Texts From Last Night · ashleynicole728's Favorites

Sorry AlwaysAJetsGirl hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ashleynicole728's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

Fav 12 5970 1644
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet

(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

Fav 94 1633 12766
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

Fav 91 5282 935
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

Fav 50 6322 1602
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

Fav 32 6557 1197
share tweet

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

Fav 9 6329 1503
share tweet

(734): View more from Michigan

I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

Fav 17 2162 3267
share tweet
(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

Fav 54 2393 5138
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21684 2537
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

Fav 25 5166 1515
share tweet

(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7428 1904
share tweet

(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7340 1516
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

Fav 16 4927 1391
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

Fav 4 5637 1401
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15541 2219
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

Fav 36 9896 1487
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

Fav 14 6200 1430
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2070
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3813 6190
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

Fav 26 7007 1360
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

Fav 17 8745 1244
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

Fav 34 7189 1774
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

Fav 31 11049 2133
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18663 1506
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.

Fav 13 4912 1010
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32823 1974
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

Fav 43 12107 1196
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17355 1781
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

What tipped you off? The sombrero?

Fav 11 4999 915
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

Fav 24 5406 1591
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

Fav 18 9991 1171
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days

Fav 52 1336 4039
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

(310): View more from California

Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

Fav 14 4547 1313
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon

Fav 70 1336 3785
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

Fav 43 4984 1466
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

Fav 116 7087 1963
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

Fav 259 5458 5327
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation

Fav 106 5941 1171
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

Fav 11 2860 4616
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

Fav 24 6934 1165
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

Fav 20 6471 1387
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

Fav 57 13784 1587
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

Fav 49 1797 7943
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I am full of burrito and curiosity

Fav 24 5664 985
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

Fav 29 7429 1114
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair

Fav 82 4584 1263
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

Fav 23 7426 1076
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14630 1491
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

Fav 22 1401 4654
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".

Fav 49 880 3634
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

Fav 10 1541 7768
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

Fav 24 1288 4199
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom

Fav 11 1584 3718
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

Fav 6 3833 948
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

Fav 22 8682 1102
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

Fav 11 4962 1420
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

Fav 7 3606 1248
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

He played with my vagina like it was a turntable

Fav 24 4455 1907
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar

(651): View more from Minnesota

If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either

Fav 24 958 4305
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

Fav 39 5922 1179
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

Fav 13 6589 1201
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.

Fav 22 4375 1040
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

Fav 27 17666 1465
share tweet
(600): View more from

I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans

Fav 6 3953 785
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

Fav 15 6910 863
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

Fav 14 5365 1424
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

hey.....beach week happens

Fav 18 4827 1551
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.

Fav 12 4163 838
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.

Fav 28 1036 4604
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

Fav 4 4193 1141
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17837 1906
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

Fav 32 15624 1191
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

Fav 73 6253 1151
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side

Fav 27 5799 1091
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

Fav 44 5440 1353
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

Fav 39 1633 5834
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

Fav 26 8206 1330
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

Fav 19 5636 1009
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

Fav 45 1189 9944
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

Fav 33 8716 1191
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

Fav 18 1301 4767
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

Fav 43 6816 1378
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3256 6857
share tweet
(714): View more from California

we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.

Fav 11 4155 834
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

Fav 60 1123 4216
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Lol welcome to greek life

Fav 43 1149 4494
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long

Fav 8 1372 3790
share tweet
(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

Fav 33 6155 1789
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

Fav 27 4753 809
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today

Fav 5 3415 867
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

Fav 26 7294 1795
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.

(651): View more from Minnesota

again?

Fav 11 1345 5165
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement

Fav 53 1136 5106
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions

Fav 27 1061 4378
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20465 2852
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

Fav 44 17870 1596
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20580 2710
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

Fav 87 21055 2043
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

(202): View more from Washington, DC

He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

Fav 60 1018 5523
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

Fav 27 7720 1778
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark

Fav 50 3952 1353
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11195 2032
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

Fav 19 1161 5325
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

Fav 15 8143 1144
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

Fav 42 5310 1196
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Fav 63 17502 1634
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.

Fav 23 5082 803
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

Fav 13 5206 1159
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

Fav 5 1496 4621
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

Fav 34 1763 5214
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.

Fav 20 5959 925
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac

Fav 5 3338 816
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wanted to see November 5, 1985

Fav 19 4490 945
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

Fav 14 5109 1105
share tweet
(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

Fav 15 1675 3570
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

Fav 37 2409 3572
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

Fav 37 5753 1137
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

Fav 22 1623 5820
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?

Fav 22 1530 4634
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

Fav 33 6305 1136
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

Fav 22 5872 1059
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

Fav 25 14582 1149
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

Fav 60 8719 2067
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

Fav 10 5984 1281
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

Fav 8 3799 970
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

Fav 15 8119 1220
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.

(216): View more from Ohio

Take that integrity

Fav 48 3346 973
share tweet
(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

Fav 18 1944 4272
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

Fav 7 5126 915
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

Fav 13 4810 1537
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

Fav 35 6662 815
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

Fav 41 4520 1520
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

Fav 19 4762 1041
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow

(802): View more from Vermont

Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

Fav 2 1440 3013
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

Fav 9 3864 1439
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

Fav 13 10373 1144
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

Fav 29 7162 1691
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

Fav 27 3690 4443
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

Fav 26 6734 997
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

Fav 33 1970 5289
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

Fav 34 6810 1218
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

ra ra ra ah ah

(573): View more from Missouri

wtf?

(636): View more from Missouri

sexting lady gaga style

Fav 59 5533 1878
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

Fav 40 7152 1404
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

Fav 21 5563 1566
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

Fav 16 7485 1556
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

Fav 29 5982 1290
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue

Fav 93 4915 1395
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41515 3928
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

Fav 25 1987 4745
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

Fav 26 11696 1179
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173860 44315
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2247
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

Fav 66 20825 1545
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28628 2259
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

Fav 37 23138 2050
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

Fav 15 7011 1116
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

Fav 30 5560 1152
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13054 1324
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

Fav 22 29935 1590
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

Fav 29 1403 1756
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

Fav 15 2619 863
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

Fav 36 10178 1173
share tweet