Texts From Last Night · mingz's Favorites

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mingz's Favorites Texts:

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(416): View more from Toronto

im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(213): View more from California

Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

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(631): View more from New York

I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese

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(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(432): View more from Texas

This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(626): View more from California

Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That bitch ruined vodka saturday

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(903): View more from Texas

best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(905): View more from Ontario

How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.

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(214): View more from Texas

then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(618): View more from Illinois

I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha

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(713): View more from Texas

OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.

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(360): View more from Washington

just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(734): View more from Michigan

those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

(269): View more from Michigan

...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(518): View more from New York

I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(512): View more from Texas

It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

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(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(714): View more from California

I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think there was chlamydia in those woods.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

i hate being the asshole.

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(716): View more from New York

i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(281): View more from Texas

I think about you every night.

(1-281): View more from Texas

I'm sorry.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

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(905): View more from Ontario

they call him Oral-B. enough said

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(406): View more from Montana

Drunk walkin through police station. America

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(719): View more from Colorado

One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez

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(541): View more from Oregon

we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(586): View more from Michigan

I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(+61): View more from Australia

She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(810): View more from Michigan

There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.

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(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(571): View more from Virginia

she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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(703): View more from Virginia

If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(770): View more from Georgia

Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....

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(916): View more from California

Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(310): View more from California

im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(310): View more from California

just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.

(310): View more from California

now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!

(310): View more from California

whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

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(716): View more from New York

sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

high in an attic. pig roast in 10.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(914): View more from New York

We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(206): View more from Washington

Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(325): View more from Texas

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(631): View more from New York

She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(818): View more from California

what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!

(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(240): View more from Maryland

she was so not down for the gang bang

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(303): View more from Colorado

it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(206): View more from Washington

Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(813): View more from Florida

I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(480): View more from Arizona

There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars

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(732): View more from New Jersey

everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications

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(716): View more from New York

Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No stitches, just platelets and will power

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(478): View more from Georgia

how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

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(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(415): View more from California

its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(317): View more from Indiana

he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".

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(718): View more from New York

"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

basic color theory

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes

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(601): View more from Mississippi

High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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