Texts From Last Night · Annuhh's Favorites

Annuhh's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

Fav 36 1240 6448
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13888 6048
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1553
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Fav 21 4178 1952
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

Fav 13 6515 1368
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

Fav 59 13785 2807
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

Fav 33 4440 5525
share tweet

(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

Fav 36 6556 1534
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

Fav 8 6025 1317
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

Fav 18 2323 6635
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

Fav 19 8944 1290
share tweet

(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

Fav 8 2847 5889
share tweet

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.

Fav 14 3975 1471
share tweet
(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

Fav 25 1834 7316
share tweet

(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

Fav 10 5308 1943
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

Fav 11 4113 2354
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

Fav 20 4900 1572
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1343
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

Fav 16 1476 6022
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

Fav 25 5870 1254
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8144 1694
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

Fav 19 4921 2611
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.

Fav 11 5765 1434
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

Fav 54 10178 1808
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

Fav 10 5290 1147
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

Fav 14 1788 5803
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8976 1504
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

Fav 9 6329 1503
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2013
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3247 10005
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

Fav 17 4556 1599
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

Fav 28 1430 9282
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2195 11018
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

Fav 14 7168 1670
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

Fav 85 13433 1865
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

Fav 89 2282 26954
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

Fav 9 1059 4045
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

Fav 35 2257 9060
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

Fav 5 5573 1261
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

Fav 22 1661 7944
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

Fav 18 5502 1675
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

Fav 25 2154 6475
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

Fav 17 5465 1514
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7177 1399
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

Fav 27 7690 1336
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

Fav 20 1981 4836
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

Fav 25 7263 1455
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

Fav 10 1128 5192
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying

Fav 12 1245 6504
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

Fav 19 8275 1365
share tweet
(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

Fav 22 6081 2578
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

Fav 28 9227 1761
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

Fav 16 6134 1462
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1429
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year

Fav 14 1441 5000
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

Fav 34 6462 1420
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1844
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1764 20095
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

Fav 14 6070 1510
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11576 1759
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

Fav 9 3916 1767
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

Fav 17 7996 1564
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

Fav 22 8455 2041
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

Fav 11 4553 1630
share tweet
(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

Fav 27 7222 1416
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

Fav 36 1211 10003
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

Fav 30 6596 1441
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

Fav 44 1489 8585
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6752 1631
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

Fav 15 1164 4660
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

Fav 23 1492 5938
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

Fav 6 5365 1080
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

Fav 20 3699 2016
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

Fav 33 2290 5852
share tweet
(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

Fav 9 5815 1255
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

Fav 16 5013 1546
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3088
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9751 1527
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

Fav 17 5458 1772
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

Fav 21 1457 9072
share tweet
(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

Fav 74 3659 8257
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10579 1353
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

Fav 75 1756 6544
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

Fav 39 1769 4700
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

Fav 77 1723 7191
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6365 1553
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.

Fav 10 1574 3066
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

Fav 13 6165 1514
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

Fav 22 1518 4480
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

Fav 19 9411 1483
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

Fav 9 4574 1457
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

Fav 27 5841 1410
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

Fav 11 5648 1720
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5060 7903
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

Fav 29 5433 1975
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?

Fav 20 4953 1128
share tweet
(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

Fav 72 2478 11875
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

Fav 37 4558 1425
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

Fav 31 8443 1870
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

Fav 13 5133 1774
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?

Fav 152 2108 6375
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

Fav 9 5641 1245
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

Fav 9 4451 1332
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

Fav 25 4642 1550
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

Fav 20 1388 3892
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 13 7051 1953
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

Fav 28 5987 1843
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

Fav 5 3932 1512
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

Fav 27 5731 1239
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

Fav 49 5593 2255
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7487 1936
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1838 5901
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

Fav 29 6871 1549
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.

