Texts From Last Night · CaseyMassacre's Favorites

Sorry kdogchatterbox hasn't picked any favorites yet.

CaseyMassacre's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

Fav 7 3305 1457
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.

Fav 5 1174 2149
share tweet

(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

Fav 1 2699 1252
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

Fav 8 2813 1156
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

Fav 1 2290 1171
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

Fav 6 2932 1126
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

Fav 9 3882 1450
share tweet

(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

Fav 5 3419 1282
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

Fav 11 3383 1257
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

Fav 7 3016 1517
share tweet
(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

Fav 8 3316 1265
share tweet

(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

Fav 12 1188 3037
share tweet

(865): View more from Tennessee

Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?

Fav 4 1223 2400
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

Fav 4 1903 1439
share tweet

(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

Fav 4 3304 1890
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me

Fav 4 2026 1485
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

Fav 7 3266 1143
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.

Fav 3 1863 1203
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

Fav 7 5306 1358
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.

Fav 10 2079 1319
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.

Fav 6 1158 2802
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.

Fav 4 2050 1191
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

Fav 5 1530 3011
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

Fav 4 2342 1535
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.

Fav 9 2786 1194
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.

Fav 3 1980 1257
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

Fav 9 3336 1067
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

Fav 7 1985 1245
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

Fav 16 1781 4006
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

Fav 4 1050 2816
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard

Fav 5 1238 2207
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

Fav 4 4402 1267
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

Fav 4 2143 1172
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.

Fav 19 1188 4715
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?

Fav 9 2983 1332
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.

Fav 7 1083 3712
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

Fav 3 3331 1333
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

Fav 7 3166 1009
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7669 1364
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor

Fav 7 2852 1078
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

Fav 30 1347 8003
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

Fav 4 3153 1014
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

Fav 15 5617 1130
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

Fav 9 1450 3220
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

Fav 12 4844 1333
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

Fav 9 1342 2642
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

Fav 42 9846 1758
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Fav 5 4487 1312
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

Fav 12 2730 1493
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

Fav 15 5252 1430
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

Fav 17 4459 1191
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

Fav 19 4579 1643
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

Fav 7 1630 3100
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.

Fav 8 1480 3181
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

Fav 14 5624 1525
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

Fav 10 3510 1012
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

Fav 2 3657 1229
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

Fav 20 9656 1745
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.

Fav 12 2768 1608
share tweet
(408): View more from California

My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.

Fav 5 1492 2459
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

Fav 2 3068 1405
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

Fav 7 2793 1337
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke

Fav 4 2583 1407
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

Fav 9 3900 1620
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

Fav 26 5514 2730
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

Fav 34 5974 1503
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.

Fav 13 3056 1647
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

Fav 5 2990 1188
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

Fav 9 5412 1195
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

Fav 16 4146 2145
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.

Fav 10 1052 3162
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.

Fav 6 976 3390
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.

Fav 5 1859 976
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.

Fav 17 1215 2908
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

Fav 12 4619 1237
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

Fav 17 6174 1415
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

Fav 36 7019 1161
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them

Fav 1 1087 2014
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

Fav 7 1408 3844
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

Fav 20 7434 1243
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

Fav 9 1536 4272
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.

Fav 6 2579 1230
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.

Fav 2 1202 2170
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.

Fav 4 1502 2572
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

Fav 4 3362 985
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

Fav 5 4236 1197
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

Fav 8 5964 1178
share tweet
(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

Fav 12 1839 3495
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

Fav 6 1487 3276
share tweet
(530): View more from California

She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.

Fav 10 1154 3808
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

Fav 10 5494 1625
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

Fav 14 4683 1226
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

Fav 2 1251 2533
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.

Fav 8 1259 2619
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6610 1402
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.

Fav 4 975 3049
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....

Fav 6 3222 1209
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

Fav 10 3398 1205
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

Fav 13 1918 3498
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

Fav 18 1777 3354
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1568
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

Fav 22 4862 1304
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.

