Texts From Last Night · sweetmlissa's Favorites

Sorry Sirecoke hasn't picked any favorites yet.

sweetmlissa's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(705): View more from Ontario

They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride

Fav 3 599 204
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8304 61690
share tweet

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.

Fav 1 739 384
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?

(203): View more from Connecticut

NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?

Fav 6 1103 382
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!

Fav 0 657 376
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect

Fav 4 437 669
share tweet

(+61): View more from Australia

Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.

Fav 1 1314 453
share tweet

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.

Fav 4 1529 447
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

Fav 1 1160 441
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.

Fav 1 618 412
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.

Fav 2 464 731
share tweet

(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

Fav 2 798 605
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.

Fav 1 1294 513
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.

Fav 4 1570 510
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.

Fav 7 473 939
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."

Fav 3 942 522
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.

Fav 2 960 519
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.

(706): View more from Georgia

So you're drunk waiting for the bus.

Fav 0 1035 453
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

Fav 3 1191 679
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?

(520): View more from Arizona

No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas

Fav 1 1250 543
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

Fav 4 1934 692
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

Fav 17 2859 987
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

Fav 18 2917 875
share tweet
(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

Fav 8 3528 910
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.

Fav 24 951 2575
share tweet
(858): View more from California

you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.

Fav 2 1509 537
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.

Fav 4 1250 689
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

Fav 3 2384 776
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.

Fav 4 891 1010
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

The family next to you was not pleased

Fav 8 609 879
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank

Fav 6 717 1188
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

Fav 13 1319 971
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready

Fav 10 1122 730
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

Fav 2 1025 695
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.

(316): View more from Kansas

And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming

Fav 2 1237 677
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

Fav 4 1303 979
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

Fav 7 1528 764
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

Fav 9 1414 670
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

Fav 6 1939 797
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

that was THE gayest party i've ever been to

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.

Fav 4 1793 695
share tweet
(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

Fav 8 1917 692
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

Fav 6 1992 739
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

Fav 3 1214 620
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

Fav 6 2587 877
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

Fav 11 3070 839
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

Fav 8 2701 721
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

Fav 7 1517 776
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1387
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

Fav 11 2785 818
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

Fav 7 3423 1185
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

Fav 19 3725 1061
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

Fav 9 1402 1249
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

Fav 4 1191 626
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

Fav 4 2212 707
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Fav 21 2342 766
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

Fav 2 1757 786
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

Fav 9 1513 682
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?

Fav 7 816 706
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

Fav 10 1881 929
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

Fav 10 771 1244
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

Fav 5 905 1803
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

(646): View more from New York

Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

Fav 1 1297 727
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

Fav 7 1407 768
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

Fav 3 1499 772
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

Fav 8 1449 625
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

Fav 5 1613 740
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

Fav 11 1938 1334
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

Fav 6 2106 848
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

Fav 24 2993 1135
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

Fav 15 4101 930
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

Fav 2 1014 1342
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

Fav 10 1783 705
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.

Fav 1 1413 613
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

Fav 6 1346 632
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING

Fav 1 1677 743
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

Fav 12 1949 1046
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646): View more from New York

(239): View more from Florida

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

Fav 2 1661 1084
share tweet
(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

Fav 17 837 2784
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

Fav 8 1742 792
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.

Fav 8 927 2174
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.

Fav 9 1134 2264
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

Fav 43 1317 3807
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

Fav 10 2159 1132
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

Fav 17 2583 1183
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.

Fav 6 1561 845
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

Fav 8 1947 921
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

Fav 5 2153 891
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.

