Texts From Last Night · JJ4577's Favorites

JJ4577's Favorites Texts:

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(714): View more from California

They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(614): View more from Ohio

last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(516): View more from New York

i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(206): View more from Washington

I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.

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(310): View more from California

Just called the consul general of France "dude"

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(816): View more from Missouri

And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(646): View more from New York

why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(845): View more from New York

one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(443): View more from Maryland

No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(913): View more from Kansas

He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(408): View more from California

You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

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(319): View more from Iowa

addddeeerrraaaallll.

(641): View more from Iowa

ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

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(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

(314): View more from Missouri

you don't even go to loyola anymore

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(949): View more from California

Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i feel rough

(617): View more from Massachusetts

just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(206): View more from Washington

We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(740): View more from Ohio

your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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(703): View more from Virginia

it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(301): View more from Maryland

He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(512): View more from Texas

Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(509): View more from Washington

You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

(972): View more from Texas

I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(434): View more from Virginia

some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...

(716): View more from New York

what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

self-loathing.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning

(410): View more from Maryland

how does that even happen??

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(973): View more from New Jersey

If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari

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(540): View more from Virginia

we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(613): View more from Ontario

she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

(613): View more from Ontario

I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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(805): View more from California

I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(720): View more from Colorado

haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(817): View more from Texas

He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling

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(604): View more from British Columbia

just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(453): View more from

apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.

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(561): View more from Florida

At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

(915): View more from Texas

Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hoooooo maaaaan

(313): View more from Michigan

Yes?

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm retarded. Again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

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(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy

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(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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(214): View more from Texas

Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life

(501): View more from Arkansas

3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(415): View more from California

just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My cat gives me a boner

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you mean i was at the winter classic?

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking

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(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(770): View more from Georgia

honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?

(1-770): View more from Georgia

you.

(770): View more from Georgia

oh yeah. preciate

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(514): View more from Quebec

Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Someone shattered a urinal.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(757): View more from Virginia

margs and chips and queso make the world go round

(1-757): View more from Virginia

well and inertia

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(310): View more from California

it was a shit show

(917): View more from New York City

We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(301): View more from Maryland

people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(303): View more from Colorado

these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup

(303): View more from Colorado

now he is talking to a potato

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(650): View more from California

I feel great

(650): View more from California

I just peed on a car

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(323): View more from California

i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Special does not even begin to describe that text.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(310): View more from California

Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

(209): View more from California

it's ELEVEN

(310): View more from California

thirty

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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