Fav 8 3479 1203
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

Fav 11 3004 1148
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

Fav 15 4436 1720
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

Fav 30 8250 1362
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

Fav 4 3808 1001
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

Fav 8 1468 4261
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

Fav 18 1350 5610
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

Fav 32 5908 1281
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.

Fav 3 1688 2512
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

Fav 8 1315 3349
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

Fav 14 8056 1246
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

Fav 7 6471 1316
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

Fav 26 1604 8462
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

Fav 19 5282 1027
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

Fav 10 3398 1046
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

Fav 13 1673 3352
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

Fav 18 5382 1031
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.

Fav 2 2338 1005
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

Fav 10 1244 4587
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

Fav 14 3456 1811
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.

Fav 33 1423 3281
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

Fav 8 2875 1693
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

Fav 4 5607 1381
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

Fav 14 7323 1144
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks

Fav 4 1349 2306
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

Fav 7 3621 1074
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

Fav 12 9066 1270
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

Fav 32 4433 2110
share tweet
(714): View more from California

he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

Fav 14 4980 1196
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

Fav 37 14188 1707
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?

Fav 6 2796 1032
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

Fav 11 1079 4607
share tweet
(932): View more from

The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change

Fav 13 2421 1418
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.

Fav 3 2534 1359
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.

Fav 18 1126 5765
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

Fav 7 2956 1174
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

Fav 6 3903 1095
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

Fav 15 6584 1270
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10581 1521
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

Fav 10 4208 1002
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

Fav 31 7187 2192
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

Fav 13 5652 1472
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

Fav 3 3572 1125
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall

Fav 4 2030 1669
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

Fav 7 4454 1117
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.

Fav 6 1327 3309
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses

Fav 4 5364 1094
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

Fav 9 3820 1381
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.

Fav 25 1735 3833
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

Fav 14 5714 2915
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

Fav 8 4518 1400
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

Fav 21 4715 1531
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2680
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

Fav 16 6523 1324
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko

Fav 18 4361 1272
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

Fav 30 5825 2180
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

Fav 10 4820 1492
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wonder if you can snort coke upside down

Fav 20 1669 3262
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.

Fav 8 3272 1519
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.

Fav 14 1463 5186
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

Fav 9 6893 1096
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

Fav 7 1387 3769
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

Fav 30 3429 5324
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

Fav 15 1735 6229
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

Fav 18 4659 1286
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

Fav 17 1952 4744
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11272 1739
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15357 1683
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

Fav 21 6620 1328
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

Fav 6 3220 1321
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

Fav 12 1184 3261
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8880 1353
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

Fav 17 4257 1854
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

Fav 13 1691 4197
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

Fav 17 4889 1484
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

Fav 9 2248 3832
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

Fav 8 4095 1410
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

Fav 17 1266 4476
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

Fav 21 1866 4013
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

Fav 23 1739 3833
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

Fav 25 3442 7135
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

Fav 20 5359 1404
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

Fav 10 5356 1219
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

Fav 5 3817 1152
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

Fav 10 4066 1276
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

Fav 33 1307 4595
share tweet
(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

Fav 13 4460 1156
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

Fav 7 3747 1151
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

Fav 8 3929 1202
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

Fav 11 2892 1745
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.

Fav 7 3125 1194
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

Fav 9 2446 1104
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

Fav 20 1450 4298
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

Fav 16 4554 1507
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.

Fav 6 2258 1483
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

Fav 13 5014 1658
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5945 1202
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.

Fav 2 2698 1328
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

Fav 11 4833 1562
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough

Fav 1 2668 1117
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

Fav 5 4618 1131
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

Fav 2 1286 3835
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

Fav 16 7188 1398
share tweet
(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

Fav 8 2065 4745
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

Fav 19 2253 7743
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

Fav 9 1700 4288
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.

