Texts From Last Night · taterpie2's Favorites

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taterpie2's Favorites Texts:

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

you DO IT for the people

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(310): View more from California

I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.

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(360): View more from Washington

Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life

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(571): View more from Virginia

we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy

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(813): View more from Florida

Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!

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(765): View more from Indiana

Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.

Fav 1 727 246
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.

Fav 5 704 283
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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent

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(209): View more from California

I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.

Fav 2 682 342
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(707): View more from California

I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.

Fav 6 947 358
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!

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(915): View more from Texas

Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.

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(716): View more from New York

I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

Fav 6 1192 421
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(705): View more from Ontario

Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life

Fav 1 510 382
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(205): View more from Alabama

Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on

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(320): View more from Minnesota

So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"

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(810): View more from Michigan

He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

New vibrator arrived today.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who are these wee mortals we call men?

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(765): View more from Indiana

Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.

Fav 4 794 362
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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.

Fav 3 690 374
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(720): View more from Colorado

Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.

Fav 9 805 479
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(507): View more from Minnesota

Waffles and pussy, what else is there?

Fav 7 614 321
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.

Fav 7 656 400
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(519): View more from Ontario

Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today

Fav 1 456 330
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(516): View more from New York

If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.

Fav 2 946 338
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(347): View more from New York

tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???

Fav 5 721 469
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(503): View more from Oregon

I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?

Fav 2 488 802
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(812): View more from Indiana

Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?

Fav 2 401 448
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(713): View more from Texas

I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

Fav 7 1427 404
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(509): View more from Washington

You are the jesus of drinking

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out

Fav 5 430 654
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(512): View more from Texas

Come to this bar

(1-512): View more from Texas

But I'm full of food.

(512): View more from Texas

MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK

Fav 3 1185 441
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(231): View more from Michigan

Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.

Fav 5 584 465
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.

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(972): View more from Texas

I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened

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(573): View more from Missouri

The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.

Fav 6 1145 388
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(520): View more from Arizona

This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.

Fav 2 506 492
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.

Fav 2 765 364
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(618): View more from Illinois

Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?

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(714): View more from California

I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.

Fav 1 407 637
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(719): View more from Colorado

Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?

Fav 6 853 463
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(443): View more from Maryland

So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina

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(804): View more from Virginia

We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.

Fav 2 594 366
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(517): View more from Michigan

I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody

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(801): View more from Utah

You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....

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(210): View more from Texas

You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

(662): View more from Mississippi

That's a beautiful sentiment.

Fav 2 774 393
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(720): View more from Colorado

Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.

Fav 4 951 380
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.

Fav 4 769 370
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(913): View more from Kansas

Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.

Fav 0 574 351
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(239): View more from Florida

You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not

Fav 5 439 1087
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(586): View more from Michigan

Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.

Fav 2 600 381
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(716): View more from New York

Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.

Fav 1 440 588
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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.

Fav 1 480 719
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(330): View more from Ohio

I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now

Fav 0 564 465
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(317): View more from Indiana

She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave

Fav 2 1059 406
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(919): View more from North Carolina

My legs feel like baby dolphins

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

Fav 4 1137 470
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.

Fav 0 391 536
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(212): View more from New York

He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.

Fav 1 789 613
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(541): View more from Oregon

i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime

Fav 1 625 736
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(979): View more from Texas

I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.

Fav 5 935 408
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(763): View more from Minnesota

Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?

Fav 4 485 434
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(206): View more from Washington

Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk

Fav 2 478 529
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(845): View more from New York

I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise

Fav 3 612 378
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(416): View more from Toronto

why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.

Fav 4 415 709
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(512): View more from Texas

just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.

Fav 4 589 486
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(317): View more from Indiana

Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.

Fav 7 924 557
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(435): View more from Utah

I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.

Fav 3 522 385
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(518): View more from New York

ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens

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(631): View more from New York

Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis

Fav 1 730 397
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(448): View more from

sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth

Fav 3 429 746
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(626): View more from California

Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes

Fav 9 542 708
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.

Fav 4 642 474
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(443): View more from Maryland

I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity

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(512): View more from Texas

I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only

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(201): View more from New Jersey

UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK

Fav 2 690 373
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(435): View more from Utah

It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.

Fav 3 822 430
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(847): View more from Illinois

I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.

(219): View more from Indiana

My kitchen gets me.

Fav 0 754 443
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.

