Texts From Last Night · thatgirlinoregon's Favorites

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(229): View more from Georgia

I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...

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(941): View more from Florida

Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?

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(712): View more from Iowa

just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it

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(801): View more from Utah

I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt

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(517): View more from Michigan

I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.

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(818): View more from California

I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly

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(847): View more from Illinois

He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

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(224): View more from Illinois

alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now

(1-224): View more from Illinois

It's five in the morning. wtf?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.

(541): View more from Oregon

It's been productive.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.

(541): View more from Oregon

We need to stop going to pet stores high.

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(360): View more from Washington

blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....

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(914): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.

(615): View more from Tennessee

UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD

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(512): View more from Texas

He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My left boob kept making random appearances last night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.

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(518): View more from New York

Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm fucked.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.

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(407): View more from Florida

How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me

(604): View more from British Columbia

Bring breadsticks

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(440): View more from Ohio

id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive

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(913): View more from Kansas

I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus

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(703): View more from Virginia

The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.

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(430): View more from Texas

we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm getting married

(910): View more from North Carolina

To pizza

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(248): View more from Michigan

Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom

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(937): View more from Ohio

honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman

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(415): View more from California

Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES

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(914): View more from New York

it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"

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(407): View more from Florida

It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird

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(323): View more from California

VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis

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(928): View more from Arizona

I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.

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(323): View more from California

GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.

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(773): View more from Illinois

we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.

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(415): View more from California

Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He keeps bees of course he's weird

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(+61): View more from Australia

The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a shit load of segways right now

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!

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(703): View more from Virginia

its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone

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(253): View more from Washington

Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here

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(518): View more from New York

My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray

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(585): View more from New York

When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started

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(214): View more from Texas

Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Can you bring me the toilet please

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(260): View more from Indiana

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home

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(630): View more from Illinois

you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.

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(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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(760): View more from California

I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME

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(704): View more from North Carolina

From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(289): View more from Ontario

"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So there's that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it

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(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see

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(915): View more from Texas

Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse

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(269): View more from Michigan

Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD

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(916): View more from California

I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.

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(619): View more from California

I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.

(619): View more from California

.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.

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(563): View more from Iowa

What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me

(1-563): View more from Iowa

You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed

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(714): View more from California

So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place

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(817): View more from Texas

Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.

(682): View more from Texas

That's completely alright, I do it a lot.

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(714): View more from California

We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.

(714): View more from California

I'll wait.

(714): View more from California

It can also be a hat.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

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(206): View more from Washington

I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug

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(765): View more from Indiana

Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."

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(716): View more from New York

We found Mulan.

(409): View more from Texas

I thought you were in bed what the hell

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(786): View more from Florida

I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?

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(858): View more from California

The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.

(720): View more from Colorado

School starts next week

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(416): View more from Toronto

whose parrot is this?

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(519): View more from Ontario

If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

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(630): View more from Illinois

drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds

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(906): View more from Michigan

My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.

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(727): View more from Florida

Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(213): View more from California

Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.

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(727): View more from Florida

Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone came in the potted fern

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.

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(512): View more from Texas

He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got

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(704): View more from North Carolina

So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants

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(951): View more from California

Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.

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(516): View more from New York

Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god

(1-516): View more from New York

You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!

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(817): View more from Texas

I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul

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(386): View more from Florida

You've never sent a girl a dick pic?

(772): View more from Florida

Call me old fashioned

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(518): View more from New York

I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock

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(309): View more from Illinois

It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with

(847): View more from Illinois

Yes. It does.

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Of course. Go big or go home.

(330): View more from Ohio

You're my fucking queen.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises

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(813): View more from Florida

So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(650): View more from California

You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

Happy birthday, America.

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(806): View more from Texas

The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(650): View more from California

Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(727): View more from Florida

Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the manischevitz sangria was a big hit

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(415): View more from California

That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.

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(510): View more from California

Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.

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(302): View more from Delaware

We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just trying to get my dicks in a row.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(503): View more from Oregon

Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night

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(253): View more from Washington

Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement

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(561): View more from Florida

Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.

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(207): View more from Maine

By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(214): View more from Texas

WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO

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(509): View more from Washington

Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Haha, Tuesday man

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(850): View more from Florida

Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(707): View more from California

I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

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(925): View more from California

Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?

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(269): View more from Michigan

That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.

(269): View more from Michigan

AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Does the room smell any better?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.

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(330): View more from Ohio

do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(503): View more from Oregon

jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML

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(404): View more from Georgia

Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(614): View more from Ohio

God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.

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(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

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(562): View more from California

Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week

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(256): View more from Alabama

I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.

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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(616): View more from Michigan

You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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(917): View more from New York City

idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

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(858): View more from California

we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.

(858): View more from California

Where did he get the tophat?

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding

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(303): View more from Colorado

Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry

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(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor

(203): View more from Connecticut

WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!

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(904): View more from Florida

the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm

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(509): View more from Washington

We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler

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(217): View more from Illinois

i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me

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(775): View more from Nevada

If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

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(636): View more from Missouri

there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter

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(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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(925): View more from California

I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What happened to my face?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was impressive.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen

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(512): View more from Texas

"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(714): View more from California

Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.

