Texts From Last Night · skimvlcm's Favorites

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skimvlcm's Favorites Texts:

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(561): View more from Florida

I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(314): View more from Missouri

I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(949): View more from California

this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(513): View more from Ohio

twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library

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(816): View more from Missouri

You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now

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(651): View more from Minnesota

the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days

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(954): View more from Florida

Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(510): View more from California

Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(585): View more from New York

So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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(970): View more from Colorado

totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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(305): View more from Florida

She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?

(410): View more from Maryland

Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women

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(515): View more from Iowa

Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

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(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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(289): View more from Ontario

I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

(647): View more from Ontario

It's sore actually

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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(502): View more from Kentucky

guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(571): View more from Virginia

the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

how do flat chested girls get laid?

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again

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(856): View more from New Jersey

well most of my day revolves around power hour

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(313): View more from Michigan

i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.

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(315): View more from New York

can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You better have your party panties on Saturday!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Why only Saturday?

(205): View more from Alabama

Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(516): View more from New York

I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

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(905): View more from Toronto

9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

hey.....beach week happens

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(972): View more from Texas

I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

(1-972): View more from Texas

More like "Chia Pet"

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(818): View more from California

I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(512): View more from Texas

The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

(319): View more from Iowa

Yes. For all mankind please do.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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(585): View more from New York

the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(815): View more from Illinois

man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

birth control should be required to get into college

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