Texts From Last Night · bentleytheyeti's Favorites

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(309): View more from Illinois

stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

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(541): View more from Oregon

To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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(912): View more from Georgia

I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(631): View more from New York

the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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(404): View more from Georgia

i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(810): View more from Michigan

Whats the count minus fat chicks?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(407): View more from Florida

I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(516): View more from New York

I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(740): View more from Ohio

He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(425): View more from Washington

we turned his baptism video into a drinking game

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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(719): View more from Colorado

he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

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(540): View more from Virginia

You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(239): View more from Florida

I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

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(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT

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(707): View more from California

I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(817): View more from Texas

90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(678): View more from Georgia

just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(404): View more from Georgia

"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!

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(913): View more from Kansas

the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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(516): View more from New York

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(716): View more from New York

It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(248): View more from Michigan

dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(806): View more from Texas

Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(601): View more from Mississippi

"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(407): View more from Florida

Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.

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(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

No subtext here. People are naked.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have

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(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

(314): View more from Missouri

you don't even go to loyola anymore

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you make a good broom.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(661): View more from California

Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

(1-661): View more from California

Lol thats a classic

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.

(417): View more from Missouri

He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Mmmm, vodka for breakfast

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(571): View more from Virginia

found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.

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(917): View more from New York City

Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(281): View more from Texas

had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just mADE A PArabola og urine

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(703): View more from Virginia

i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(707): View more from California

I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(561): View more from Florida

My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(212): View more from New York

chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.

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(407): View more from Florida

also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(817): View more from Texas

idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

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(856): View more from New Jersey

And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(314): View more from Missouri

this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(916): View more from California

i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(703): View more from Virginia

he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman

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(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(850): View more from Florida

tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(626): View more from California

a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(360): View more from Washington

My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?

(773): View more from Illinois

Too tired to pretend that I care : (

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(216): View more from Ohio

guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

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(360): View more from Washington

Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.

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(253): View more from Washington

My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.

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(530): View more from California

shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

(1-530): View more from California

just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

(530): View more from California

yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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(425): View more from Washington

Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.

(302): View more from Delaware

I love summer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(269): View more from Michigan

We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.

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(850): View more from Florida

So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(347): View more from New York

tell your sister to shave her snatch

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(513): View more from Ohio

some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its only 8 and she is already passed out

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2

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(714): View more from California

I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(419): View more from Ohio

i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before

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(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

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(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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