Fav 2 1026 508
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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm high. ignore me

Fav 1 870 375
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(571): View more from Virginia

Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.

Fav 2 607 513
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer

Fav 1 663 518
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(310): View more from California

last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole

Fav 2 604 799
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(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

Fav 0 617 412
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(870): View more from Arkansas

You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.

Fav 1 965 372
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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.

Fav 4 639 387
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(302): View more from Delaware

I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.

Fav 4 987 353
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(361): View more from Texas

You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.

Fav 2 450 618
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes

Fav 2 742 346
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(647): View more from Ontario

I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men

Fav 1 727 412
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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..

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(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

Fav 14 2840 1167
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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.

Fav 5 1004 616
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.

Fav 2 773 445
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(208): View more from Idaho

You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.

Fav 2 693 412
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(519): View more from Ontario

She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.

Fav 2 1018 478
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?

Fav 3 646 493
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(630): View more from Illinois

Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.

Fav 5 605 440
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(503): View more from Oregon

Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.

Fav 2 722 446
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(240): View more from Maryland

I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.

Fav 0 770 700
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(407): View more from Florida

My vagina is officially offended.

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(+33): View more from France

if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?

Fav 1 561 316
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.

Fav 4 1529 447
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(904): View more from Florida

would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?

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(775): View more from Nevada

You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe

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(530): View more from California

I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other

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(206): View more from Washington

I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM

Fav 5 486 648
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(909): View more from California

If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?

Fav 4 641 383
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.

Fav 8 483 751
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(515): View more from Iowa

But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.

Fav 0 752 390
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.

Fav 4 607 511
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.

Fav 7 766 406
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(807): View more from Ontario

I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.

Fav 0 735 355
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(614): View more from Ohio

You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.

Fav 1 804 435
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!

Fav 7 802 669
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.

Fav 3 1093 382
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(763): View more from Minnesota

I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.

Fav 2 760 475
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(904): View more from Florida

There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.

Fav 3 512 571
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(210): View more from Texas

Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.

Fav 3 958 393
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(937): View more from Ohio

Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.

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(206): View more from Washington

I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.

Fav 6 873 384
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(586): View more from Michigan

ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....

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(941): View more from Florida

I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?

Fav 5 757 322
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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar

Fav 2 837 448
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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis

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(913): View more from Kansas

I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus

Fav 2 916 434
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(636): View more from Missouri

Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me

(604): View more from British Columbia

Bring breadsticks

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(914): View more from New York

I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball

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(801): View more from Utah

I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic

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(810): View more from Michigan

You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?

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(330): View more from Ohio

That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life

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(714): View more from California

I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job

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(630): View more from Illinois

The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.

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(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.

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(775): View more from Nevada

As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then

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(407): View more from Florida

I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO

Fav 2 1014 440
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(630): View more from Illinois

HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.

Fav 3 841 602
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(941): View more from Florida

she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.

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(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.

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(804): View more from Virginia

One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen

(1-804): View more from Virginia

summertime

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(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.

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(917): View more from New York City

At a point I was just cumming dust last night

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(210): View more from Texas

If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.

Fav 2 985 413
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(847): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take

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(214): View more from Texas

She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

Fav 2 1000 592
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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(843): View more from South Carolina

After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.

Fav 4 1450 469
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(256): View more from Alabama

Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.

Fav 2 487 627
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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

Fav 2 1208 464
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(520): View more from Arizona

No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.

Fav 4 595 749
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(503): View more from Oregon

Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?

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(804): View more from Virginia

My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.

Fav 4 1070 519
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(425): View more from Washington

Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.

(425): View more from Washington

Sleeping with just one person sucks

Fav 5 766 594
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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

Fav 17 2614 1248
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(616): View more from Michigan

He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.

Fav 9 1113 521
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(678): View more from Georgia

If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.

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(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is

Fav 2 798 524
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(802): View more from Vermont

Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist

Fav 7 946 617
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(361): View more from Texas

He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.

Fav 1 778 416
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(386): View more from Florida

I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty

Fav 3 787 499
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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral

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(770): View more from Georgia

She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.

Fav 11 1064 2514
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(801): View more from Utah

Why is your solution always to masturbate

(1-801): View more from Utah

Because it usually works

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(212): View more from New York

She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.

Fav 4 1570 510
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(901): View more from Tennessee

This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.

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(585): View more from New York

Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.

