Texts From Last Night · walle8778's Favorites

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walle8778's Favorites Texts:

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

That is beautiful

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(973): View more from New Jersey

THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

[email protected]

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(308): View more from Nebraska

got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long

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(607): View more from New York

WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"

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(516): View more from New York

He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was

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(586): View more from Michigan

You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(425): View more from Washington

I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.

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(409): View more from Texas

There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

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(716): View more from New York

Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(613): View more from Ontario

As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.

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(516): View more from New York

My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO

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(239): View more from Florida

Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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(303): View more from Colorado

they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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(515): View more from Iowa

You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

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(831): View more from California

You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!

(408): View more from California

For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(740): View more from Ohio

They shoved things up my nose I feel violated

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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(760): View more from California

You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(253): View more from Washington

I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..

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(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.

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(254): View more from Texas

you are never too drunk for berry picking

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

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(416): View more from Toronto

We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

That is like, the point of shorts

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(706): View more from Georgia

so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(512): View more from Texas

I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(614): View more from Ohio

He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(512): View more from Texas

all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(573): View more from Missouri

You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?

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(212): View more from New York

There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(703): View more from Virginia

it wasn't lemon gatorade

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(713): View more from Texas

Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(551): View more from New Jersey

The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(408): View more from California

the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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