Fav 20 1210 4557
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

Fav 33 3014 5316
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

Fav 24 1536 7252
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

Fav 23 8394 1501
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

Fav 13 4525 1876
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

Fav 15 4162 1882
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

Fav 9 5530 1314
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

Fav 24 1747 4664
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

Fav 6 1111 3628
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

Fav 12 3931 1589
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

Fav 2 3109 1132
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

Fav 15 5587 1659
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

Fav 9 4662 1482
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

Fav 28 9120 1819
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

Fav 4 6899 1349
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

Fav 6 5207 2061
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

Fav 10 1385 4465
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

Fav 20 7075 1608
share tweet
(805): View more from California

i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

Fav 5 1060 2377
share tweet
(805): View more from California

My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.

Fav 10 1056 1207
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

Fav 34 1340 5200
share tweet
(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

Fav 12 7681 1113
share tweet
(805): View more from California

So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair

Fav 9 2167 824
share tweet
(805): View more from California

all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.

Fav 14 1136 4317
share tweet
(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

Fav 75 3630 10495
share tweet
(805): View more from California

im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking

Fav 26 4633 995
share tweet
(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

Fav 19 4890 1221
share tweet
(805): View more from California

he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me

Fav 18 947 4310
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

Fav 16 6909 1071
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

Fav 7 7864 1246
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

Fav 15 7173 2532
share tweet
(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

Fav 50 1954 18993
share tweet
(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

Fav 22 9430 1750
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

Fav 20 4145 1436
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

Fav 4 1359 1542
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

Fav 8 3371 1901
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1927
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

Fav 8 3838 1407
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

Fav 23 8661 1326
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

Fav 13 5148 2517
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

Fav 39 5621 1616
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

Fav 16 1838 7782
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

Fav 15 5788 1387
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself

Fav 9 1304 4044
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

Fav 7 4213 1508
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

Fav 13 3050 1932
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

Fav 20 6710 1847
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6865 2111
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

Fav 17 1392 6419
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5655 1473
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

Fav 5 1864 6257
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3393 6132
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

Fav 8 4797 1184
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

Fav 17 1366 5703
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

Fav 6 5139 1170
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor

Fav 2 2726 1079
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

Fav 16 1437 4994
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

Fav 19 6064 2039
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

Fav 13 2999 1496
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

Fav 7 3930 2061
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

Fav 12 7149 1675
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

Fav 12 6038 1522
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

Fav 6 5428 1171
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

Fav 6 4291 996
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

Fav 8 4688 1240
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

Fav 5 4991 1193
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

Fav 25 7076 1343
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

Fav 11 1468 3674
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

Fav 4 5637 1401
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

Fav 25 6134 1423
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

Fav 12 9610 1600
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

Fav 10 1530 4091
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

Fav 38 2427 10386
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

Fav 20 9287 2023
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

Fav 31 8196 1701
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

Fav 8 1661 3841
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

Fav 16 6165 1968
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

Fav 11 5427 2019
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

Fav 7 4223 1583
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

Fav 12 7336 1401
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

Fav 3 3189 1620
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

Fav 13 7341 1441
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

Fav 13 6248 1419
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

Fav 8 1109 3946
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

Fav 36 2943 5634
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

Fav 58 1770 9259
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15471 2159
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4891 2180
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2054
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

Fav 81 7217 1684
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

Fav 9 6694 1377
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2839
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

Fav 35 2771 10480
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9261
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

Fav 26 6694 2352
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

Fav 21 5603 2447
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

Fav 18 1524 4153
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

Fav 7 4261 1974
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11942 1622
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7295 1536
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

Fav 23 5562 1557
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

Fav 57 1748 7136
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

Fav 12 2107 6353
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

Fav 13 1613 6642
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15617 1661
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.

Fav 12 1537 2935
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7700 2443
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

Fav 17 10848 1528
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

Fav 17 5338 1355
share tweet