Fav 1 1778 710
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

Fav 4 2168 1160
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

Fav 7 1887 1050
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

Fav 5 2651 866
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

Fav 6 2227 1285
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

Fav 3 2427 1039
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

Fav 12 2626 860
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

Fav 11 2599 937
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

Fav 20 2947 1090
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4227 1172
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

Fav 5 1390 883
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

Fav 8 4307 1112
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

Fav 3 1274 986
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

Fav 6 1950 1054
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

Fav 8 2248 950
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

Fav 6 2335 991
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

Fav 9 2617 801
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Fav 8 2624 761
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

Fav 11 3824 1073
share tweet
(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

Fav 20 4141 1013
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

Fav 7 2660 1028
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.

Fav 4 1906 828
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

Fav 4 1967 685
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

Fav 7 2600 987
share tweet
(464): View more from Illinois

He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.

Fav 10 2814 970
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

Fav 3 3046 825
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

Fav 5 2196 733
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

Fav 16 4234 922
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

Fav 18 6100 1086
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.

Fav 5 2301 1356
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.

Fav 4 2370 1223
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

Fav 3 1188 1640
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

Fav 10 3193 1006
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"

Fav 7 873 1521
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night

Fav 11 1438 703
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

Fav 3 2103 974
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

Fav 11 2118 1200
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

Fav 5 2422 947
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

Fav 17 4867 1162
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

Fav 11 3159 858
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

Fav 6 1765 886
share tweet
(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

Fav 5 3443 1008
share tweet
(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

Fav 20 4754 1131
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

Fav 12 6836 1885
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

Fav 5 1910 823
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

Fav 4 2179 1243
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

Fav 4 1355 899
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...

Fav 11 992 1478
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

Fav 13 1176 1641
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

(906): View more from Michigan

Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

Fav 1 1663 808
share tweet
(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

Fav 25 2257 1527
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

Fav 3 1708 1033
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

Fav 4 1609 1130
share tweet
(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

Fav 9 1025 1476
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

Fav 8 2292 1027
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

Fav 11 2576 870
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

Fav 18 2884 910
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

Fav 11 3410 1021
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.

Fav 13 1479 856
share tweet
(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

Fav 5 1604 1130
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.

Fav 9 1402 975
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

Fav 16 1345 670
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

Fav 3 2265 737
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

Fav 10 3932 1052
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

Fav 7 2614 966
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

Fav 13 2895 894
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.

Fav 2 1701 834
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

Fav 6 2524 863
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

Fav 8 3071 1291
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

Fav 5 2826 835
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

Fav 4 1644 797
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.

(541): View more from Oregon

I'm dying.

Fav 3 861 1132
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

Fav 25 3812 1077
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

Fav 6 1242 1834
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

Fav 2 2375 898
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

Fav 19 5187 1183
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.

Fav 14 1724 956
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

Fav 4 1801 750
share tweet
(626): View more from California

wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?

Fav 10 1245 997
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

Fav 9 1595 2426
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

Fav 20 1038 3370
share tweet
(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

Fav 10 1281 3010
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

Fav 15 850 4584
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

Fav 6 3428 867
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

Fav 9 3630 988
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

Fav 11 3591 978
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

Fav 11 3836 965
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.

Fav 10 1936 1315
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

Fav 4 1761 732
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

Fav 4 1881 1418
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

Fav 2 1900 903
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

Fav 1 2323 984
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

Fav 3 2371 815
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

Fav 3 2223 806
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

Fav 5 2974 983
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

Fav 9 2909 1003
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

Fav 12 3424 1002
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

Fav 5 2566 1011
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

Fav 8 2481 1499
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

Fav 15 2900 1218
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

Fav 7 3297 1659
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

Fav 4 3559 937
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I need moral support for this bender

Fav 3 991 799
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

Fav 5 1297 1221
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

Fav 7 3095 1116
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

Fav 5 1729 1010
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

Fav 13 2793 1354
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

Fav 8 2920 1070
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

Fav 14 2491 794
share tweet
(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

Fav 8 2724 1119
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

Fav 16 3257 939
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

Fav 27 3112 1003
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 8 3672 880
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

Fav 10 4030 889
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

Fav 11 5004 1139
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

Fav 10 998 2510
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

Fav 14 5219 925
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

Fav 9 2581 1151
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

Fav 7 2345 912
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

Fav 3 2696 955
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

Fav 5 3910 1065
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?

