Texts From Last Night · msjaxson's Favorites

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(805): View more from California

I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(706): View more from Georgia

When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(806): View more from Texas

Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(530): View more from California

It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't remember what your face looks like..

(727): View more from Florida

I don't remember your face either, just your dick.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

(440): View more from Ohio

Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

(216): View more from Ohio

You make a valid point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(909): View more from California

I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.

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(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.

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(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(330): View more from Ohio

When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(647): View more from Ontario

btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(903): View more from Texas

I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(214): View more from Texas

bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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(616): View more from Michigan

he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(714): View more from California

Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(205): View more from Alabama

we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(816): View more from Missouri

All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(305): View more from Florida

I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

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(940): View more from Texas

This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(415): View more from California

SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(818): View more from California

You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(518): View more from New York

you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(682): View more from Texas

While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(360): View more from Washington

Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(804): View more from Virginia

Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(757): View more from Virginia

so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(917): View more from New York City

my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(620): View more from Kansas

In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(330): View more from Ohio

He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

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(801): View more from Utah

The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(207): View more from Maine

Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(314): View more from Missouri

She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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(210): View more from Texas

I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(435): View more from Utah

i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(760): View more from California

He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(626): View more from California

I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(360): View more from Washington

I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(281): View more from Texas

my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person

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(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(707): View more from California

I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

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(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

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(917): View more from New York City

My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

(917): View more from New York City

Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

(810): View more from Michigan

I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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(315): View more from New York

I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.

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(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(512): View more from Texas

Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...

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(240): View more from Maryland

I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(206): View more from Washington

Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(530): View more from California

I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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