Texts From Last Night · wally1012's Favorites

Sorry barbzilla hasn't picked any favorites yet.

wally1012's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

Fav 22 1034 3441
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

Fav 5 4610 1219
share tweet

(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

Fav 7 3653 1165
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.

Fav 4 2359 1188
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

Fav 12 3580 1271
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

Fav 9 4432 1225
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

Fav 5 2928 1106
share tweet

(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

Fav 14 4579 1368
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

Fav 11 4954 1498
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

Fav 20 6064 1759
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

Fav 8 4084 1131
share tweet

(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

Fav 62 2491 1379
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

Fav 8 3617 1251
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.

Fav 26 1323 799
share tweet

(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

Fav 111 7073 2867
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

Fav 4 3728 1459
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

Fav 40 5409 3693
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

Fav 8 4557 1297
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

Fav 27 4522 1298
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

Fav 16 3869 1671
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

Fav 7 5408 1369
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

Fav 11 3382 1664
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

Fav 4 2088 2915
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73987
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

Fav 8 3159 1073
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

Fav 7 4915 1390
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.

Fav 26 4477 1846
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

Fav 7 3305 1457
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

Fav 30 8449 1607
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49304 2811
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

Fav 15 2070 4748
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7391 5951
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

Fav 37 3266 1333
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2360 5104
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

Fav 10 4254 1396
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

Fav 25 6935 1770
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

Fav 5 3839 1280
share tweet
(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

Fav 27 8242 1539
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

Fav 38 1577 3416
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

Fav 29 4970 1352
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6201 2816
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

Fav 5 1733 1059
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

Fav 18 2286 7087
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

Fav 25 1968 3586
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

Fav 8 1924 960
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

Fav 5 4629 1283
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

Fav 17 4143 2414
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

Fav 30 5652 1615
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

Fav 12 6332 1906
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

Fav 43 7383 1444
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

Fav 15 980 3205
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

Fav 4 4800 1273
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21449 2739
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.

Fav 16 6027 1745
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

Fav 26 9532 1651
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2872 1040
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

Fav 30 2107 8195
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

Fav 14 3128 1357
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3621 1069
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

Fav 15 1416 4711
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

Fav 51 1191 5489
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

Fav 70 5482 10086
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

Fav 41 4667 1066
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

Fav 29 2443 6619
share tweet
(752): View more from California

What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

(209): View more from California

I think the two go hand in hand.

Fav 73 1434 6323
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17986 2069
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

Fav 19 6302 1105
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

Fav 21 1890 2263
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

Fav 8 1022 1617
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

Fav 7 3504 1347
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

Fav 21 6810 1090
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

Fav 39 9612 1318
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11786 3050
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22592 1879
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.

Fav 11 1233 3606
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

Fav 9 6228 1324
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged

Fav 8 1285 3784
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.

Fav 33 6071 1214
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.

Fav 38 5484 927
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1853
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

Fav 43 10098 1430
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

i just snorted my name. best moment ever

Fav 44 2747 3419
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

(612): View more from Minnesota

I want my thong back.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I hate you tequila.

Fav 16 5396 1124
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

Fav 8 2040 937
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10876 1422
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

Fav 20 8141 1546
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

Fav 10 11656 1466
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2041
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

Fav 26 3603 1572
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

Fav 38 6534 1028
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

smell my finger.

Fav 80 1898 5359
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

Fav 18 4051 2433
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

(616): View more from Michigan

He did it well too

Fav 57 9208 1071
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

Fav 10 4059 1003
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

Fav 5 3773 1300
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

Fav 72 2259 8309
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

Fav 17 2925 1075
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

Fav 10 3290 1139
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

Fav 16 3127 2398
share tweet
(818): View more from California

she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

Fav 12 1176 4418
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

Fav 19 2187 5870
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

Fav 22 1368 8417
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

Fav 12 1248 3622
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

Fav 43 7251 1348
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

Fav 30 5538 1013
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

Fav 14 4801 1277
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra

Fav 8 3331 1213
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

Fav 18 1039 6214
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

Fav 66 5977 3122
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...

Fav 24 5850 1120
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

Fav 16 5363 1193
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

Fav 18 3871 1234
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

Fav 41 5027 9347
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

Fav 7 1344 2811
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Fav 33 2695 6894
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

Fav 18 8621 1351
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

Fav 8 2839 1013
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

Fav 10 3679 1216
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4294 1832
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

Fav 17 4567 1700
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

Fav 10 1756 3380
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

Fav 23 6542 2098
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

Fav 11 3866 2220
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it

Fav 8 1677 3540
share tweet
(213): View more from California

You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.

Fav 14 3216 1390
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

Fav 15 4287 1798
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

Fav 5 3329 1153
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

Fav 6 3423 1148
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.

Fav 5 3246 1103
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

Fav 15 4746 1310
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

Fav 4 3709 1161
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

Fav 11 5699 1174
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14188 1707
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

Fav 25 10801 1994
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

Fav 21 11979 1408
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

Fav 9 3848 1131
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

Fav 4 3325 1096
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

Fav 3 2539 1347
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8353 2005
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1740
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

Fav 13 4100 1172
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

Fav 5 1620 3214
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

Fav 7 3499 2260
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

Fav 7 1357 3578
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

Fav 2 3019 1027
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards

Fav 9 3718 916
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7528 1244
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

Fav 2 2609 1389
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair

Fav 21 7516 1428
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

Fav 12 4714 1025
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.

Fav 16 936 2497
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

Fav 7 5687 1681
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

Fav 7 3020 1127
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

Fav 7 3555 1069
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

Fav 6 3913 1406
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

Fav 63 1500 5623
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.

Fav 15 3422 2199
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

Fav 14 6339 1460
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10068 2797
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

Fav 14 5324 1472
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

Fav 25 1272 3894
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....

Fav 3 4564 872
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

Fav 18 1499 2473
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

Fav 19 1731 3510
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

Fav 25 1264 4781
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

Fav 23 7117 1739
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

Fav 16 5184 1435
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

Fav 34 6810 1218
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

Fav 13 2660 1060
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

Fav 24 3614 1037
share tweet
(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

Fav 11 3937 1214
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

Fav 20 7402 2127
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

Fav 12 7455 1262
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

Fav 14 7472 1157
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.

Fav 15 4535 644
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5430 1469
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly

Fav 24 1125 7520
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

Fav 35 6124 1008
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

Fav 43 8625 1003
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

Fav 29 5483 1996
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6034
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2214
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9278 2425
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

Fav 19 13340 1449
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14526 5762
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14873 2883
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2557
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Fav 37 16399 1541
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4495
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

Fav 131 14933 3471
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

Fav 25 14581 1254
share tweet
(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

Fav 44 16026 1629
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

Fav 33 15450 1149
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

Fav 33 16033 1365
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15842 1928
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1551
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

Fav 44 17870 1596
share tweet
(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Fav 34 17972 2086
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

Fav 47 19507 1276
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27830 2972
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10745
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

Fav 22 29935 1590
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34540 1817
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

Fav 91 31987 1633
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2303
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40094 2215
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39770 2393
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39786 2523
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

Fav 349 45453 5485
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45578 2413
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63487 2873
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet