Texts From Last Night · RtGxTLx's Favorites

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(212): View more from New York

lets start a swedish sibling band together

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(951): View more from California

Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(585): View more from New York

he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(718): View more from New York

He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(914): View more from New York

all she had left on were here heels. phone five

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(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(858): View more from California

last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(607): View more from New York

When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(907): View more from Alaska

the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the worst part is we had a camera rolling

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have to watch that.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(214): View more from Texas

call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.

(203): View more from Connecticut

Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(256): View more from Alabama

She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.

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(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So for us it's double that?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Precisely.

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(816): View more from Missouri

this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(631): View more from New York

Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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