Texts From Last Night · possum9's Favorites

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possum9's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I was tackling you out of excitement

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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(631): View more from New York

In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(785): View more from Kansas

apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did it finish?

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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(716): View more from New York

Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(214): View more from Texas

The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(210): View more from Texas

just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

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(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(916): View more from California

If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(307): View more from Wyoming

yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(217): View more from Illinois

What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.

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(325): View more from Texas

That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.

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(845): View more from New York

Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk

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(678): View more from Georgia

Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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(510): View more from California

God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism

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(650): View more from California

Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(804): View more from Virginia

quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(574): View more from Indiana

i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(513): View more from Ohio

Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(847): View more from Illinois

how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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