Texts From Last Night · LolaLady's Favorites

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LolaLady's Favorites Texts:

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.

(303): View more from Colorado

Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(419): View more from Ohio

Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(425): View more from Washington

The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag

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(514): View more from Quebec

It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...

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(516): View more from New York

Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash

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(210): View more from Texas

Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(949): View more from California

It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.

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(510): View more from California

Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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(614): View more from Ohio

I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

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(315): View more from New York

There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster

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(858): View more from California

you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need Jameson.

(240): View more from Maryland

Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.

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(214): View more from Texas

I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.

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(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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(805): View more from California

I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka

(714): View more from California

I could

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(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

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(712): View more from Iowa

This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(585): View more from New York

Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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(713): View more from Texas

I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

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(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(903): View more from Texas

Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(845): View more from New York

I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...

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(406): View more from Montana

It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.

(417): View more from Missouri

I will make you one.

(417): View more from Missouri

Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(914): View more from New York

Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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(605): View more from South Dakota

But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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(904): View more from Florida

It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(406): View more from Montana

We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i found out she really is a mensa member

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

(503): View more from Oregon

Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Cockoligist

(587): View more from Alberta

Yes, one may refer to me as that.

(587): View more from Alberta

I should make business cards.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.

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(914): View more from New York

You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.

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(323): View more from California

Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.

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(407): View more from Florida

Beer acquired. Food is cooking

(1-407): View more from Florida

Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?

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(785): View more from Kansas

My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real

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(425): View more from Washington

I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(805): View more from California

Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next

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(775): View more from Nevada

For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet

(775): View more from Nevada

Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now

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(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today

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(404): View more from Georgia

The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina

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(416): View more from Toronto

You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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(815): View more from Illinois

holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.

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(516): View more from New York

"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"

(516): View more from New York

Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.

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(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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(808): View more from Hawaii

RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS

(808): View more from Hawaii

That's me emphasizing the ridiculous

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(641): View more from Iowa

As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(424): View more from California

Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?

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(254): View more from Texas

The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy

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(907): View more from Alaska

Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you

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(+61): View more from Australia

She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."

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(510): View more from California

I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.

(320): View more from Minnesota

No shame in my game.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?

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(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

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(509): View more from Washington

While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.

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(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(314): View more from Missouri

"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning

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(417): View more from Missouri

Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.

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(818): View more from California

My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

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(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(801): View more from Utah

Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

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(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?

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(818): View more from California

I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(912): View more from Georgia

He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(408): View more from California

You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."

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(916): View more from California

That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted

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(757): View more from Virginia

She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

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(678): View more from Georgia

What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.

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(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

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(217): View more from Illinois

Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.

(309): View more from Illinois

Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(512): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?

(1-818): View more from California

I'm about a 7.95

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(850): View more from Florida

So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(804): View more from Virginia

Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is

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(785): View more from Kansas

You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(641): View more from Iowa

IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

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(303): View more from Colorado

Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

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(921): View more from

Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(720): View more from Colorado

She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.

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(916): View more from California

My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(214): View more from Texas

Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up

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(970): View more from Colorado

I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

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(851): View more from

Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.

(522): View more from

Don't break up.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(831): View more from California

She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish they made people sized litter boxes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(619): View more from California

I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)

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(260): View more from Indiana

how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(949): View more from California

how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(415): View more from California

Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(770): View more from Georgia

the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

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(770): View more from Georgia

One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(415): View more from California

just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner

(503): View more from Oregon

Soooo, coming over soon?

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?

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(845): View more from New York

This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(972): View more from Texas

90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina

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(770): View more from Georgia

and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it

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(312): View more from Illinois

Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(626): View more from California

yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably

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(360): View more from Washington

There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume

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(845): View more from New York

I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass

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(801): View more from Utah

P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.

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(+33): View more from France

I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.

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(917): View more from New York City

She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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(801): View more from Utah

He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.

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(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(858): View more from California

this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me

(619): View more from California

that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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(802): View more from Vermont

Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Pussy?

(586): View more from Michigan

how

(248): View more from Michigan

Wat do u mean how?

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(586): View more from Michigan

theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt

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(847): View more from Illinois

Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?

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(530): View more from California

Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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(316): View more from Kansas

He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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(409): View more from Texas

You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(317): View more from Indiana

We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo

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(516): View more from New York

well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(623): View more from Arizona

im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(516): View more from New York

Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.

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(914): View more from New York

oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he wasnt completely random

(914): View more from New York

you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont

(201): View more from New Jersey

i get things done.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

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(818): View more from California

Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

(714): View more from California

Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

(818): View more from California

Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

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(808): View more from Hawaii

No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(714): View more from California

IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(925): View more from California

He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(631): View more from New York

She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(469): View more from Texas

Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.

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(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(619): View more from California

The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

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