Texts From Last Night · TheMidnightNinja's Favorites

TheMidnightNinja's Favorites Texts:

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(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(916): View more from California

does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.

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(323): View more from California

how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

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(714): View more from California

Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.

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(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(810): View more from Michigan

maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(518): View more from New York

Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where were you when I was single???

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Still in diapers.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(614): View more from Ohio

mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(618): View more from Illinois

id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.

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(407): View more from Florida

do you ever just like the smell of your farts?

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(518): View more from New York

Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

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(389): View more from

So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(804): View more from Virginia

It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(440): View more from Ohio

dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(404): View more from Georgia

look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i always forget guys have bellybuttons

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think my fart just growled at me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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