Fav 18 3179 881
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

Fav 10 2043 864
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

Fav 18 1748 3127
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

Fav 2 979 1583
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

Fav 7 2843 1144
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

Fav 12 2678 2147
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.

Fav 6 2243 1305
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?

Fav 8 1576 920
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

Fav 15 4354 1137
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

Fav 6 2760 903
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical

Fav 7 1612 851
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

Fav 8 2461 1027
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.

Fav 7 1053 1830
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

Fav 5 1515 1675
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

Fav 8 2842 1097
share tweet
(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

Fav 14 4900 1525
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

Fav 4 831 1707
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.

Fav 5 1306 825
share tweet
(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

Fav 11 2418 1112
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET

Fav 6 1840 841
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.

Fav 8 977 3914
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?

Fav 6 1807 985
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

Fav 4 3197 859
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

Fav 6 3390 1594
share tweet
(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

Fav 4 3578 1238
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

Fav 12 4655 1411
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

Fav 10 6220 1210
share tweet
(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

Fav 16 5920 1556
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7696 1376
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1450
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

Fav 6 2546 945
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks

Fav 6 1767 936
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

Fav 15 4784 1252
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

Fav 14 2822 1093
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

Fav 3 2674 1400
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

Fav 12 1073 2842
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

Fav 21 1772 2709
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.

Fav 3 1493 1074
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

Fav 3 2439 798
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

Fav 16 4107 1063
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!

Fav 5 2104 859
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

Fav 6 5561 1069
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

Fav 9 2560 916
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

Fav 19 4268 1901
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

Fav 9 2047 926
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

Fav 15 3835 986
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.

Fav 7 1784 939
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

Fav 2 2114 873
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

Fav 4 2743 1027
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

Fav 8 3226 952
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

Fav 23 3128 1052
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

Fav 6 2488 799
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...

Fav 15 1326 2221
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

Fav 15 4370 1243
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.

Fav 8 1026 3046
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

Fav 7 2283 1034
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

Fav 20 1559 4474
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

Fav 9 3472 1092
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

Fav 7 2249 1086
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

Fav 7 2321 872
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

Fav 21 3741 1600
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Fav 11 5906 1543
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

Fav 10 1802 1073
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

Fav 6 1583 2847
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

Fav 19 1374 3480
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

Fav 48 1445 3539
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.

Fav 5 2605 1153
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

Fav 4 4919 1496
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

Fav 13 7200 1479
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

Fav 9 4193 1664
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.

Fav 3 1293 1002
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

Fav 6 2491 1005
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.

Fav 23 1582 2685
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

Fav 20 3755 975
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

Fav 7 3348 1102
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

Fav 8 4079 1199
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

Fav 11 3710 1101
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

Fav 7 2200 1039
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

Fav 15 3325 1039
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus

Fav 2 1898 928
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.

Fav 1 1625 783
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

Fav 11 1361 2305
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.

Fav 5 1637 755
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..

Fav 6 1673 801
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...

Fav 7 2092 1128
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

Fav 7 2814 1418
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

Fav 13 4584 1213
share tweet
(925): View more from California

WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.

Fav 8 1008 1879
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8709 1717
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

Fav 24 5503 1301
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

Fav 3 3718 1552
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

Fav 12 6393 1307
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

Fav 15 1295 4060
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

Fav 14 4933 1526
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1494
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?

Fav 7 832 1966
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

Fav 15 2859 1080
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

Fav 12 5603 1205
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

Fav 5 2308 982
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

Fav 4 2820 1076
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

Fav 5 2475 921
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.