Fav 16 3454 1785
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

Fav 19 4357 2051
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7573 1692
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

Fav 41 7728 1935
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much

Fav 17 1717 3913
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

Fav 41 1737 6430
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

Fav 12 6416 2117
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

Fav 17 9001 2441
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

Fav 11 5711 2264
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

Fav 11 8405 1984
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

Fav 24 5935 1907
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8393 2641
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier

Fav 8 2495 4285
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1679
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

Fav 17 7064 2526
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

Fav 8 4192 1347
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6880 1592
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1670
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6799 1523
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5918
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash

Fav 6 3636 1286
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

Fav 14 7158 1813
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

Fav 13 8197 1457
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

Fav 19 1638 5853
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9155 1357
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

Fav 19 5258 2395
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

Fav 9 4119 1650
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

Fav 24 6922 1802
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

Fav 16 1537 4910
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2072
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world

Fav 7 1032 3936
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9342 1220
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7711 1339
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

Fav 26 2811 8428
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

Fav 7 1452 3949
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

Fav 24 2215 7168
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

Fav 20 1204 7107
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

Fav 9 5064 1455
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

Fav 21 6802 1380
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

Fav 6 5361 1203
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

Fav 86 9706 4845
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

Fav 33 3614 3910
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

Fav 14 5935 1370
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2035 6922
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

Fav 21 8451 1469
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.

Fav 13 4217 1362
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2727 6963
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

Fav 26 1931 6692
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

Fav 15 4249 1408
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

Fav 9 5217 1507
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

Fav 21 9900 1752
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13942 1497
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6085 1635
share tweet
(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

Fav 9 4829 1555
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

Fav 32 7865 1628
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

Fav 23 6486 1544
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2711 5162
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?

Fav 15 1145 4228
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

Fav 19 5808 1437
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

Fav 79 4361 8144
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7104 2055
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

Fav 44 2310 9383
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

Fav 15 6415 1581
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1746 9254
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7174 1508
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1527
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10963 4723
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

Fav 22 5427 1937
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

Fav 21 7758 2168
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

Fav 14 5315 3024
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

Fav 13 5592 2023
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9479 1524
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

Fav 9 1199 5507
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6347 1203
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

Fav 6 4549 1291
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

Fav 15 1190 4750
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3325 7326
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

Fav 22 7464 1231
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint

Fav 10 1598 5017
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

Fav 14 1556 5962
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

Fav 30 11281 1694
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

Fav 18 1624 7131
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

Fav 32 7277 1659
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7970 1545
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10895 1534
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2046
share tweet
(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

Fav 21 6673 1822
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

Fav 18 1640 6929
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

Fav 12 7367 1462
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1912
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

Fav 15 2378 6945
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5206 2132
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

Fav 56 2321 11287
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

Fav 48 1498 8487
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

Fav 17 4831 2193
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7321
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

Fav 36 7865 1248
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

Fav 22 1449 4741
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

Fav 43 5639 1714
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

Fav 36 1632 5576
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

Fav 17 1295 3939
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

Fav 7 4935 1233
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Fav 13 7845 1426
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

Fav 16 6134 1295
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

Fav 47 14631 1810
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

Fav 7 9152 1391
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1662
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10425 1409
share tweet
(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

Fav 24 1338 7796
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1942 8857
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Miracles do happen.

Fav 13 4488 1058
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

Fav 41 1227 9640
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17652 1576
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

Fav 29 9311 1550
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

Fav 14 1401 8202
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

Fav 17 4927 2348
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

Fav 26 8278 1167
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

Fav 16 1574 6816
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

Fav 11 1433 5543
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25039 2258
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

Fav 18 1766 5945
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1733
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

Fav 9 6525 1720
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

Fav 16 2205 6180
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

Fav 20 2063 7201
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

Fav 9 6688 1356
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10306 1445
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

Fav 19 7756 1367
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

Fav 20 1689 5471
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

Fav 17 6823 2149
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

Fav 100 12761 2345
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

Fav 34 6799 2209
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.

Fav 24 1373 5254
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9809 1963
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

Fav 7 4927 1227
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

Fav 14 8931 1352
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11766 1877
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.

Fav 12 1160 5977
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

Fav 18 1335 4404
share tweet
(408): View more from California

New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.

Fav 18 5437 1609
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.

Fav 21 4739 1537
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

Fav 71 7206 2835
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

Fav 16 2248 6149
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes

Fav 54 3116 6403
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

Fav 44 5084 2590
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7924 1611
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

Fav 11 1807 6863
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2907 25016
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

Fav 18 4797 1779
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...

Fav 12 2009 6359
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

Fav 32 1937 5098
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis

Fav 8 1191 4234
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

Fav 27 7116 1378
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

Fav 15 2096 4866
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

Fav 10 2020 5552
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

Fav 32 7161 1419
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10889 1670
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9658 1645
share tweet
(951): View more from California

hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.

