4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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