Texts From Last Night · LikesItHard's Favorites

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LikesItHard's Favorites Texts:

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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(702): View more from Nevada

he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(646): View more from New York

But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.

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(847): View more from Illinois

yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(561): View more from Florida

Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(319): View more from Iowa

Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother

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(256): View more from Alabama

oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(407): View more from Florida

it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(623): View more from Arizona

everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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(212): View more from New York

I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.

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(516): View more from New York

you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish

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(925): View more from California

just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(585): View more from New York

My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(516): View more from New York

my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he was CRYING into my vagina

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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