Texts From Last Night · fuckmehard's Favorites

Sorry treeroyalt hasn't picked any favorites yet.

fuckmehard's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

Fav 8 5483 1423
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5007
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

Fav 47 1611 6037
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

Fav 90 2152 13335
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

Fav 34 7283 1659
share tweet

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1327 11735
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher

Fav 3 1468 1621
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

Fav 16 1371 4683
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

Fav 25 4390 995
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7830
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

Fav 13 6766 1734
share tweet

(571): View more from Virginia

I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

Fav 33 979 5863
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

Fav 30 1356 8974
share tweet

(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

Fav 20 7621 1234
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

Fav 31 6226 1727
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

Fav 35 1115 3725
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Small penises have feelings too.

Fav 68 1121 4046
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

Fav 50 10895 1276
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis

Fav 17 4778 879
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

Fav 96 5318 1762
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

Fav 18 2401 6969
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5918
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

Fav 18 1693 1139
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10303 1562
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.

Fav 33 1250 6792
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

Fav 22 7351 1404
share tweet
(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

Fav 35 8827 2332
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

Fav 20 5360 1329
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

Fav 17 4711 2301
share tweet
(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

Fav 13 4777 1266
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

Fav 22 4057 1699
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

Fav 15 5541 1428
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

Fav 28 1602 13219
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

Fav 39 1794 6248
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.

Fav 65 1976 7233
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.

Fav 11 4435 1169
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.

Fav 51 5140 823
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

Fav 65 1868 4838
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

Fav 29 1140 10585
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

Fav 15 5490 964
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

Fav 10 1416 4856
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13297 1706
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

Fav 62 1912 9807
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

R you on birth control?

(1-212): View more from New York

No, why?

(212): View more from New York

...no reason

Fav 6 1006 1798
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

Fav 57 1205 4284
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

Fav 32 1937 5098
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

Fav 15 2456 4593
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

Fav 10 1994 1068
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1865 4803
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

Fav 21 2028 5765
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9163 1685
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

Fav 13 5624 1674
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

Fav 10 1124 5317
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

Fav 48 6322 1283
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

Fav 38 7034 3217
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

Fav 58 2105 4589
share tweet
(909): View more from California

dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.

Fav 42 3838 803
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I have demons in me.

Fav 12 1303 1803
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

Fav 27 6597 1091
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

we should wear snuggies to the strip club

Fav 17 6754 1295
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

Fav 40 1488 4253
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

Fav 10 1416 4574
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10784 1454
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

Fav 17 4950 1209
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

Fav 20 5292 1422
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

Fav 72 1694 16788
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

Fav 43 1601 20273
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

Fav 26 7623 1491
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

Fav 39 6430 3276
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11923 1660
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

Fav 89 1764 20095
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

Fav 26 7169 1589
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

Fav 34 6462 1420
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67229 3282
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I think I can smell my own vagina right now

Fav 126 1605 23150
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

Fav 47 11112 1129
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

Fav 44 1950 19312
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3349 13004
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

Fav 42 10454 1818
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14382 3190
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

Fav 32 2217 7005
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis

Fav 18 3468 1161
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

Fav 11 4140 1095
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

Fav 31 8384 1991
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11736 2892
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

Fav 22 5583 1456
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

Fav 22 7105 1017
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.

(773): View more from Illinois

...well that sucks.

Fav 37 928 4408
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Fav 63 17502 1634
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

Fav 14 2297 905
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins

Fav 10 1833 3378
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

Fav 30 4109 3153
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

Fav 18 1039 6214
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

Fav 35 1322 6996
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

Fav 4 1996 844
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

Fav 30 1262 2476
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

Fav 209 20495 1475
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

Fav 73 1857 4324
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.

Fav 5 4439 1293
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

Fav 19 1335 4872
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

Fav 14 4107 1641
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

Fav 62 1387 3318
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

Fav 12 3418 2398
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

ugly people sure do ruin things

Fav 33 1348 3584
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Fav 75 24982 1725
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.

Fav 34 3598 802
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.

Fav 41 974 6579
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike

(1-917): View more from New York City

this is mike. we're done.

Fav 21 1140 3295
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

my phone cant type all the emotion im having

Fav 6 1260 3877
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

Fav 102 1969 5857
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives

Fav 15 4329 1435
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 65 8570 1175
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.

Fav 10 3077 965
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?

Fav 34 5061 2954
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1540
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.

Fav 21 5561 1332
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

Fav 29 1241 4012
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

Fav 47 1014 2649
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

Fav 12 1126 3263
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

no, he came in my armpit

Fav 29 1662 10422
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

Fav 41 1891 5218
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

Fav 64 1380 5945
share tweet
(714): View more from California

we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.

Fav 18 1041 4072
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9515 2395
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

Fav 19 6995 1214
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178651 8184
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173860 44315
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

Fav 152 6795 58680
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73987
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6020 103454
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7675 81658
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5195 80176
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

her nose should be used as a dorsal fin

Fav 10 855 3338
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

Fav 41 3637 3439
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.

Fav 44 1486 1951
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

Fav 20 12000 1793
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1550
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

Fav 29 4184 2784
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

Fav 7 4784 1592
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

Fav 16 5912 1355
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

Fav 107 9963 1131
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

Fav 8 2303 787
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.

Fav 7 1097 2857
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

Fav 7 815 2308
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

Fav 59 5518 1112
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8972 1272
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

Fav 64 2912 5577
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11447 1728
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

Fav 68 4280 11959
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

Fav 26 1976 7973
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok

Fav 17 4725 922
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

Fav 17 4245 1789
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

Fav 34 4541 1453
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it

Fav 10 1316 881
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

Fav 37 6985 1439
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

Fav 8 3987 934
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game

Fav 38 4976 1867
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

Fav 18 950 5202
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

Fav 126 23963 2241
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

Fav 41 9127 1274
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal

Fav 64 1701 6244
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i take joy in having bigger boobs than others

Fav 93 6730 1018
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

Fav 24 8429 1006
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

Fav 25 1744 3342
share tweet
(858): View more from California

So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?

Fav 12 1668 984
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

Fav 59 7446 1862
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

Fav 21 7758 2168
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28705 1989
share tweet