Fav 4 816 459
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(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

Fav 8 1169 515
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(770): View more from Georgia

You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy

Fav 3 776 533
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.

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(818): View more from California

I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.

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(818): View more from California

Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time

Fav 2 669 531
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(916): View more from California

I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.

Fav 2 933 498
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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore

Fav 11 908 478
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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(585): View more from New York

He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

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(512): View more from Texas

And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...

Fav 2 899 484
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(682): View more from Texas

You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...

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(303): View more from Colorado

She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

Fav 3 1191 679
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(773): View more from Illinois

I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.

(810): View more from Michigan

family traditions my good sir

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(901): View more from Tennessee

he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.

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(626): View more from California

i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?

Fav 2 1078 546
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(402): View more from Nebraska

He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.

Fav 0 933 417
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(954): View more from Florida

I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.

Fav 2 1132 531
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(678): View more from Georgia

Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.

Fav 2 756 526
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense

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(574): View more from Indiana

I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later

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(416): View more from Toronto

Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.

(615): View more from Tennessee

BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW

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(231): View more from Michigan

Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together

Fav 2 2061 656
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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?

Fav 9 790 688
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(248): View more from Michigan

They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

Fav 2 924 552
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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.

Fav 2 533 1071
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(214): View more from Texas

Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.

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(714): View more from California

wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man

(1-714): View more from California

you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife

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(713): View more from Texas

My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"

Fav 4 1039 684
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(773): View more from Illinois

I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.

Fav 4 471 639
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.

Fav 3 1201 464
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(425): View more from Washington

Found the cure to anxiety attacks.

(425): View more from Washington

An orgasm

Fav 3 1259 460
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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing

Fav 8 1595 666
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(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

Fav 7 2756 1249
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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole

Fav 4 488 774
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(217): View more from Illinois

I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.

Fav 4 816 442
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls

Fav 3 556 816
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(337): View more from Louisiana

I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The side bitch struggle is real.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.

Fav 3 469 820
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(586): View more from Michigan

Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.

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(714): View more from California

He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.

(1-714): View more from California

That is my stoner wet dream!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

Fav 11 2454 1108
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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(620): View more from Kansas

Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.

Fav 6 741 1478
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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities

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(240): View more from Maryland

He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.

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(265): View more from

I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.

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(971): View more from Oregon

It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food

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(980): View more from North Carolina

But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(818): View more from California

I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.

(818): View more from California

I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.

Fav 13 1389 633
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(616): View more from Michigan

I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed

Fav 2 821 489
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(410): View more from Maryland

Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.

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(315): View more from New York

she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho

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(913): View more from Kansas

so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.

Fav 10 1836 1371
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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(602): View more from Arizona

Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make

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(856): View more from New Jersey

also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Didn't you used to babysit him?

(607): View more from New York

18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.

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(425): View more from Washington

I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese

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(845): View more from New York

should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"

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(323): View more from California

He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.

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(562): View more from California

I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(269): View more from Michigan

He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

Fav 7 1157 611
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

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(727): View more from Florida

But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend

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(647): View more from Ontario

He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.

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(509): View more from Washington

i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You can wear anything you want

(704): View more from North Carolina

So... Naked it is then

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my entire left arm went numb

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(714): View more from California

I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world

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(209): View more from California

Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become

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(563): View more from Iowa

What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me

(1-563): View more from Iowa

You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI

(1-520): View more from Arizona

this is why i love drunk you

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(561): View more from Florida

He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."

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(619): View more from California

you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.

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(425): View more from Washington

How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?

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(863): View more from Florida

It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was so scary.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck

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(516): View more from New York

I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(+81): View more from

And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.

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(512): View more from Texas

I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch

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(850): View more from Florida

I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"

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(419): View more from Ohio

Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(905): View more from Ontario

downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Stop watching porn on my work computer.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.

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(520): View more from Arizona

At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have suspicion of morning wood.

(281): View more from Texas

How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(607): View more from New York

You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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(913): View more from Kansas

Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(925): View more from California

I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(518): View more from New York

you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.

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(251): View more from Alabama

My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.

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(734): View more from Michigan

she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

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(347): View more from New York

The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(406): View more from Montana

My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hope I don't wheeze during sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.

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(916): View more from California

She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.

(510): View more from California

See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed

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(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

(1306): View more from

well, that escalated quicky

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(907): View more from Alaska

I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.

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(858): View more from California

The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...