Fav 8 1028 1700
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

Fav 5 2827 957
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

Fav 8 4398 1129
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

Fav 7 3496 998
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

Fav 6 3534 1249
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

Fav 15 2793 1056
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

Fav 16 3537 2381
share tweet
(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

Fav 12 2620 1088
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.

Fav 5 940 2454
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.

Fav 6 1503 984
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

Fav 22 2179 2089
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?

(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.

Fav 3 2426 914
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

Fav 6 3010 890
share tweet
(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

Fav 10 2356 1013
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation

Fav 4 1881 992
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds

Fav 4 1500 1555
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

Fav 21 4006 1010
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

Fav 20 5048 1084
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

Fav 6 3092 930
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

Fav 18 1437 6826
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

Fav 8 2480 846
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

Fav 4 3827 1121
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

Fav 11 5241 1067
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

Fav 5 5522 1280
share tweet
(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5393 1181
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

Fav 34 7524 2358
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

Fav 24 7883 1504
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

Fav 5 2691 957
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

Fav 26 6412 1101
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

Fav 14 4264 1230
share tweet
(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

Fav 19 5534 1769
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4453 2177
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

Fav 15 2484 4783
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

Fav 24 7974 1607
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.

Fav 3 1236 2549
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

Fav 4 2033 976
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

Fav 8 3610 1108
share tweet
(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

Fav 9 3613 1438
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

Fav 10 4716 1258
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

Fav 12 3622 1224
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

Fav 8 4289 1285
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6487 1280
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

Fav 9 4902 1400
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

Fav 54 28408 3197
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32307 1628
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30640 1937
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32854 3008
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41215 2672
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41377 2662
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41514 3928
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41770 4646
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49304 2811
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5675
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64412 3036
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67827 4684
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82798 5241
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104247 6823
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115820 11196
share tweet
(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

Fav 104 1933 38699
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4005 40868
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73987
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

Fav 11 1753 3485
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

Fav 12 1466 3375
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

Fav 25 2300 4967
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

Fav 32 5880 1373
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

Fav 11 6995 1496
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6193 1397
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6680 1268
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka

Fav 8 1732 2525
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

Fav 21 3436 1462
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

Fav 7 2881 1177
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

Fav 3 4020 1039
share tweet
(714): View more from California

He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.

Fav 11 2852 956
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.

Fav 4 2475 1052
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

Fav 6 2446 2003
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?

Fav 6 2531 1119
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

Fav 5 2558 1665
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

Fav 4 2701 1043
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

Fav 13 3651 1623
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

Fav 4 3466 1228
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

Fav 9 3414 979
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4815 1359
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

Fav 7 3460 1392
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

Fav 9 4030 1309
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

Fav 5 3653 1071
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

Fav 3 3821 1439
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

Fav 9 4077 1224
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

Fav 5 4553 1189
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

Fav 10 4690 1395
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

Fav 12 4815 1189
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

Fav 32 2619 1385
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th

Fav 5 2977 1317
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

Fav 16 4164 1768
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

Fav 12 9066 1270
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

Fav 12 4505 1792
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning

Fav 15 4088 1031
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

Fav 5 3724 1250
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

Fav 27 4162 2340
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

Fav 9 4706 1191
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

Fav 4 4395 1637
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

Fav 20 4607 1451
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

Fav 12 5577 1261
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

Fav 8 5652 1407
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

Fav 2 5485 1442
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1547
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

Fav 13 7338 1408
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

Fav 25 10801 1994
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

Fav 17 6975 1433
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

Fav 6 3913 1406
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

Fav 6 3475 1532
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

Fav 7 5598 1056
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

Fav 6 2883 2132
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

Fav 4 2660 1149
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

Fav 17 5440 1368
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13083 2008
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

Fav 14 6486 1182
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

Fav 7 3915 1119
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

Fav 21 9308 1532
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

Fav 4 3704 1028
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

Fav 9 8651 1420
share tweet
(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

Fav 16 7555 1143
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

Fav 8 4147 1087
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

Fav 25 7351 1499
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

Fav 169 2250 21068
share tweet
(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

Fav 15 6589 1662
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

Fav 51 10952 1978
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

Fav 35 1941 9068
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.

