Texts From Last Night · annavolz's Favorites

annavolz's Favorites Texts:

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(417): View more from Missouri

p.s. you have a small clit

(1-417): View more from Missouri

YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

(337): View more from Louisiana

mom cant say that college never taught us math

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(251): View more from Alabama

but she was nice to me.

(256): View more from Alabama

She was a fuckin STRIPPER.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(212): View more from New York

I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(520): View more from Arizona

His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

(310): View more from California

Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

(781): View more from Massachusetts

then i met college

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(586): View more from Michigan

Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****

(734): View more from Michigan

What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?

(586): View more from Michigan

Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(775): View more from Nevada

soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.

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(313): View more from Michigan

mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

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(818): View more from California

And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

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(407): View more from Florida

And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

(407): View more from Florida

That's called being sensitive.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(352): View more from Florida

the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.

(407): View more from Florida

given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was

(352): View more from Florida

i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(407): View more from Florida

big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(970): View more from Colorado

she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Ew you even made it your fb status

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Ppl probably think ur having a kid

(847): View more from Illinois

I hope

(847): View more from Illinois

Love having children with random chicks

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(513): View more from Ohio

did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

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(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

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(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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(310): View more from California

Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(432): View more from Texas

TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor

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(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(410): View more from Maryland

I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

(734): View more from Michigan

I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

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(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(586): View more from Michigan

In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol

(661): View more from California

HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

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(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(305): View more from Florida

he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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