(951): View more from California

Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL

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(314): View more from Missouri

Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"

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(917): View more from New York City

hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(415): View more from California

I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...

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(925): View more from California

Are sex swings allowed in dorms

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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(703): View more from Virginia

BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

(410): View more from Maryland

dude you're not even a fucking science major

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(616): View more from Michigan

Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(425): View more from Washington

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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(443): View more from Maryland

You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.

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(214): View more from Texas

MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

(214): View more from Texas

SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(219): View more from Indiana

My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(562): View more from California

I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.

(416): View more from Toronto

You are not an adult

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.

(309): View more from Illinois

You rock my world.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(551): View more from New Jersey

She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

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(260): View more from Indiana

...oh my god that's like anal suicide

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(207): View more from Maine

My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!

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(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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(541): View more from Oregon

How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(757): View more from Virginia

All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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(314): View more from Missouri

your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.

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(509): View more from Washington

I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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(248): View more from Michigan

All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

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(801): View more from Utah

Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(732): View more from New Jersey

soon, soon....

(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....

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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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(705): View more from Ontario

My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(571): View more from Virginia

She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.

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(515): View more from Iowa

SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

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(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.

(303): View more from Colorado

That's all I've ever wanted.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?

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(815): View more from Illinois

She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?

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(415): View more from California

I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game

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(310): View more from California

My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up

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(903): View more from Texas

Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

(936): View more from Texas

You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

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(727): View more from Florida

I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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(210): View more from Texas

With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(770): View more from Georgia

Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(716): View more from New York

I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.

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(904): View more from Florida

Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

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(406): View more from Montana

You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

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(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(707): View more from California

He better not be in your backpack

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(607): View more from New York

You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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(281): View more from Texas

that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

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(802): View more from Vermont

You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(415): View more from California

I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.

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(602): View more from Arizona

All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(917): View more from New York City

If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(760): View more from California

I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(530): View more from California

Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It's a journey

(1-907): View more from Alaska

And the destination is his penis?

(907): View more from Alaska

Precisely.

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(302): View more from Delaware

THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA

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(716): View more from New York

He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(740): View more from Ohio

The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof

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(256): View more from Alabama

Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Is this the acid talking?

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(909): View more from California

I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

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(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire

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(847): View more from Illinois

Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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(407): View more from Florida

Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.

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(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

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(541): View more from Oregon

i'll probably be on drugs forewarning

(503): View more from Oregon

forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(408): View more from California

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"

(601): View more from Mississippi

God bless us, everyone.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches

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(+88): View more from

I swear the crows are laughing at me.

(1+88): View more from

You my friend are stoned into submission

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(618): View more from Illinois

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

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(503): View more from Oregon

How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(913): View more from Kansas

My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

But theres a keg here and me gusta

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(415): View more from California

The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

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(702): View more from Nevada

If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry I peed on your everything.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You fool.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(858): View more from California

I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(713): View more from Texas

I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(416): View more from Toronto

When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(302): View more from Delaware

do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero

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(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(408): View more from California

Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine

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(678): View more from Georgia

My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?

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(313): View more from Michigan

When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(613): View more from Ontario

Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

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(704): View more from North Carolina

To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(931): View more from Tennessee

And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand

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(719): View more from Colorado

We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

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(425): View more from Washington

So that wine I told you about is vile...

(360): View more from Washington

That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?

(425): View more from Washington

Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(212): View more from New York

Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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(714): View more from California

todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

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(516): View more from New York

i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second

(631): View more from New York

i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): View more from Minnesota

Yes.

(612): View more from Minnesota

fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(480): View more from Arizona

While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

(602): View more from Arizona

What other scale is there?

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(310): View more from California

My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(916): View more from California

New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.

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(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Ridin mah bike see you on the moon

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Oh that's normal

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

(1-804): View more from Virginia

i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy

(410): View more from Maryland

Order is debatable

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(541): View more from Oregon

I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

woah 15?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know! what is this dateline?

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(708): View more from Illinois

High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(203): View more from Connecticut

His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Same.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(312): View more from Illinois

Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(303): View more from Colorado

My friends, they love my intelligence

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(480): View more from Arizona

Come see our sink grown plant.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(903): View more from Texas

All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.

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(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(760): View more from California

Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes

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(847): View more from Illinois

That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.

(847): View more from Illinois

You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.

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(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(303): View more from Colorado

just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(619): View more from California

I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like everything in this room is sweating

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(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(520): View more from Arizona

There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(561): View more from Florida

The beers last night were like the tears from god

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(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(863): View more from Florida

Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!

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(541): View more from Oregon

so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.

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(503): View more from Oregon

this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"

(541): View more from Oregon

dude.

(503): View more from Oregon

yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(623): View more from Arizona

Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

Where are you?

(623): View more from Arizona

A place I should not be.

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(646): View more from New York

Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!

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(515): View more from Iowa

She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.

(540): View more from Virginia

I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(905): View more from Toronto

me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(+44): View more from England

Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(516): View more from New York

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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