Texts From Last Night · Jaxonn's Favorites

Sorry SWCT16 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Jaxonn's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

Fav 10 2824 1366
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

Fav 7 2939 1219
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

Fav 7 4772 1144
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

Fav 21 7509 1216
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

Fav 11 5240 1101
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

Fav 10 4624 1057
share tweet

(864): View more from South Carolina

She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.

Fav 4 936 1445
share tweet

(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

Fav 15 1656 3657
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...

Fav 3 1070 1441
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

Fav 11 5004 1139
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

Fav 26 7740 1701
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

Fav 6 1727 795
share tweet

(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

Fav 14 2765 895
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

Fav 9 2970 1448
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling

Fav 12 1822 870
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

Fav 27 1517 3087
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

Fav 13 5354 1170
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.

Fav 3 2538 944
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

Fav 6 1181 1390
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

Fav 10 1131 1771
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.

Fav 3 1906 866
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

Fav 9 3006 917
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

Fav 23 4912 1097
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

Fav 16 6081 1810
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

Fav 5 3370 1032
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

Fav 3 2159 925
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

Fav 4 3527 1030
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

Fav 4 3451 1019
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Goddamn tequila

Fav 5 2412 886
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

Fav 20 2795 1348
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

Fav 8 3432 1006
share tweet
(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

Fav 22 4674 1383
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1450
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk

Fav 7 1741 861
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

Fav 15 3001 1331
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

Fav 12 1681 3853
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

Fav 4 4263 1060
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

(678): View more from Georgia

Yep, it's a friday

Fav 10 2496 1003
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

Fav 7 3902 1203
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7696 1376
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

Fav 27 3068 1045
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

Fav 5 2274 1145
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

Fav 27 4963 1822
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

Fav 14 4009 1062
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.

Fav 9 1908 883
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

Fav 13 2369 1321
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

Fav 19 4268 1901
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

Fav 6 2853 1096
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.

Fav 6 915 2381
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

Fav 9 2612 1629
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

(1-817): View more from Texas

This hangover makes more sense now

Fav 11 2729 861
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

Fav 4 2119 863
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Fav 14 4597 1037
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

Fav 4 3295 1185
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

so then she threw up in his asshole

(1-231): View more from Michigan

yep..that'll do it.

Fav 15 915 4746
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

Fav 8 3556 1030
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Fav 9 2139 1307
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

Fav 49 1231 5966
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

Fav 6 1583 2847
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

Fav 8 2769 1051
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

Fav 24 5722 1410
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

Fav 11 3279 967
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

Fav 12 4015 1248
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

Fav 17 5263 1113
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

Fav 11 1152 3632
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

Fav 9 4443 1244
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"

Fav 3 2124 1002
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8755 1365
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

Fav 21 4207 2281
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

Fav 6 2631 1089
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

Fav 7 2632 1002
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

Fav 11 3339 1657
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

Fav 13 4584 1213
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8709 1717
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.

Fav 6 868 2623
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

Fav 10 3394 1619
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

Fav 2 2427 835
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

Fav 9 2482 1069
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

Fav 13 4174 1460
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

Fav 8 2631 985
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

Fav 6 1556 2200
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

Fav 8 2005 1035
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4992 1251
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

Fav 5 3948 991
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

Fav 12 2497 1123
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31764 1917
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39696 2410
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41377 2662
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42104 3339
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59119 5676
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61939 8169
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It was pathetic and I was covered in butter

Fav 5 1601 1072
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

Fav 8 2054 1340
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17233 1494
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

Fav 17 1565 3540
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

Fav 12 3658 1633
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

Fav 14 4933 1526
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

Fav 21 7417 1161
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

Fav 4 979 1506
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

Fav 9 3428 1001
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

Fav 7 3596 1269
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

Fav 8 4000 1359
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..

Fav 7 2056 1042
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

Fav 3 2404 1084
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

Fav 11 1131 3793
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

Fav 4 1360 1642
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

Fav 20 2572 1311
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

Fav 7 2467 998
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

Fav 3 2448 1011
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

Fav 11 2454 1108
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch

Fav 6 1625 961
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

Fav 25 4008 1759
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

Fav 17 3048 4590
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

Fav 15 1295 4060
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

Fav 10 2824 1318
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car

Fav 6 1140 2456
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

Fav 7 3522 979
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

Fav 3 2224 953
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

Fav 9 3404 1201
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

Fav 7 2109 909
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

Fav 4 2503 952
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

Fav 11 1151 2133
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

Fav 33 6796 1689
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.

Fav 18 2136 755
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Tell me you're kidding.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

Fav 8 1144 3119
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

Fav 1 2458 914
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

Fav 21 3567 2473
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Fav 19 10539 1294
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4453 2177
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

Fav 7 5477 1231
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

Fav 11 2875 957
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

Fav 8 5006 1301
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

Fav 4 3369 1043
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

Fav 1 1495 2138
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

Fav 21 4717 1268
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5780 1299
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

Fav 24 7883 1504
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

Fav 59 1541 7354
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

Fav 7 1099 3599
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

Fav 7 4772 1074
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4309 1891
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

Fav 9 3637 998
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

Fav 4 3054 938
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.

Fav 10 2865 1568
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

Fav 7 3012 1056
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

Fav 12 4533 1798
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

Fav 11 4242 1464
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

Fav 11 1031 2239
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

Fav 8 3456 1207
share tweet
(408): View more from California

A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.

Fav 6 2089 1267
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit

Fav 2 2002 1161
share tweet
(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

Fav 4 2853 1205
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

Fav 4 2582 1303
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

Fav 4 2517 891
share tweet
(442): View more from California

her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

Fav 12 3861 1215
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

Fav 4 3409 1033
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

Fav 18 4539 2368
share tweet
(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

Fav 19 5534 1769
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

Fav 13 1858 4301
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer

Fav 5 1790 1261
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.

Fav 20 2042 5522
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

Fav 37 3763 5732
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1472
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

Fav 20 5878 1863
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Fav 11 3491 1023
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

Fav 12 4548 1372
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

Fav 13 3027 1263
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Fav 33 13804 1896
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

Fav 31 5056 1139
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

Fav 12 3250 1327
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

Fav 27 6543 1136
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

Fav 7 3681 1026
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

Fav 6 2594 944
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

Fav 8 3028 1148
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

Fav 12 3344 1307
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

Fav 10 2691 1182
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

Fav 6 3689 1030
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

Fav 9 3183 1131
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

Fav 7 1354 4028
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

Fav 11 4590 1395
share tweet
(714): View more from California

For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.

Fav 3 2871 1210
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

Fav 7 2825 1862
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

Fav 4 3540 1216
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

Fav 17 2240 2680
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7818 2211
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

Fav 44 18808 1584
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

Fav 28 1784 5712
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10506 1834
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

Fav 3 2469 1144
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"

Fav 13 4883 993
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

Fav 19 1630 4848
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

Fav 66 7701 1148
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

Fav 25 7721 1544
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

Fav 25 7130 1697
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.

Fav 9 4298 1290
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

Fav 43 15051 1370
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

Fav 2 2383 1145
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

Fav 4 1903 1439
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

Fav 6 2682 1668
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

Fav 10 5389 1420
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

Fav 6 2658 1432
share tweet
(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

Fav 8 4546 1116
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

Fav 4 3333 959
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4885 1268
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

Fav 14 3483 1341
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 911
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

Fav 7 3957 1091
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

Fav 5 1158 2548
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1556
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

Fav 4 2666 964
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

Fav 10 4252 1214
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1568
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

Fav 13 3604 1448
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

Fav 12 4637 1156
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

Fav 30 1262 2476
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

Fav 7 3498 1022
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

Fav 139 8185 1578
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

Fav 20 5671 1830
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

Fav 29 2680 1012
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

Fav 70 7453 1015
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2075
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

Fav 5 4149 1138
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

Fav 19 5523 1324
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

Fav 22 3904 829
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7103 1439
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Fav 8 4045 1226
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

Fav 37 2232 6276
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

Fav 10 3399 1256
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2872 1040
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39335 2227
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

Fav 35 7637 1720
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!

Fav 22 1591 3370
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

Fav 12 1865 3909
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

Fav 41 11815 2667
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

Fav 20 4278 1064
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

Fav 134 7116 1681
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

Fav 15 1383 4072
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12316 1861
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

Fav 14 5391 1675
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1399
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

Fav 12 7475 1483
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3317 5171
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

Fav 10 1509 4448
share tweet
(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

Fav 16 3938 1289
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

Fav 9 1286 4127
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7395 1981
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6669 1375
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

Fav 20 5932 2210
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

Fav 17 7029 1994
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

Fav 9 3344 1212
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

Fav 19 4331 1778
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.

Fav 4 1454 1859
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

Fav 37 11808 1173
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

Fav 12 6338 1100
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

Fav 34 1447 6735
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31567 1783
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that

Fav 35 994 5790
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

Fav 37 4212 1832
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3609
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

Fav 17 4463 1373
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

Fav 10 4690 1395
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

Fav 9 3673 1328
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

Fav 14 5090 1437
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

Fav 16 2630 2861
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

Fav 131 6585 7807
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

Fav 10 6570 1879
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

Fav 5 3600 1240
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

Fav 7 3104 1160
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

Fav 7 3147 1666
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

Fav 11 3617 1342
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

Fav 15 5587 1292
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth

Fav 4 2078 1335
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

Fav 26 2585 9621
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

Fav 7 3460 1392
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

Fav 47 15196 2261
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6363 1505
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.

Fav 2 1068 1867
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

Fav 11 1241 2883
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

Fav 11 1779 3955
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

Fav 4 3346 1373
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1419
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2114
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

Fav 36 17422 1386
share tweet
(619): View more from California

guys are not supposed to queef...right?

Fav 96 982 7298
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

Fav 10 2604 1139
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

Fav 3 2579 1087
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...

Fav 14 1612 3750
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

Fav 29 1122 1651
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?

(206): View more from Washington

only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

Fav 72 1286 9281
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

Fav 19 1230 3929
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

would you consider him our boss?

(503): View more from Oregon

technically yes

(360): View more from Washington

then technically i slept with our boss

Fav 22 4207 783
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

Fav 92 5107 1380
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

Fav 67 12732 1760
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

Fav 20 1543 6654
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

Fav 19 5246 3053
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2677
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

Fav 28 4754 1561
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?

(312): View more from Illinois

It's worth it.

(248): View more from Michigan

How worth it?

(312): View more from Illinois

Back door worth it

Fav 4 4906 1857
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

Fav 7 3519 1466
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"

Fav 3 2339 1273
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

Fav 14 4427 1343
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4077 1579
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

Fav 10 3341 1290
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

Fav 5 2742 1274
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6690 1665
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3247 10005
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

Fav 70 5482 10086
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

Fav 28 1713 10212
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3572 10373
share tweet
(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

Fav 27 1383 10105
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...

Fav 63 1110 9825
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2195 11018
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

Fav 50 2315 11480
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2831 11410
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6954 12714
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

Fav 37 1725 13640
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

Fav 41 1871 13825
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

Fav 24 1233 14204
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1674 14428
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14610
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

Fav 72 2644 14973
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3620 15826
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?

Fav 56 3468 14734
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3686 15933
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3005 15630
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

Fav 58 1556 15732
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3053 24677
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

Fav 7 3630 1453
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6204 1572
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3369 1165
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

Fav 14 3656 1843
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

Fav 17 4396 1395
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13462 1378
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

Fav 30 4685 1343
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

Fav 6 4986 1798
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

Fav 13 6744 1717
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

Fav 5 2030 944
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5011 1305
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

Fav 5 2591 1305
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

Fav 37 1591 5565
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

Fav 4 2885 1255
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

Fav 54 11663 1716
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

Fav 37 6928 923
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.

Fav 17 1139 2186
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

Fav 7 1335 3815
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

Fav 14 6280 1872
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

Fav 6 3796 1386
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7127 1711
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(818): View more from California

got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

Fav 9 5510 1288
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?

Fav 6 3518 1071
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Fav 32 11083 1167
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

dude, you're being a jerk.