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(408): View more from California

Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed

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(818): View more from California

The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.

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(425): View more from Washington

He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?

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(256): View more from Alabama

But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.

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(562): View more from California

Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Let's have sex in an apple orchard

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(425): View more from Washington

That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude

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(701): View more from North Dakota

And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"

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(518): View more from New York

There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."

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(562): View more from California

New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free

(502): View more from Kentucky

Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(817): View more from Texas

On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.

(682): View more from Texas

Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.

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(949): View more from California

I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.

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(616): View more from Michigan

orgasmnado...tomorrow night

(1-616): View more from Michigan

That's what I'm talking about

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.

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(360): View more from Washington

OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(469): View more from Texas

I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.

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(631): View more from New York

Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!

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(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis

(828): View more from North Carolina

How high are you exactly

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby

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(312): View more from Illinois

Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight

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(315): View more from New York

Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

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(530): View more from California

I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just need some dick and some jimmy johns

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(516): View more from New York

He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(212): View more from New York

We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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(940): View more from Texas

Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

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(214): View more from Texas

This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

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(907): View more from Alaska

Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect

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(205): View more from Alabama

You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too

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(+61): View more from Australia

Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

but you are a princess that one was appropriate.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(214): View more from Texas

Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

Fav 4 1519 602
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(239): View more from Florida

This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(310): View more from California

Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

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(512): View more from Texas

he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white

Fav 10 839 2291
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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(541): View more from Oregon

Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats a chance were just gonna have to take

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him

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(727): View more from Florida

Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.

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(760): View more from California

I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody

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(520): View more from Arizona

His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg his dad is hot

(410): View more from Maryland

... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

Fav 9 3972 1710
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.

Fav 10 900 599
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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

Fav 12 2015 674
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You fool.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

Fav 5 3354 964
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My penis needs a shock collar

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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

Fav 57 9519 1409
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(310): View more from California

Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?

Fav 2 1199 589
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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors

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(541): View more from Oregon

Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.

Fav 1 1018 546
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(510): View more from California

How do we stop her downward spiral?

(1-510): View more from California

Wine. For us.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(407): View more from Florida

Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.

(1-407): View more from Florida

Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.

(407): View more from Florida

Bro? You just made it a target.

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(530): View more from California

No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth

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(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days

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(204): View more from Manitoba

That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina

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(406): View more from Montana

There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her

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(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

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(802): View more from Vermont

When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.

(647): View more from Ontario

Hey, I'm your guy

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(949): View more from California

Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I round house kicked her emotions in the face

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(941): View more from Florida

I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u

(815): View more from Illinois

U act like I can cum on command

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(515): View more from Iowa

Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story

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(585): View more from New York

Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.

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(906): View more from Michigan

She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

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(831): View more from California

I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

see that vagina ? that vagina means business

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Or a taco

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.

(304): View more from West Virginia

Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(281): View more from Texas

Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.

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(714): View more from California

Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life

(714): View more from California

It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(813): View more from Florida

So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(646): View more from New York

I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.

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(352): View more from Florida

Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.

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(510): View more from California

but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.

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(801): View more from Utah

You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?

(650): View more from California

I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.

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(646): View more from New York

My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.

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(714): View more from California

I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum

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(540): View more from Virginia

why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

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(714): View more from California

I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

Fav 2 1324 1104
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?

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(915): View more from Texas

I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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(806): View more from Texas

Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(310): View more from California

Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.

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(850): View more from Florida

We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

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(207): View more from Maine

Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.

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(310): View more from California

Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(713): View more from Texas

It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex

(563): View more from Iowa

Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(708): View more from Illinois

was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

Fav 8 1925 715
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(423): View more from Tennessee

God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.

Fav 10 2298 742
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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5750 1666
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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

Fav 10 5230 1216
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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

Fav 3 2202 1065
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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

Fav 24 4010 1482
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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

Fav 4 738 1010
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick

Fav 9 2128 778
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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

Fav 6 3355 893
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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

Fav 18 6179 2198
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(786): View more from Florida

you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.

Fav 14 1535 2509
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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

Fav 7 1989 875
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(256): View more from Alabama

He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for

Fav 3 518 791
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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

Fav 4 2138 880
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

Fav 19 1356 3124
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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

Fav 41 1483 3403
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

Fav 18 4239 1449
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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

Fav 17 4696 1283
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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

Fav 15 3299 784
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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing

Fav 11 1176 765
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(254): View more from Texas

He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

Fav 9 1523 1019
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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

Fav 12 2939 934
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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

Fav 3 1859 682
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.