Fav 22 4564 1874
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

Fav 12 1388 5689
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Fav 19 10890 2175
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

Fav 11 6224 1301
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15096 2080
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

Fav 52 12946 3240
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

Fav 44 3426 8336
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3778
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

Fav 15 2085 4070
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

Fav 19 5674 3040
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

Fav 33 9766 1664
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

Fav 31 8385 1611
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

Fav 49 7770 2445
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

Fav 13 7530 1546
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Fav 16 8176 1433
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

Fav 8 5611 1225
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

Fav 15 10919 1450
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

Fav 6 6185 1602
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

Fav 6 5657 1569
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

Fav 13 1699 7002
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

Fav 16 5711 1522
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience

Fav 10 1451 5189
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19952 1707
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

Fav 37 8253 1751
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

Fav 37 3794 5113
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

Fav 11 5376 1483
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1996
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

Fav 18 8103 1543
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

Fav 27 1751 5200
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

Fav 15 5740 1155
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

Fav 12 2347 4187
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

Fav 58 1527 7581
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

Fav 12 6125 1440
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

Fav 13 6151 2528
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

Fav 19 5811 2195
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

Fav 13 5829 2210
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

Fav 24 9638 2726
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

Fav 15 7669 1926
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

Fav 41 5808 1907
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

Fav 26 10468 2105
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

Fav 13 5940 1421
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

Fav 48 6793 2266
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

Fav 35 6175 8824
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

Fav 7 5262 1402
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

Fav 33 12251 2648
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

Fav 21 4009 4852
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

Fav 11 5479 1151
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

Fav 6 5437 1561
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

Fav 16 1732 4719
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

Fav 9 1489 5646
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

Fav 30 8014 1561
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

Fav 29 11312 1579
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

Fav 31 7104 1594
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

Fav 23 7696 1516
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

Fav 10 7147 2110
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

Fav 10 4956 1712
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

Fav 43 1752 6873
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

Fav 32 2457 6862
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

Fav 21 7105 1841
share tweet
(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

Fav 8 4560 1263
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

Fav 32 1101 9390
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

Fav 13 5835 1456
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9942 1892
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

Fav 13 5026 3807
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

Fav 16 2749 5787
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

Fav 16 5674 1838
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

Fav 15 7271 1392
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1625
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

Fav 36 1616 9655
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

Fav 21 6048 1562
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

Fav 20 1841 5859
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

Fav 12 11847 1904
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

Fav 6 2685 3610
share tweet
(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

Fav 10 4902 1723
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

Fav 51 2026 6823
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1536 5442
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1938
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

Fav 12 4185 1396
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

Fav 6 5129 1506
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11358 1470
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

Fav 11 1512 5560
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning

Fav 10 5125 1078
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

Fav 26 1711 8233
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

Fav 18 1581 5660
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5280 1295
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

Fav 9 4790 1093
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8915 1552
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

Fav 13 1202 3732
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

Fav 7 4251 1446
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

Fav 19 5699 2560
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

Fav 15 6776 1865
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

Fav 18 5962 3095
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

Fav 23 6494 1518
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

Fav 7 5154 1217
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10157 1610
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11786 3050
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

Fav 29 7421 3065
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

Fav 22 1228 8513
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Fav 18 6411 1398
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

Fav 16 6814 1336
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

Fav 5 5325 1082
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

Fav 13 6239 1333
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

Fav 23 5880 1024
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

Fav 33 1194 6115
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.

Fav 9 6006 1044
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

Fav 22 8652 1448
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

Fav 10 5082 1056
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

Fav 14 7215 1301
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

Fav 19 1630 4848
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.

Fav 16 6079 1139
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

Fav 14 7744 1455
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

Fav 22 8071 1586
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

Fav 13 2356 4165
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

Fav 14 1286 7614
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

Fav 10 2607 5868
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

Fav 26 8181 1546
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

Fav 9 6187 1152
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

Fav 14 6192 1591
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10882 1595
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.

Fav 8 1491 5784
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

Fav 26 8368 1632
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...