(919): View more from North Carolina

sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney

Fav 6 1183 798
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

Fav 9 3254 1751
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

Fav 6 3366 1732
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

Fav 9 2989 793
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

Fav 4 3137 1150
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3506 1060
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar

Fav 4 1452 2323
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7083 1891
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

Fav 3 3608 1285
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

Fav 22 6576 1398
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

Fav 7 3070 1542
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

Fav 3 4222 1247
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

Fav 3 2657 1111
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46240 4278
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53643 3889
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53710 3599
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7321
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

Fav 8 1731 4160
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup

(303): View more from Colorado

now he is talking to a potato

Fav 8 3823 975
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

Fav 11 5411 1316
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

Fav 48 1522 7178
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on

Fav 11 1332 1399
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

Fav 12 2720 1049
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

Fav 6 3943 1163
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5522 1504
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

Fav 18 3871 1234
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7262 1484
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

Fav 8 2587 1406
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

Fav 3 3584 1019
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4515 1398
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You did a strip tease for the toilet.

Fav 6 2666 1299
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

Fav 14 1563 919
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.

Fav 10 2977 1328
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

Fav 17 4999 968
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice

Fav 15 3402 1621
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

Fav 38 1577 3416
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

Fav 6 4399 1353
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

Fav 7 3308 1753
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

Fav 11 5331 1526
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

Fav 6 4631 1115
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

Fav 10 3305 1298
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

Fav 1 3905 1151
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

Fav 9 3504 1264
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

Fav 3 3652 1383
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

Fav 4 3632 1225
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

Fav 14 3300 2363
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.

Fav 23 933 2508
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9939 2305
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

Fav 4 4454 1271
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

Fav 9 3871 1489
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

Fav 61 18438 1590
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i perioded on his leg

(714): View more from California

on. his. leg.

Fav 49 1388 11048
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

Fav 5 4404 1114
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

Fav 8 3234 1271
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15541 2219
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

Fav 85 13433 1865
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9868 1514
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

Fav 4 3264 1364
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

Fav 2 3408 1184
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

Fav 21 3617 1521
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

Fav 45 2270 4231
share tweet
(858): View more from California

So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?

Fav 12 1668 984
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

(1-912): View more from Georgia

dude...come out of the closet already

Fav 40 2273 4907
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

Fav 19 5836 1355
share tweet
(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

Fav 6 4320 1748
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

Fav 17 9787 1961
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

Fav 11 7737 1978
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

Fav 33 19004 1312
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

Fav 30 1771 7852
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

Fav 15 3132 2133
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

Fav 16 6008 1373
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

Fav 41 9937 3827
share tweet
(818): View more from California

this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera

Fav 10 3226 817
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"

Fav 6 2870 1674
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

Fav 16 4538 2192
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

Fav 38 7798 1090
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

Fav 44 1581 7276
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

Fav 5 3507 1267
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

Fav 8 3781 1598
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

Fav 15 6085 1520
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going

Fav 4 3100 1422
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10047 1751
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

my computer doesn't work...

(619): View more from California

why?

(419): View more from Ohio

i puked on it last night

Fav 4 1145 2716
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.

Fav 4 2441 1380
share tweet
(650): View more from California

at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

Fav 5 1083 2573
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

Fav 6 3588 1305
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

Fav 9 6238 1434
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

Fav 29 4970 1352
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

Fav 2 1135 4048
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

Fav 24 5671 1619
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Is this the I'm gay speech?

Fav 2 2324 940
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

Fav 47 9131 1130
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

Fav 3 3649 1416
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9072 1566
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

Fav 4 3864 1193
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

Fav 12 4843 1225
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

Fav 6 3854 1431
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9676 1869
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

Fav 9 3284 1213
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.

Fav 6 1554 2786
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.

Fav 6 2621 2075
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.

Fav 30 1097 3557
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8658 1401
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

Fav 22 1340 3829
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

Fav 23 4456 2250
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.

Fav 32 1084 5559
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks

Fav 5 1834 1592
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom

Fav 9 4662 1159
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7174 1508
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

Fav 20 6380 1194
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.

Fav 17 3384 1369
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...