Fav 34 3010 1845
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.

Fav 11 1239 2750
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

Fav 6 6378 2683
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

Fav 11 6994 1500
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

Fav 29 2144 3658
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10255 2617
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

Fav 14 3396 1929
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

Fav 19 5243 1510
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

Fav 30 1452 7238
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6914 1406
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

Fav 27 6406 1355
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

Fav 70 3598 1050
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

Fav 6 5932 2074
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics

Fav 7 3475 2003
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

Fav 14 6796 2075
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

Fav 11 7470 1415
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

Fav 7 2064 3896
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

Fav 7 4029 1911
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient

Fav 29 1558 5727
share tweet
(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

Fav 13 6760 1387
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

Fav 12 5523 1517
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14088 1678
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

Fav 12 3624 2184
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

Fav 26 5542 1761
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

Fav 21 8967 1504
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

Fav 11 4960 1544
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

Fav 10 6629 1174
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

Fav 15 4498 1131
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

Fav 23 5702 1607
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

Fav 15 6295 1346
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11144 2456
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

Fav 8 1688 3192
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

Fav 20 5725 2369
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

Fav 5 4200 1225
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

Fav 7 4322 1196
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

Fav 6 4703 1338
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6618 2288
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

Fav 5 5377 2333
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

Fav 5 3266 1027
share tweet
(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

Fav 55 7409 1866
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

Fav 5 4646 1524
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

Fav 14 6420 1516
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5681 1602
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

Fav 7 6399 1626
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Fav 18 4317 1543
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

Fav 7 1207 2947
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

Fav 5 3773 1300
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7153 1393
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

Fav 24 1536 7252
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

Fav 22 3793 1246
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

Fav 41 1431 3402
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

Fav 9 1535 3330
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

Fav 9 5530 1314
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

Fav 12 3931 1589
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

Fav 4 3432 1222
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

Fav 8 4541 1308
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout

Fav 6 2805 1360
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

Fav 9 3933 1685
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

Fav 7 5198 1373
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

Fav 5 4393 1871
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

Fav 19 2011 4904
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

Fav 18 7489 1508
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

Fav 11 4833 1562
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough

Fav 1 2668 1117
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

Fav 2 1286 3835
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

Fav 4 3400 1186
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

Fav 19 5002 1528
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

Fav 6 3646 1151
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

Fav 13 6587 1217
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

Fav 8 3801 1277
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

Fav 22 9982 1395
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

Fav 18 5161 2157
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11813 3022
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7241 1849
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

Fav 39 2760 5415
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

Fav 13 3748 1349
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

Fav 6 4838 1293
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5384 1806
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15048 1717
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

Fav 20 12259 1657
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

Fav 35 8844 1637
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

Fav 3 6106 1198
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

Fav 5 5201 1205
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

Fav 13 4229 1620
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3393 6132
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

Fav 16 1437 4994
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

Fav 5 3380 4605
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6931 1447
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

Fav 14 7168 1606
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.

Fav 8 1318 3290
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

Fav 5 3287 1591
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

Fav 4 4838 1354
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

Fav 65 2344 16527
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

Fav 8 3838 1407
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

Fav 10 5558 1171
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

Fav 13 6210 1341
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

Fav 14 6216 1922
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

Fav 18 4676 1569
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

Fav 18 2518 4152
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

Fav 13 3050 1932
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1847
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

Fav 14 5694 2307
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...

Fav 26 3679 1234
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

Fav 9 3082 1152
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

Fav 15 4863 1402
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

Fav 13 1189 4818
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

Fav 11 3681 1333
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

Fav 10 5269 1371
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9610 1600
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

Fav 15 7179 1875
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

Fav 7 4568 1594
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.

