Texts From Last Night · roztheman's Favorites

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roztheman's Favorites Texts:

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

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(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.

(802): View more from Vermont

...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(251): View more from Alabama

i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(315): View more from New York

covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Welcome to every minute of my life.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(646): View more from New York

Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(713): View more from Texas

Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

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(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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(206): View more from Washington

That's when you crack a 10am beer

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(530): View more from California

No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

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(602): View more from Arizona

you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(773): View more from Illinois

smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

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(631): View more from New York

Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.

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(480): View more from Arizona

you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(740): View more from Ohio

Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.

(740): View more from Ohio

Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight

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(330): View more from Ohio

When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?

(440): View more from Ohio

What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(325): View more from Texas

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta

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(251): View more from Alabama

just found the deal breaker

(1-251): View more from Alabama

hairy back?

(251): View more from Alabama

he can't live within 1000 ft of a school

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(210): View more from Texas

I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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(563): View more from Iowa

whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(817): View more from Texas

Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes

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(770): View more from Georgia

just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight

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(941): View more from Florida

Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how I know you're gay?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(614): View more from Ohio

just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(904): View more from Florida

5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.

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(407): View more from Florida

tod's in jail

(863): View more from Florida

he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?

(602): View more from Arizona

no jk, not my room

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(804): View more from Virginia

im drinking this country out of the recession.

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(361): View more from Texas

Screwed.edu

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(708): View more from Illinois

chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles

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