View more from Ohio

now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(817): View more from Texas

then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a normal friday night

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

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(954): View more from Florida

his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(206): View more from Washington

Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.

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(519): View more from Ontario

This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(281): View more from Texas

i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

(317): View more from Indiana

Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(409): View more from Texas

The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

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(653): View more from

I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(916): View more from California

They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

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(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

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(916): View more from California

i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(646): View more from New York

So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(703): View more from Virginia

today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(314): View more from Missouri

just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(315): View more from New York

You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(248): View more from Michigan

im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

morning after pill = breakfast in bed

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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