Texts From Last Night · Yankfan89's Favorites

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Yankfan89's Favorites Texts:

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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(323): View more from California

I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?

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(806): View more from Texas

I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles

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(931): View more from Tennessee

did i really sing to your nipples last night?

(731): View more from Tennessee

yes. and it was oddly very seductive

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(909): View more from California

Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

(951): View more from California

That's just where I'm at in my life.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long

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(607): View more from New York

Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care

(315): View more from New York

I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(315): View more from New York

After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!

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(647): View more from Ontario

You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?

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(438): View more from Quebec

Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.

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(734): View more from Michigan

the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(206): View more from Washington

Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.

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(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

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(812): View more from Indiana

I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(315): View more from New York

max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet

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(214): View more from Texas

I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.

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(457): View more from

Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(310): View more from California

If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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(510): View more from California

I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(912): View more from Georgia

He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.

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(440): View more from Ohio

It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

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(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

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(914): View more from New York

The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

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(941): View more from Florida

Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(540): View more from Virginia

There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight

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(804): View more from Virginia

Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is

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(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'

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(757): View more from Virginia

Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.

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(757): View more from Virginia

do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning

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(631): View more from New York

its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states

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(585): View more from New York

There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn

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(916): View more from California

No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits

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(410): View more from Maryland

Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?

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(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year

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(760): View more from California

Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.

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(408): View more from California

Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

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(417): View more from Missouri

her dad gauges his nipple piercings.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.

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(631): View more from New York

She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat

(1-631): View more from New York

I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(850): View more from Florida

If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(205): View more from Alabama

I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS

(205): View more from Alabama

THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT

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(916): View more from California

Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER

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(408): View more from California

He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You'll get a boner for sure

(703): View more from Virginia

Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey

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(602): View more from Arizona

Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(913): View more from Kansas

HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(415): View more from California

theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(310): View more from California

We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I decided to mark my territory.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

(601): View more from Mississippi

probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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(630): View more from Illinois

How much did you drink?

(708): View more from Illinois

Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(440): View more from Ohio

Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

That's better than I've done so far.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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(407): View more from Florida

he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...

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(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(585): View more from New York

She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.

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(951): View more from California

omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited

(951): View more from California

dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.

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(530): View more from California

So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"

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(310): View more from California

Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(314): View more from Missouri

also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business

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(818): View more from California

My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.

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(972): View more from Texas

We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(845): View more from New York

Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(231): View more from Michigan

I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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(260): View more from Indiana

If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"

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(813): View more from Florida

ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday

(813): View more from Florida

Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.

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(209): View more from California

I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.

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(647): View more from Ontario

He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.

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(813): View more from Florida

Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so you are graduating this semester.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(213): View more from California

hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date

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(650): View more from California

sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(352): View more from Florida

I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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(949): View more from California

Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): View more from California

The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

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(845): View more from New York

I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(251): View more from Alabama

my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(210): View more from Texas

I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

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(323): View more from California

I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward

(213): View more from California

There's a lil minaj in everyone

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the evidence from last night is not good...

(904): View more from Florida

what evidence?

(843): View more from South Carolina

my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...

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(692): View more from

I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume

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(205): View more from Alabama

...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.

(571): View more from Virginia

I'd say they're off to a great start!

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(845): View more from New York

Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person

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(914): View more from New York

I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.

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(845): View more from New York

I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(517): View more from Michigan

my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.

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(817): View more from Texas

I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

(972): View more from Texas

Wine is not your friend.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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(847): View more from Illinois

As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(650): View more from California

My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(702): View more from Nevada

i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(760): View more from California

I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.

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(727): View more from Florida

He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.

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(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.

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(360): View more from Washington

Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

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(706): View more from Georgia

after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

(404): View more from Georgia

I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

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(913): View more from Kansas

To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(972): View more from Texas

we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.

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(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.

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(646): View more from New York

Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.

(347): View more from New York

Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!

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(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.

(904): View more from Florida

And you say you're not good with numbers...

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(904): View more from Florida

just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind

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(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"

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(801): View more from Utah

The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(561): View more from Florida

The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?

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(207): View more from Maine

I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.

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(302): View more from Delaware

are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

(860): View more from Connecticut

.....a litte

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(573): View more from Missouri

I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

(573): View more from Missouri

Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.

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(+33): View more from France

It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

(518): View more from New York

I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

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(631): View more from New York

His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

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(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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(631): View more from New York

But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(407): View more from Florida

For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(310): View more from California

Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.

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(714): View more from California

It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear

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(646): View more from New York

How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.

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(903): View more from Texas

I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin

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(925): View more from California

What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.

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(904): View more from Florida

Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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(305): View more from Florida

Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(480): View more from Arizona

library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.

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(325): View more from Texas

I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?

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(817): View more from Texas

I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.

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(817): View more from Texas

Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.

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(317): View more from Indiana

For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.

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(702): View more from Nevada

There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

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(719): View more from Colorado

we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here

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(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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(630): View more from Illinois

Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

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(512): View more from Texas

Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check

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(210): View more from Texas

He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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(310): View more from California

Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5

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(647): View more from Ontario

The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.

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(714): View more from California

A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're gonna judge me.

(303): View more from Colorado

Howd you sleep with him already

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(407): View more from Florida

All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy

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(217): View more from Illinois

i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!

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(503): View more from Oregon

So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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(907): View more from Alaska

She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students

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(530): View more from California

I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

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(509): View more from Washington

So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts

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(812): View more from Indiana

She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.