Fav 7 1644 673
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(541): View more from Oregon

Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

Fav 7 2203 773
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(406): View more from Montana

I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.

Fav 8 821 1532
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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

Fav 3 3017 969
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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3022 837
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(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

Fav 5 2049 720
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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

Fav 5 3105 901
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

Fav 5 3658 1071
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(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

Fav 3 1753 619
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

Fav 8 2841 822
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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

Fav 20 3365 1043
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(903): View more from Texas

Han Solo would be ashamed of me.

Fav 7 793 688
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(903): View more from Texas

You're a waste of cheezeits

Fav 2 844 597
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(847): View more from Illinois

Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San

Fav 1 747 548
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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

Fav 4 1801 563
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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing

Fav 1 1031 820
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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7083 1891
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(972): View more from Texas

I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

Fav 13 2343 869
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

Fav 12 2948 939
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

Fav 9 3167 906
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

Fav 4 3527 1030
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(416): View more from Toronto

I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.

Fav 4 1081 586
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.

Fav 18 3950 1198
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

Fav 29 1276 2307
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.

Fav 7 1936 890
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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

Fav 14 3730 981
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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

Fav 7 2475 1060
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(204): View more from Manitoba

For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

Fav 6 3436 1644
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(208): View more from Idaho

We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.

Fav 2 746 663
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(+61): View more from Australia

it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'

Fav 4 1673 718
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

Fav 7 2581 833
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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5945 1202
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(954): View more from Florida

My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it

Fav 9 1362 585
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(646): View more from New York

classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

Fav 3 931 573
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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

Fav 6 1338 659
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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

Fav 10 4021 1467
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(561): View more from Florida

Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina

Fav 11 777 1096
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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

Fav 14 4188 1162
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(469): View more from Texas

Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.

Fav 8 1679 1035
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(352): View more from Florida

Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested

Fav 15 1145 2304
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(609): View more from New Jersey

jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face

Fav 3 964 468
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(423): View more from Tennessee

I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

Fav 5 1861 663
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.

Fav 2 1567 678
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(214): View more from Texas

If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

Fav 7 1550 2226
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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

Fav 7 3070 1024
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(425): View more from Washington

Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"

Fav 5 1386 705
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(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6238 1306
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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

Fav 1 2826 1294
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(435): View more from Utah

honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those

Fav 3 2138 904
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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?

Fav 3 1171 629
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.

Fav 20 1403 3278
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(317): View more from Indiana

Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.

Fav 6 962 644
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(239): View more from Florida

Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.

Fav 10 1752 828
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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

Fav 15 1474 1763
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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

Fav 13 2324 1861
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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6082 1254
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(404): View more from Georgia

This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"

Fav 5 3102 936
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(607): View more from New York

I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.

Fav 3 903 749
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

Fav 6 1465 561
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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

Fav 6 4040 1045
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(440): View more from Ohio

I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

Fav 13 3083 948
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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

Fav 7 3824 1252
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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

Fav 9 4171 1091
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(619): View more from California

I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.

Fav 27 1251 4196
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(540): View more from Virginia

hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.

Fav 5 1999 897
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

Fav 6 2176 824
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(765): View more from Indiana

His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.

Fav 4 991 813
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

Fav 12 2488 771
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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

Fav 16 5228 1284
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(815): View more from Illinois

I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

Fav 7 2174 805
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(541): View more from Oregon

What should I say back?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

(541): View more from Oregon

Straight into my pants.

Fav 2 1935 666
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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

Fav 8 1607 919
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(443): View more from Maryland

Something about Sunday night screams phone sex

Fav 1 698 527
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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey

Fav 5 778 866
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(425): View more from Washington

I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.

Fav 9 1188 590
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(336): View more from North Carolina

Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.

Fav 6 1178 668
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(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

Fav 1 824 528
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

Fav 5 2247 686
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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.

Fav 5 1223 594
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(716): View more from New York

I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts

Fav 4 472 712
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(214): View more from Texas

We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.

Fav 1 1088 576
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(309): View more from Illinois

Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.

Fav 2 1182 672
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(714): View more from California

I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina

Fav 3 1336 583
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(207): View more from Maine

So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.

Fav 7 1341 599
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

Fav 17 3048 4590
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(251): View more from Alabama

You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.

