Texts From Last Night · hrselftheelf's Favorites

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(404): View more from Georgia

Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twice...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

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(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(940): View more from Texas

Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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(310): View more from California

I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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(417): View more from Missouri

There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(716): View more from New York

There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

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(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(419): View more from Ohio

Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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(845): View more from New York

beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(309): View more from Illinois

So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(563): View more from Iowa

whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

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(914): View more from New York

He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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(785): View more from Kansas

he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(281): View more from Texas

Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(469): View more from Texas

FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(520): View more from Arizona

hahaha! you have a girlfriend

(1-520): View more from Arizona

tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp

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(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(619): View more from California

Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.

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(214): View more from Texas

Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.

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(+44): View more from England

I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(563): View more from Iowa

I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood

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