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(619): View more from California

I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"

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(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent

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(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(626): View more from California

yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(607): View more from New York

You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.

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(415): View more from California

also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.

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(586): View more from Michigan

So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.

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(917): View more from New York City

You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.

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(937): View more from Ohio

They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(631): View more from New York

i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(847): View more from Illinois

His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too

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(415): View more from California

I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.

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(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(302): View more from Delaware

You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My bed is full of blood and feathers

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(540): View more from Virginia

So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...

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(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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(989): View more from Michigan

apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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(509): View more from Washington

No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(587): View more from Alberta

Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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(714): View more from California

You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(206): View more from Washington

Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(760): View more from California

Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

(619): View more from California

I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

(760): View more from California

I referred to the cat as amicable.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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(248): View more from Michigan

maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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(562): View more from California

I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you

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(423): View more from Tennessee

and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that

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(302): View more from Delaware

I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

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(214): View more from Texas

you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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(775): View more from Nevada

Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

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(224): View more from Illinois

I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.

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(353): View more from

The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(631): View more from New York

fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

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(847): View more from Illinois

He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry

(1-269): View more from Michigan

im coming over

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(419): View more from Ohio

"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate

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(727): View more from Florida

Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

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(845): View more from New York

I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(914): View more from New York

Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck

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(765): View more from Indiana

so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(281): View more from Texas

NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL

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(323): View more from California

I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...

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(949): View more from California

he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs

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(954): View more from Florida

My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(254): View more from Texas

He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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(661): View more from California

im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom

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(303): View more from Colorado

He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(310): View more from California

He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(647): View more from Ontario

well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer

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(912): View more from Georgia

That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well

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(316): View more from Kansas

I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.

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(916): View more from California

I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.

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(801): View more from Utah

When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.

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(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

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(631): View more from New York

he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him

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(440): View more from Ohio

im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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(469): View more from Texas

Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.

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(248): View more from Michigan

im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg

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(209): View more from California

She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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(707): View more from California

I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

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(503): View more from Oregon

She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?

(503): View more from Oregon

Employee of the year! :)

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down

(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

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(801): View more from Utah

Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.

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(509): View more from Washington

am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

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(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(205): View more from Alabama

We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(813): View more from Florida

Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.

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(512): View more from Texas

He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(909): View more from California

This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one

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(850): View more from Florida

The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(360): View more from Washington

Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

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(312): View more from Illinois

If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(949): View more from California

I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.

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(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(619): View more from California

Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose

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(561): View more from Florida

i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(305): View more from Florida

I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x

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(404): View more from Georgia

Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial

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(914): View more from New York

so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.

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(386): View more from Florida

Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(516): View more from New York

There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.

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(710): View more from

Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(540): View more from Virginia

come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol

(540): View more from Virginia

its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(909): View more from California

Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...

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(240): View more from Maryland

She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?

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(646): View more from New York

I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...

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(260): View more from Indiana

I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(802): View more from Vermont

laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(775): View more from Nevada

No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(813): View more from Florida

The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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(214): View more from Texas

did it hurt when the cum got in your eye

(469): View more from Texas

not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash

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(703): View more from Virginia

She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(586): View more from Michigan

we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(830): View more from Texas

Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.

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(512): View more from Texas

She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

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(631): View more from New York

only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??

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(713): View more from Texas

I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.

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(949): View more from California

i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.

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(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(757): View more from Virginia

He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(530): View more from California

Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

(1-530): View more from California

Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(706): View more from Georgia

rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots

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(512): View more from Texas

After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes

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(650): View more from California

Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(714): View more from California

Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(248): View more from Michigan

We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.

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(904): View more from Florida

You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(702): View more from Nevada

think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive

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(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(845): View more from New York

I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.

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(707): View more from California

Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(647): View more from Ontario

he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it

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(801): View more from Utah

After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(313): View more from Michigan

its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest

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(319): View more from Iowa

I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(276): View more from Virginia

your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(703): View more from Virginia

drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(707): View more from California

I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet

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(678): View more from Georgia

Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again

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(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

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(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(970): View more from Colorado

No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(325): View more from Texas

I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room

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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?

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(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(896): View more from

i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't even know why I got my vag waxed

(786): View more from Florida

Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

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(231): View more from Michigan

I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.

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(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(702): View more from Nevada

just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?

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(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

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(561): View more from Florida

Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(253): View more from Washington

don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(480): View more from Arizona

ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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(949): View more from California

He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(817): View more from Texas

not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(585): View more from New York

Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(509): View more from Washington

went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

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(410): View more from Maryland

apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(616): View more from Michigan

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(425): View more from Washington

Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?

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(348): View more from

I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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(817): View more from Texas

What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?

(940): View more from Texas

I worry about you.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a pube in my fucking eyeball

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(210): View more from Texas

I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(951): View more from California

Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(818): View more from California

And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.

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(310): View more from California

This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(347): View more from New York

Leave Me Alone

(573): View more from Missouri

At least least me cry on your voice mail

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(208): View more from Idaho

just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.

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(214): View more from Texas

she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.

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(305): View more from Florida

I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.

(954): View more from Florida

It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(718): View more from New York

Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(941): View more from Florida

You know i'm the father figure

(1-941): View more from Florida

Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(831): View more from California

My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover

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(907): View more from Alaska

The chlamydia really affected his face.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood

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(770): View more from Georgia

She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.

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(760): View more from California

You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

(773): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(226): View more from Ontario

I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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