He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
