Texts From Last Night · xobamx3's Favorites

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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(478): View more from Georgia

Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(504): View more from Louisiana

And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(319): View more from Iowa

She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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(816): View more from Missouri

I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

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(707): View more from California

He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

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(702): View more from Nevada

oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve

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(334): View more from Alabama

how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(907): View more from Alaska

The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.

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(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

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(765): View more from Indiana

We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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(469): View more from Texas

FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(408): View more from California

I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(323): View more from California

don't go home with that guy from jersey

(626): View more from California

i know, not worth the blood test

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

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(845): View more from New York

the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

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(301): View more from Maryland

do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(602): View more from Arizona

i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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(520): View more from Arizona

New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(716): View more from New York

I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(303): View more from Colorado

Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

we're no longer friends

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(561): View more from Florida

I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(863): View more from Florida

Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(905): View more from Toronto

I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

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(817): View more from Texas

this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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(804): View more from Virginia

i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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(410): View more from Maryland

That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club

(301): View more from Maryland

Dude it was a lap dance

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're my little dorito

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(224): View more from Illinois

Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(410): View more from Maryland

You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(516): View more from New York

He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.

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(989): View more from Michigan

We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(239): View more from Florida

Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(478): View more from Georgia

wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(954): View more from Florida

everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone

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(248): View more from Michigan

don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting

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(843): View more from South Carolina

His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she looks like luggage that fell from a plane

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(440): View more from Ohio

FIrst one done

(609): View more from New Jersey

How did it go?

(440): View more from Ohio

I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(816): View more from Missouri

He passed out mid-signature

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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(817): View more from Texas

is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(219): View more from Indiana

she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.

(260): View more from Indiana

Good luck with that.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Is my tampon string too long for this dress?

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.

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(940): View more from Texas

I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.

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(925): View more from California

anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.

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(323): View more from California

Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(703): View more from Virginia

unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(516): View more from New York

Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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