Fav 4 3179 1213
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

Fav 16 2469 7240
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

Fav 8 1720 4252
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

Fav 20 1477 5867
share tweet
(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

Fav 10 9943 1338
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

Fav 17 6192 1307
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

Fav 8 5418 2255
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

Fav 26 8766 1619
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

sorry about calling you the devil all night.

Fav 9 4032 1203
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

Fav 21 2052 4573
share tweet
(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

Fav 36 3109 7951
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

Fav 33 5006 1300
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

Fav 41 7994 2522
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10861 1878
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

Fav 53 11112 2118
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

Fav 62 2491 1379
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

Fav 37 1153 5697
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

Fav 15 4971 1330
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

Fav 7 7864 1246
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

Fav 64 8135 1470
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

Fav 15 2443 5911
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

Fav 15 9007 1548
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

Fav 16 6925 1292
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1934 4648
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12651 1611
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

Fav 36 4970 1763
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

Fav 12 1220 5334
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1885 5599
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

Fav 310 11764 6071
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

Fav 13 1693 5566
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

Fav 18 1757 6686
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside

Fav 8 1268 3406
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

Fav 12 6240 1523
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.

Fav 8 3321 1750
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

Fav 10 1483 3948
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

Fav 25 5815 1592
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6324 1312
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

Fav 15 4955 1216
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

Fav 8 5181 1431
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

Fav 10 6284 1715
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

Fav 21 12650 1635
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

Fav 15 4939 1416
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21684 2537
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

Fav 23 7192 1260
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

Fav 14 6360 1447
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

Fav 16 5668 1360
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

Fav 24 5671 1619
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

Fav 41 3637 3439
share tweet
(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

Fav 37 8009 1394
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

Fav 11 1563 4804
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

Fav 28 6891 1899
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

Fav 53 7810 2821
share tweet
(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

Fav 15 5678 1582
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

Fav 20 6907 1334
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1879
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

Fav 10 4956 1398
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

Fav 13 5829 2282
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2739 5168
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2839
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2016 7671
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

Fav 12 3259 3094
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8867 1749
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

Fav 13 6885 1970
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

Fav 77 6566 2357
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

Fav 21 6462 1463
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15617 1661
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7700 2443
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

Fav 44 1689 8934
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.

Fav 15 3644 1674
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

Fav 39 9002 1804
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

morning after pill = breakfast in bed

Fav 22 1579 4157
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

Fav 9 1535 4729
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1593
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

Fav 35 1448 4284
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

Fav 18 8123 1226
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8324 1966
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15606 1981
share tweet
(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

Fav 17 6624 1293
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

Fav 51 9072 1590
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

Fav 6 4087 1442
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

Fav 32 2033 7407
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

Fav 21 2232 5021
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

Fav 11 4728 1966
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

Fav 15 4813 1453
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

Fav 30 2868 4371
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

Fav 20 1929 5173
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2051
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

Fav 19 5944 1597
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

Fav 26 2211 4507
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

Fav 16 2473 4789
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

Fav 15 4063 2001
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

Fav 16 6029 1733
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

Fav 11 1216 4409
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

Fav 26 7060 1339
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

Fav 14 7083 1453
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

Fav 24 1623 5320
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

Fav 27 1586 7489
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

Fav 13 1575 3456
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

Fav 32 4356 1836
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

Fav 31 1887 5165
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

Fav 18 5676 1792
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1911
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173854 44315
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

Fav 97 1305 8420
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

Fav 16 4306 2409
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.

Fav 13 4591 885
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

Fav 8 1924 960
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

Fav 20 3286 4287
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

Fav 12 5999 1150
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

Fav 22 7708 1693
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

Fav 24 7580 1348
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55473 5256
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7637 1410
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

Fav 15 7934 1045
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

Fav 17 7996 1564
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

Fav 29 9453 1918
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

Fav 37 6056 932
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

Fav 29 4052 1244
share tweet