Texts From Last Night · Pilla's Favorites

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Pilla's Favorites Texts:

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(206): View more from Washington

tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(513): View more from Ohio

do you believe in love at first sight?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

awwwwww =)

(513): View more from Ohio

yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how can getting a pizza be this hard?

(817): View more from Texas

when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(480): View more from Arizona

This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(949): View more from California

so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

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(310): View more from California

When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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(443): View more from Maryland

Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

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(937): View more from Ohio

there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

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(424): View more from California

I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(916): View more from California

does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(760): View more from California

the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows

(1-760): View more from California

i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

(586): View more from Michigan

We did he did.

(586): View more from Michigan

When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(305): View more from Florida

If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(302): View more from Delaware

No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

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(818): View more from California

Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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