Fav 4 1996 844
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

Fav 17 7697 1500
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

Fav 27 2024 4554
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

Fav 37 4850 1066
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

Fav 13 3011 1440
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

Fav 24 6577 1102
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

Fav 2 2626 2414
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.

Fav 15 2076 2833
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

Fav 8 3664 1399
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

Fav 18 1276 4397
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

Fav 21 4458 1910
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

Fav 8 1392 3313
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend

Fav 26 1156 6037
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3213 1314
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

Fav 14 4398 1700
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

Fav 26 6435 1131
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

Fav 53 6763 1387
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.

Fav 18 2481 3508
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7340 1516
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.

Fav 5 1242 2492
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

Fav 30 3344 5376
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

Fav 18 5498 1235
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

Fav 37 7759 1911
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

Fav 19 9103 2265
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

Fav 26 5615 869
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

Fav 18 5993 1053
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

Fav 26 1957 7714
share tweet
(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

Fav 23 5185 1199
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6752 1631
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67828 4684
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.

Fav 9 2957 1118
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

Fav 33 26026 1775
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

Fav 5 5589 1284
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

Fav 29 1764 5429
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

Fav 20 5367 2448
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

Fav 13 5835 1456
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12694 1530
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

Fav 66 2923 4600
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

Fav 29 6177 1589
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

Fav 11 4333 1186
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

Fav 15 5617 1130
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

Fav 8 2876 1254
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

Fav 12 4844 1333
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

Fav 23 3554 1839
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

Fav 9 1339 2710
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

Fav 12 2730 1493
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.

Fav 12 3504 1268
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

Fav 7 1630 3100
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.

Fav 8 1480 3181
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

Fav 14 5624 1525
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

Fav 3 2616 1350
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

Fav 27 2306 5538
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

Fav 7 2793 1337
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

Fav 4 1415 3121
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Fav 41 6373 2099
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

Fav 16 1752 4213
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1436
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

Fav 13 6020 1808
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.

Fav 7 1335 2456
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

Fav 11 3790 1910
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

Fav 11 5769 1243
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

Fav 9 1624 3280
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

Fav 12 4799 1955
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 23 1581 4041
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster

Fav 3 1028 2022
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12727 1623
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6459 1538
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

Fav 15 4287 1798
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom

Fav 21 1717 5025
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8382 1455
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

Fav 14 4512 1079
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

Fav 30 6860 889
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

Fav 14 6679 1209
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

Fav 14 1422 5252
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

Fav 15 1039 2233
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

Fav 39 9691 1330
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

Fav 11 4654 1778
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.

Fav 15 950 4275
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

Fav 31 1420 5742
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

Fav 8 1383 2346
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know

Fav 25 1338 5515
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

Fav 15 1580 3943
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now

Fav 21 1109 2870
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

Fav 12 3713 1323
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

Fav 28 6607 2343
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

Fav 32 8070 1041
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

Fav 34 2620 3393
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

Fav 14 1472 4906
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

Fav 7 3377 1261
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2221
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

Fav 32 5881 2827
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

Fav 14 3627 1611
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

Fav 8 1681 3650
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

Fav 61 2229 6762
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

Fav 30 6915 1767
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

Fav 6 2210 1064
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

Fav 17 1602 6073
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

Fav 17 1025 5463
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

Fav 69 4944 1088
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

Fav 13 6540 1585
share tweet
(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

Fav 22 6939 3524
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

Fav 19 1454 7885
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

Fav 46 6175 1785
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

Fav 40 1951 6454
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

go do what you do best...puke behind churches

Fav 9 1351 792
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

Fav 13 4525 1876
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

Fav 21 6648 1630
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

Fav 58 1317 12605
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...

Fav 15 1489 4959
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

Fav 8 4779 1986
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30395 1601
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

Fav 60 11448 1133
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

Fav 31 6496 2384
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin

(253): View more from Washington

was*

(509): View more from Washington

True, R.I.P.

Fav 19 1437 2651
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

Fav 9 1491 6714
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

Fav 10 2113 4995
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

Fav 12 3395 1261
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

Fav 9 5465 1223
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?

