Texts From Last Night · rossturner's Favorites

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that

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(443): View more from Maryland

if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

FUCK THIS BIRD

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I believe in your delicious

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You just get me

(443): View more from Maryland

I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch

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(937): View more from Ohio

That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough

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(765): View more from Indiana

Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night

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(224): View more from Illinois

You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.

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(310): View more from California

Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole

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(434): View more from Virginia

I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.

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(315): View more from New York

Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid

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(703): View more from Virginia

How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She didn't like my gingervitis joke

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(315): View more from New York

You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

third nipple confirmed

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Naked.

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(818): View more from California

It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

(440): View more from Ohio

It's important to play to your strengths.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Can you bring me the toilet please

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(630): View more from Illinois

come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?

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(831): View more from California

my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

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(502): View more from Kentucky

That shot was terrible

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting

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(425): View more from Washington

I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.

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(206): View more from Washington

If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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(303): View more from Colorado

My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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(+61): View more from Australia

I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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(616): View more from Michigan

We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(512): View more from Texas

My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

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(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(906): View more from Michigan

I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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(760): View more from California

I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex

(312): View more from Illinois

I was drunk

(312): View more from Illinois

Please answer

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(817): View more from Texas

You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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(909): View more from California

Every concussion has its silver lining

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(509): View more from Washington

My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(407): View more from Florida

My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.

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(305): View more from Florida

Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(928): View more from Arizona

I deem it safe for us to drink together again.

(1-928): View more from Arizona

They dropped the charges?

(928): View more from Arizona

Yeppers. Come drink beers.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(718): View more from New York

I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

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(760): View more from California

Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(716): View more from New York

The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(913): View more from Kansas

Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(+35): View more from

I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(727): View more from Florida

There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(620): View more from Kansas

Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(425): View more from Washington

Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(727): View more from Florida

the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere

(1-727): View more from Florida

it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

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(419): View more from Ohio

when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(812): View more from Indiana

For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

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(862): View more from New Jersey

That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(716): View more from New York

I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(607): View more from New York

I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(905): View more from Ontario

If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(512): View more from Texas

He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.

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(850): View more from Florida

does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(254): View more from Texas

They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(516): View more from New York

Man, jail baloney is awful.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.

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(206): View more from Washington

After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

(347): View more from New York

Something to remember me by.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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(757): View more from Virginia

And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(530): View more from California

Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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