Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