Fav 12 4736 1042
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

Fav 12 1270 3150
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

Fav 6 2785 1156
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

Fav 21 4517 1721
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

Fav 16 1136 3720
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

Fav 52 1165 10666
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.

Fav 5 1097 3088
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

Fav 10 5002 1096
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

Fav 20 2063 7201
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?

Fav 50 1497 3089
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

Fav 17 8325 2497
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

(1-917): View more from New York City

no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

Fav 24 6022 1081
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22258 1880
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22592 1879
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

Fav 37 23138 2050
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22476 1748
share tweet
(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

Fav 35 22810 1330
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

Fav 48 23095 1767
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

Fav 84 23166 1466
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

Fav 106 23662 1413
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

Fav 118 23975 2941
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

Fav 104 24495 1398
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Fav 45 24500 1548
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25039 2258
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2501
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2046
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

Fav 91 25819 1524
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

Fav 75 24982 1725
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1879
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

Fav 71 26942 1798
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27492 1855
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

Fav 75 26730 2054
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29357 1874
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

Fav 65 29371 2498
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3778
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

Fav 60 25368 2235
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28606 1841
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29987 1755
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9681
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

Fav 18 5419 1772
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

Fav 26 7574 1352
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just got invited to go home with a married couple...

Fav 13 6069 1241
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I got chris browned last night

Fav 10 1134 2436
share tweet
(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

Fav 31 7096 1007
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.

(310): View more from California

So you didn't like Bolt?

Fav 2 3324 840
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

Fav 14 5564 1148
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

Fav 15 5814 1567
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

Fav 7 4196 1347
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

Fav 86 1755 10795
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1476
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.

Fav 23 1325 4421
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.

Fav 52 4984 1024
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1174
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

Fav 19 1352 7076
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

Fav 50 7156 1097
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...

Fav 6 3321 1335
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5058 36758
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1875 14047
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.

Fav 4 962 2284
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

Fav 15 1405 3118
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

Fav 12 4625 1605
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

Fav 15 5049 1412
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

Fav 4 1195 2923
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"

Fav 3 2246 1106
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

Fav 5 3844 1095
share tweet
(760): View more from California

my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

Fav 4 2821 1015
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

Fav 9 4300 1950
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.

Fav 3 1688 2512
share tweet
(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

Fav 21 3021 3844
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

Fav 5 4518 1597
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

Fav 14 4993 1739
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

Fav 7 1300 4149
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo

Fav 6 1456 2615
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

Fav 10 3517 1153
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

Fav 10 3499 1623
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

Fav 15 6255 1474
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 24 8764 1782
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

Fav 7 3555 1069
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

Fav 21 6288 1544
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6908 1513
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137224 6911
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10745
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

Fav 13 4583 910
share tweet
(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

Fav 14 6913 1764
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.

Fav 9 4539 1665
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

Fav 17 4952 1489
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

Fav 5 4907 1086
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

Fav 8 4912 1292
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

Fav 7 5571 1133
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5611 1351
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

Fav 16 5196 1371
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

Fav 25 5310 1534
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5780 1243
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

Fav 21 5238 1880
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

Fav 23 5303 1551
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

Fav 5 4977 1016
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

Fav 9 5243 1646
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

Fav 14 6883 1432
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6053 1697
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

Fav 4 5607 1381
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

Fav 7 5688 1451
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

Fav 11 5796 1237
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

Fav 9 5964 1503
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

Fav 11 5712 1241
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

Fav 10 5972 1451
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

Fav 9 6175 2087
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

Fav 9 6873 1363
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

Fav 15 6484 2373
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

Fav 11 6569 1459
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

Fav 7 6658 1320
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

Fav 11 8843 1336
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

Fav 22 8126 1832
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7528 1244
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

Fav 12 8134 1352
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

Fav 19 8251 1469
share tweet
(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

Fav 12 8258 1317
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8353 2005
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10629 1511
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14188 1707
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

Fav 1 4224 1973
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

Fav 3 2679 1233
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

Fav 2 2436 1285
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

Fav 7 3153 1761
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

Fav 10 4141 1403
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40362 3924
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39925 2449
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39786 2523
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39770 2393
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

Fav 4 3245 1363
share tweet