Texts From Last Night · jpcrock's Favorites

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jpcrock's Favorites Texts:

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(310): View more from California

LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.

(310): View more from California

And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

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(845): View more from New York

Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(914): View more from New York

End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(313): View more from Michigan

i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(503): View more from Oregon

She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life

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(208): View more from Idaho

just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(626): View more from California

They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(937): View more from Ohio

you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

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(352): View more from Florida

dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(941): View more from Florida

i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that

(850): View more from Florida

im pretty sure thats an 11

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(517): View more from Michigan

new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(904): View more from Florida

i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(360): View more from Washington

just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(619): View more from California

I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(317): View more from Indiana

just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(432): View more from Texas

Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(407): View more from Florida

He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(410): View more from Maryland

pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

(708): View more from Illinois

such a stalker...

(248): View more from Michigan

she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(303): View more from Colorado

that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(703): View more from Virginia

"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

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(817): View more from Texas

so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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(818): View more from California

This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

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(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(410): View more from Maryland

Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(563): View more from Iowa

why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

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(330): View more from Ohio

She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes

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(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(613): View more from Ontario

i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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