Fav 18 1101 4854
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

Fav 19 4311 1351
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

Fav 31 2148 5231
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8473 1577
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

Fav 20 1565 5026
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

Fav 22 7343 1466
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

Fav 6 3440 1255
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8182 1462
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

Fav 4 6910 1216
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

Fav 28 3200 9695
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences

Fav 3 1212 3084
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

Fav 20 4248 4886
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

Fav 61 6563 1410
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

Fav 12 5121 1822
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7403 1714
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

Fav 9 5134 1259
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

Fav 15 8082 1601
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

Fav 29 11317 1455
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

Fav 6 2169 3526
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

Fav 12 5483 1399
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

Fav 64 1891 4641
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1354
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

Fav 25 1762 4803
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5767 1869
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

Fav 12 4878 1638
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster

Fav 3 951 3967
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

Fav 19 7329 2002
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

Fav 34 6112 1522
share tweet
(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

Fav 6 1462 4127
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

Fav 14 6108 1677
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

Fav 10 1690 5301
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15842 1928
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

Fav 21 7536 1373
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

Fav 43 1959 4396
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

Fav 20 7676 1929
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12864 2495
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

Fav 53 2180 7481
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7587
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze

Fav 4 4645 1382
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

Fav 10 8257 1097
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.

Fav 20 1461 5071
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

Fav 10 4514 1309
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

Fav 22 6507 1451
share tweet
(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

Fav 19 6702 1284
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook

Fav 11 4309 1018
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

Fav 43 2012 5911
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

Fav 10 6663 1655
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

Fav 17 4000 1718
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

Fav 20 1364 4993
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

Fav 28 1569 5607
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

Fav 22 5283 1284
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

Fav 7 3568 1256
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

Fav 14 1977 5547
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1453
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

Fav 13 4788 1461
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2950 6671
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

Fav 27 10632 1168
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

Fav 26 7562 1307
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

Fav 7 1742 4904
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

Fav 8 5090 1268
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

Fav 29 6313 2027
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6900 7365
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

Fav 35 7949 1694
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

Fav 22 1428 6083
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

Fav 15 5974 1826
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

Fav 9 6272 1231
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

Fav 23 7926 1465
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.

Fav 10 1039 6530
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7395 1981
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.

Fav 82 1471 5010
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation

Fav 14 2026 5187
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3813 6190
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12569 1417
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be

Fav 8 5371 1030
share tweet
(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

Fav 55 7051 2550
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

Fav 45 8798 2020
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

Fav 14 5638 1445
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12909 1900
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

Fav 15 2443 5911
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

Fav 14 14655 1482
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

Fav 13 1414 7047
share tweet
(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

Fav 22 7291 1758
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

Fav 29 1803 8791
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

Fav 38 6230 2039
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

Fav 26 2115 7676
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22562 3001
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

Fav 33 19004 1312
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

Fav 57 1485 5984
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33672 2308
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

Fav 30 1190 11866
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 52 11864 1484
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

Fav 20 5106 1049
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

Fav 25 5728 1410
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

Fav 22 8290 1149
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Fav 43 10145 1064
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11153 2920
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

Fav 96 17332 1817
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

Fav 182 22273 1459
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

Fav 33 10900 1362
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

Fav 36 8277 1134
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

Fav 22 4073 1417
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

Fav 4 3717 1334
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight

Fav 3 1780 2670
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed

Fav 4 1455 1685
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

(703): View more from Virginia

What are you talking about

(240): View more from Maryland

You've got to be kidding me

Fav 12 2181 4596
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...

Fav 1 5238 2089
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

Fav 31 2539 6488
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

Fav 35 6063 1880
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

Fav 69 9954 3435
share tweet
(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

Fav 63 7025 1171
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

Fav 63 3318 6536
share tweet
(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

Fav 49 1643 5151
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11901 1552
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..

Fav 24 1756 6993
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

Fav 26 9176 1145
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

Fav 26 8633 1346
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

Fav 28 5134 1271
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

Fav 33 7637 1140
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

Fav 18 6042 2066
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

Fav 90 8426 1660
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.

Fav 31 1776 5711
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

Fav 15 6902 1473
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12074 1396
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

Fav 31 7945 1069
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42104 3339
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

i always knew you were classy

Fav 44 2171 5609
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.

Fav 212 1152 10859
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

Fav 18 7019 1081
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16507 1558
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

Fav 81 3154 6576
share tweet