I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
