Texts From Last Night · puller132's Favorites

puller132's Favorites Texts:

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(252): View more from North Carolina

all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google

(919): View more from North Carolina

all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face

(252): View more from North Carolina

so i won

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(510): View more from California

No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.

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(564): View more from Washington

Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.

(564): View more from Washington

Oh, wait.. That's you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??

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(469): View more from Texas

Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.

(914): View more from New York

That may have had to do with you chugging it

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot

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(713): View more from Texas

The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.

(713): View more from Texas

Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."

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(775): View more from Nevada

he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl

(330): View more from Ohio

awwwww babys first drunken mistake

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Smaug the FABULOUS

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(325): View more from Texas

'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?

(1-325): View more from Texas

oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?

(325): View more from Texas

I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.

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(619): View more from California

Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2

(619): View more from California

Bring a helmet for your liver

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.

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(613): View more from Ontario

How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...

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(216): View more from Ohio

SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.

(330): View more from Ohio

YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR

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(716): View more from New York

i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him

(516): View more from New York

all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

Prepare the pitchfork.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.

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(690): View more from

Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.

(1-690): View more from

Drunk, high, hungover?

(690): View more from

...I wish I had an excuse.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?

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(330): View more from Ohio

YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

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(647): View more from Ontario

Where is Holly?

(647): View more from Ontario

Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You're a hot mess, you know that?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS

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(727): View more from Florida

Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.

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(845): View more from New York

You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.

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(740): View more from Ohio

so he's a sleeptalker.

(614): View more from Ohio

yeah??

(740): View more from Ohio

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.

(701): View more from North Dakota

I've never been so turned off by an omelet.

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(366): View more from

After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.

(472): View more from

Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?

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(914): View more from New York

I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

That jawline could fucking have its way with me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.

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(631): View more from New York

I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma

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(704): View more from North Carolina

COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".

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(925): View more from California

I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine

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(845): View more from New York

He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest

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(856): View more from New Jersey

STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT

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(530): View more from California

Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories

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(815): View more from Illinois

He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.

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(716): View more from New York

Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him

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(312): View more from Illinois

He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off

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(269): View more from Michigan

he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.

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(573): View more from Missouri

He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"

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(941): View more from Florida

If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin

(908): View more from New Jersey

i apologize, I may have called you an iguana

(908): View more from New Jersey

Mistakes were made

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(301): View more from Maryland

Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.

(743): View more from

Who is this?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.

(517): View more from Michigan

Who is this?

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(310): View more from California

get your sex hands out of my capn crunch

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(240): View more from Maryland

AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS

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(304): View more from West Virginia

How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES

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(510): View more from California

LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of

(415): View more from California

Yes dear.

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(425): View more from Washington

Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.

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(951): View more from California

You danced?!

(714): View more from California

I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

That you did

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(716): View more from New York

You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(850): View more from Florida

There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.

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(954): View more from Florida

He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog

(813): View more from Florida

I'm afraid to ask what that means

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(636): View more from Missouri

Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES

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(317): View more from Indiana

You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."

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(773): View more from Illinois

his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him

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(312): View more from Illinois

Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.

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(347): View more from New York

She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.

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(850): View more from Florida

I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?

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(707): View more from California

One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick

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(716): View more from New York

As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"

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(631): View more from New York

Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....

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(317): View more from Indiana

it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(909): View more from California

Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(631): View more from New York

when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(914): View more from New York

So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(353): View more from

I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(732): View more from New Jersey

While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

(848): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bad man.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(740): View more from Ohio

You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar

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(209): View more from California

He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(206): View more from Washington

The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.

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(301): View more from Maryland

They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention

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(561): View more from Florida

We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(917): View more from New York City

sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.

(917): View more from New York City

that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(248): View more from Michigan

I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.

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(917): View more from New York City

I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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(949): View more from California

We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.

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(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(541): View more from Oregon

When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom

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(406): View more from Montana

we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(636): View more from Missouri

His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(518): View more from New York

He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.

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(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(530): View more from California

Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking

(530): View more from California

That could use a little rephrasing

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(217): View more from Illinois

Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

(217): View more from Illinois

Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(802): View more from Vermont

It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(949): View more from California

Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(612): View more from Minnesota

it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(315): View more from New York

mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.

(315): View more from New York

hahahaha slap the bag.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(417): View more from Missouri

She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

there not mine if that helps

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(309): View more from Illinois

Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(352): View more from Florida

he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

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(253): View more from Washington

Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(843): View more from South Carolina

At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump

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(310): View more from California

she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted

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(443): View more from Maryland

She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(205): View more from Alabama

So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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(914): View more from New York

I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."

(815): View more from Illinois

oh god.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(713): View more from Texas

She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(813): View more from Florida

I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(212): View more from New York

yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

i gets down

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(209): View more from California

She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

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(802): View more from Vermont

there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.

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(845): View more from New York

no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(773): View more from Illinois

After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(209): View more from California

I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm in awe of how selfish that is.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(925): View more from California

Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(619): View more from California

Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.

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(571): View more from Virginia

We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."

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(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.

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(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(269): View more from Michigan

did you hook up austin?

(248): View more from Michigan

No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(386): View more from Florida

Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm

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(909): View more from California

dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(919): View more from North Carolina

yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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