he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
