Texts From Last Night · princesschi's Favorites

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princesschi's Favorites Texts:

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(516): View more from New York

well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(516): View more from New York

drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me

(516): View more from New York

he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york

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(815): View more from Illinois

walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(513): View more from Ohio

well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

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(949): View more from California

I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(817): View more from Texas

Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.

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(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

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(760): View more from California

It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

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(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(650): View more from California

guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(348): View more from

Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(910): View more from North Carolina

oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(858): View more from California

He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

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(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

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(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

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(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(510): View more from California

Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?

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(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

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(317): View more from Indiana

On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.

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(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(+10): View more from

I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(408): View more from California

Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.

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(719): View more from Colorado

getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.

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(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...

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(815): View more from Illinois

Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

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(515): View more from Iowa

The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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(585): View more from New York

i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed

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(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.

(515): View more from Iowa

I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking

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(917): View more from New York City

He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.

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(705): View more from Ontario

My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off

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(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Green mimosas i think yes

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(906): View more from Michigan

They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(419): View more from Ohio

I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(562): View more from California

I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(772): View more from Florida

it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(925): View more from California

Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.

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(520): View more from Arizona

You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(847): View more from Illinois

worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.

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(514): View more from Quebec

You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club

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(785): View more from Kansas

I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.

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(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(817): View more from Texas

I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

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(515): View more from Iowa

trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.

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(443): View more from Maryland

told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

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(303): View more from Colorado

we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now

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(503): View more from Oregon

I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

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(812): View more from Indiana

woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(361): View more from Texas

Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(239): View more from Florida

so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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(845): View more from New York

When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"

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(703): View more from Virginia

theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(361): View more from Texas

Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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(520): View more from Arizona

It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen

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(815): View more from Illinois

he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(305): View more from Florida

We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

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(903): View more from Texas

Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(310): View more from California

I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(651): View more from Minnesota

If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.

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(417): View more from Missouri

There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(949): View more from California

My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.

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(231): View more from Michigan

the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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(661): View more from California

God gave him joint rollers for hands

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(+27): View more from South Africa

we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.

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(716): View more from New York

Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?

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(785): View more from Kansas

he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(216): View more from Ohio

what is it with giant penises always finding me

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(941): View more from Florida

Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

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(661): View more from California

Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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(712): View more from Iowa

I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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(+49): View more from Germany

he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit

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(630): View more from Illinois

whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(903): View more from Texas

Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(713): View more from Texas

Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together

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(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

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(917): View more from New York City

i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(303): View more from Colorado

According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?

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(937): View more from Ohio

She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(212): View more from New York

1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(434): View more from Virginia

we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.

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(718): View more from New York

He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(760): View more from California

is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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(757): View more from Virginia

just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(660): View more from Missouri

And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

(443): View more from Maryland

How'd that go?

(301): View more from Maryland

Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(805): View more from California

at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(850): View more from Florida

come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

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(941): View more from Florida

I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(909): View more from California

good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Where did you get a picture of my penis

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(613): View more from Ontario

had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(757): View more from Virginia

my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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(214): View more from Texas

So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

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(713): View more from Texas

S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."

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(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.

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(646): View more from New York

Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(810): View more from Michigan

I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(989): View more from Michigan

I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(909): View more from California

Would you still love me if I had no teeth

(1-909): View more from California

Yeah why?

(909): View more from California

Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.

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(631): View more from New York

we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms

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(225): View more from Louisiana

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs

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(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(240): View more from Maryland

ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm in your bed right now

(240): View more from Maryland

Okay meet you there give me 10

(703): View more from Virginia

Don't think you can make me leave either

(240): View more from Maryland

Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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(+07): View more from

tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

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(410): View more from Maryland

She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.

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(510): View more from California

I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(281): View more from Texas

I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.

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(719): View more from Colorado

We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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(281): View more from Texas

The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(+44): View more from England

Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

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(757): View more from Virginia

my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

accomplished twins. life is a go

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(786): View more from Florida

I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.

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(863): View more from Florida

I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(212): View more from New York

so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(773): View more from Illinois

so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning

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(347): View more from New York

it's been a while because I don't count the hooker

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(239): View more from Florida

apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.

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(305): View more from Florida

Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

are you so shy because you have an std?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.

(616): View more from Michigan

The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(770): View more from Georgia

That's cool how's he been?

(404): View more from Georgia

He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.

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(904): View more from Florida

we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.

(303): View more from Colorado

Some perfection is debatable.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(573): View more from Missouri

she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

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(310): View more from California

I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(707): View more from California

yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.

(1-707): View more from California

you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you

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(818): View more from California

I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(850): View more from Florida

From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(206): View more from Washington

I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(407): View more from Florida

i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem

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(919): View more from North Carolina

And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No idea how I passed that sobriety test.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(314): View more from Missouri

i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test

(1-313): View more from Michigan

but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.

(803): View more from South Carolina

He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(702): View more from Nevada

Kareoke will never be a sober sport

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(971): View more from Oregon

We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.

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(631): View more from New York

i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

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(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(616): View more from Michigan

Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?

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(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(806): View more from Texas

This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(646): View more from New York

We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

(1-646): View more from New York

mom would be proud

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(904): View more from Florida

sorry about calling you the devil all night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(703): View more from Virginia

His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

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(727): View more from Florida

What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(425): View more from Washington

Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.

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(858): View more from California

I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(760): View more from California

I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(513): View more from Ohio

So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.

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(714): View more from California

i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.

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(703): View more from Virginia

exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(219): View more from Indiana

shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs

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(925): View more from California

just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Either way I should probably pregame on the plane

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(509): View more from Washington

ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!

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(712): View more from Iowa

Walk of Shame. In a state park.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So for us it's double that?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Precisely.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(805): View more from California

just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.

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(425): View more from Washington

the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(914): View more from New York

saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(678): View more from Georgia

stop calling my apartment porn island.

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(415): View more from California

Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?

(323): View more from California

Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation

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(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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(734): View more from Michigan

I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.

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(281): View more from Texas

It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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(239): View more from Florida

Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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(312): View more from Illinois

the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.

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(310): View more from California

I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.

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(804): View more from Virginia

.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.

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(408): View more from California

we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule

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(925): View more from California

I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(504): View more from Louisiana

And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

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(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract

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(773): View more from Illinois

we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(678): View more from Georgia

we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(248): View more from Michigan

yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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(415): View more from California

You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

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(631): View more from New York

Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(972): View more from Texas

Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.

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(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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(316): View more from Kansas

If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(701): View more from North Dakota

That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(239): View more from Florida

you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(512): View more from Texas

Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(847): View more from Illinois

Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(212): View more from New York

the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

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(208): View more from Idaho

i robbed the continental breakfast last night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(738): View more from

I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(630): View more from Illinois

Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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