Fav 3 910 610
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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

Fav 15 1145 935
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame

Fav 1 902 439
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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

Fav 9 2176 676
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

Fav 7 1208 553
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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

Fav 5 2088 749
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(904): View more from Florida

That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.

Fav 1 818 526
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(904): View more from Florida

I want your cock.

(910): View more from North Carolina

All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd

Fav 11 1183 768
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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

Fav 13 2793 1354
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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

Fav 6 3261 1223
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses

Fav 6 2670 1147
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(772): View more from Florida

I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.

Fav 3 1168 646
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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

Fav 29 9217 1265
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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

Fav 6 2941 1282
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(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

Fav 12 3850 1127
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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

Fav 6 2538 828
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

Fav 15 2321 772
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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

Fav 6 1508 605
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(949): View more from California

I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.

Fav 4 890 1289
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(303): View more from Colorado

Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

Fav 9 1295 579
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(520): View more from Arizona

if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.

Fav 4 2317 1637
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(757): View more from Virginia

She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.

Fav 8 1706 640
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

Fav 12 4619 1237
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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

Fav 15 4083 960
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(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

Fav 36 3005 1141
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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

Fav 7 1099 3599
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(208): View more from Idaho

I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.

Fav 3 2016 651
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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

Fav 10 2592 1180
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

Fav 38 5833 1957
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.

Fav 9 736 2858
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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

Fav 13 898 3668
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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

Fav 12 3459 1050
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

Fav 11 3617 1342
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

Fav 18 4159 1490
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(719): View more from Colorado

I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms

Fav 5 1396 609
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(615): View more from Tennessee

omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick

Fav 10 952 818
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.

Fav 9 876 566
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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

Fav 12 3344 1777
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(434): View more from Virginia

i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...

Fav 1 1107 579
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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

Fav 5 2154 701
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(801): View more from Utah

I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.

Fav 2 1131 576
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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

Fav 1 978 549
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

Fav 5 1464 632
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(334): View more from Alabama

As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.

Fav 3 1015 528
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(720): View more from Colorado

Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.

Fav 1 539 791
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(815): View more from Illinois

When did angry sex become our thing?

Fav 3 1037 522
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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

Fav 10 6265 1319
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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

Fav 5 4291 953
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(714): View more from California

How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?

Fav 2 1165 591
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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

Fav 33 1840 3346
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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

Fav 9 5412 1195
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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

Fav 9 3336 1188
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(423): View more from Tennessee

Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

Fav 20 4954 1432
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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

Fav 11 1634 702
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(541): View more from Oregon

Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

Fav 9 1040 2315
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(415): View more from California

you should be awarded for your promiscuity.

(1-415): View more from California

i really should.

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(509): View more from Washington

btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...

(480): View more from Arizona

gifts from me to you. you're welcome.

Fav 2 1271 638
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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Fav 4 2956 818
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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

Fav 8 2649 824
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(917): View more from New York City

I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina

Fav 3 1358 902
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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(850): View more from Florida

I'd cum for enchiladas.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

Fav 5 1244 632
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals

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(571): View more from Virginia

Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

Fav 8 1874 796
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(806): View more from Texas

Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

Fav 8 3156 1033
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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'

Fav 6 1641 639
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it

Fav 3 687 623
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(404): View more from Georgia

Boobs are out for the taking

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

Fav 8 2574 949
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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

Fav 20 3417 1232
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(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

Fav 8 1160 696
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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

Fav 15 3772 1756
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

Fav 14 5678 1198
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(210): View more from Texas

I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

Fav 10 2055 876
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(813): View more from Florida

Thats alot of pressure.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.

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(913): View more from Kansas

If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.

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(352): View more from Florida

I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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(208): View more from Idaho

God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

Fav 12 5470 1125
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(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

Fav 5 1353 923
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture

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(206): View more from Washington

As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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(928): View more from Arizona

You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions

(1-928): View more from Arizona

Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.

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(416): View more from Toronto

feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

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(330): View more from Ohio

listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

I'm so proud, I have tears

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(518): View more from New York

Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.

Fav 2 1349 527
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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.

(561): View more from Florida

Your mother would be so proud

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(312): View more from Illinois

He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

Fav 19 2188 859
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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

Fav 20 3049 926
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(804): View more from Virginia

Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.

