Texts From Last Night · JackEt

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JackEt_SKate's Favorites Texts:

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(937): View more from Ohio

there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(714): View more from California

why do cheetos always look like penises

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(815): View more from Illinois

I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Why? Who won?

(440): View more from Ohio

we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(614): View more from Ohio

THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(304): View more from West Virginia

nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(540): View more from Virginia

it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs

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(931): View more from Tennessee

there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(912): View more from Georgia

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(416): View more from Ontario

today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(760): View more from California

Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.

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(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(317): View more from Indiana

she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(813): View more from Florida

The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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(219): View more from Indiana

I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better

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(440): View more from Ohio

You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.

(540): View more from Virginia

I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(630): View more from Illinois

Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(516): View more from New York

the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(805): View more from California

he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(514): View more from Quebec

i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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(210): View more from Texas

i had confetti in my bra

(1-210): View more from Texas

i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(310): View more from California

He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what

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(972): View more from Texas

My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

had another sex dream about alec baldwin...

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(970): View more from Colorado

last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(415): View more from California

JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(516): View more from New York

My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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(925): View more from California

GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.

(1-925): View more from California

Wtf it's a Friday night?

(925): View more from California

PRIORITIZE.

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(503): View more from Oregon

she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(502): View more from Kentucky

you would pick up someone in the library

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(509): View more from Washington

I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker

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(972): View more from Texas

So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(518): View more from New York

so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(518): View more from New York

i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

THAT'LL be a good time.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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(316): View more from Kansas

how do we leave politely?

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(559): View more from California

i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...

(559): View more from California

...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!

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(206): View more from Washington

Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(352): View more from Florida

Billy Mays is dead too!

(1-352): View more from Florida

Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(636): View more from Missouri

The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

at least i was looking out for everybody

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(831): View more from California

i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

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(917): View more from New York City

i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(408): View more from California

she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(631): View more from New York

I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?

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(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(979): View more from Texas

Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"

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(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?

(810): View more from Michigan

humiliate her

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town

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(720): View more from Colorado

Ketchup is God's man juice

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haym$ered

(734): View more from Michigan

turn off your phone and go to bed

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i was rollin on her like bob the builder

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(907): View more from Alaska

scale of 1-10 how well do I give head

(1-907): View more from Alaska

5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(905): View more from Toronto

Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

oh how i love working at summer camp.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

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(678): View more from Georgia

yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(417): View more from Missouri

when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

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(949): View more from California

I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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(510): View more from California

I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(805): View more from California

Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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(719): View more from Colorado

Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(914): View more from New York

all she had left on were here heels. phone five

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(510): View more from California

Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents

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(571): View more from Virginia

i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(434): View more from Virginia

There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

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