Fav 7 938 1797
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(812): View more from Indiana

Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing

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(301): View more from Maryland

Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

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(630): View more from Illinois

Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Sure. But we have to be quiet.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Ninja mode activated

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(913): View more from Kansas

I want to be your penis for a week.

Fav 10 836 473
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(573): View more from Missouri

It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

Fav 2 1120 694
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(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

Fav 7 2956 1174
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(352): View more from Florida

I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs

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(863): View more from Florida

If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

Fav 5 1103 628
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

Fav 15 2025 902
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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

Fav 23 4750 957
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(469): View more from Texas

I'm going through a really dark time right now

(214): View more from Texas

I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

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(231): View more from Michigan

You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

Fav 6 1444 950
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately

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(309): View more from Illinois

I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.

Fav 1 875 512
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(309): View more from Illinois

Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.

Fav 2 948 617
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(916): View more from California

Are you setting a date to bone me?

(530): View more from California

Are you accepting?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.

Fav 5 893 686
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(912): View more from Georgia

I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

Fav 7 1726 678
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(858): View more from California

We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(518): View more from New York

I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(631): View more from New York

he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me

Fav 6 1307 643
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried

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(404): View more from Georgia

Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 8 668 1235
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(305): View more from Florida

to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter

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(858): View more from California

So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

Fav 10 1697 1008
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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

Fav 8 1484 803
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(248): View more from Michigan

I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's the conductor of the struggle bus

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(386): View more from Florida

I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.

Fav 8 1289 711
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(310): View more from California

If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.

Fav 1 746 582
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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(616): View more from Michigan

im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out

Fav 7 618 1147
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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(661): View more from California

im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom

Fav 3 1251 936
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(901): View more from Tennessee

We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good

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(716): View more from New York

it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

Fav 7 1100 531
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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(989): View more from Michigan

tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition

Fav 2 1225 732
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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.

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(281): View more from Texas

When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Can I get that on a shirt

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(810): View more from Michigan

So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

(810): View more from Michigan

They're like sad pomegranates.

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(512): View more from Texas

He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(951): View more from California

Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(812): View more from Indiana

He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

(678): View more from Georgia

Does he wear a cape??

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(562): View more from California

It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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(801): View more from Utah

You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

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(631): View more from New York

He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(315): View more from New York

Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(253): View more from Washington

Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah

(772): View more from Florida

I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.

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(518): View more from New York

Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(213): View more from California

If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

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(636): View more from Missouri

Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

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(410): View more from Maryland

Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

(443): View more from Maryland

*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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(240): View more from Maryland

If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

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(772): View more from Florida

I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul

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(207): View more from Maine

He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(443): View more from Maryland

let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome

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(518): View more from New York

you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(727): View more from Florida

I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.

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(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(707): View more from California

Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.

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(224): View more from Illinois

He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.

(847): View more from Illinois

Incredible.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.

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(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.

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(406): View more from Montana

He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(850): View more from Florida

Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?

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(325): View more from Texas

So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(312): View more from Illinois

Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Somehow he made it really romantic

(503): View more from Oregon

He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

Oh shit. This is getting real.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(917): View more from New York City

I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

(1-917): View more from New York City

I love you more by the minute

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(310): View more from California

I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(415): View more from California

Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(541): View more from Oregon

He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

(503): View more from Oregon

Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(873): View more from

I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.

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(209): View more from California

Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(530): View more from California

Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication

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(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

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(469): View more from Texas

One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.

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(979): View more from Texas

my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(323): View more from California

Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(702): View more from Nevada

But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!

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(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.

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(707): View more from California

He better not be in your backpack

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(314): View more from Missouri

she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can

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(845): View more from New York

I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(347): View more from New York

I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(817): View more from Texas

And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five

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(239): View more from Florida

Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.

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(361): View more from Texas

I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(407): View more from Florida

You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(319): View more from Iowa

Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

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(602): View more from Arizona

All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

(763): View more from Minnesota

and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

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(760): View more from California

I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

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(210): View more from Texas

I want to own their dicks and all the attachments

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(845): View more from New York

Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.

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(563): View more from Iowa

it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(713): View more from Texas

I just got carded by a ten year old.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(916): View more from California

Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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(404): View more from Georgia

He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man

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(517): View more from Michigan

I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(239): View more from Florida

Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.

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(928): View more from Arizona

It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(512): View more from Texas

It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.

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(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.

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(434): View more from Virginia

You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.

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(512): View more from Texas

You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(206): View more from Washington

Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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