Texts From Last Night · rathrbeinabikini's Favorites

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rathrbeinabikini's Favorites Texts:

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(904): View more from Florida

Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'

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(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

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(315): View more from New York

After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine

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(347): View more from New York

When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards

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(660): View more from Missouri

He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.

(816): View more from Missouri

Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...

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(563): View more from Iowa

Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(217): View more from Illinois

yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(360): View more from Washington

last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?

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(586): View more from Michigan

and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(641): View more from Iowa

yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(914): View more from New York

Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(916): View more from California

We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench

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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(613): View more from Ontario

I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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(925): View more from California

After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(305): View more from Florida

Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(845): View more from New York

Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(360): View more from Washington

Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(925): View more from California

Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(518): View more from New York

You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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(917): View more from New York City

No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?

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(310): View more from California

You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(509): View more from Washington

I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he quoted the bible to break up with me

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(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

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(571): View more from Virginia

we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(515): View more from Iowa

Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.

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(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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(916): View more from California

She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(775): View more from Nevada

How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(316): View more from Kansas

I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men

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(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(970): View more from Colorado

I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(586): View more from Michigan

hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink

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(631): View more from New York

his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

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(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak

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(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?

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(932): View more from

The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(512): View more from Texas

you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

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(314): View more from Missouri

Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.

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(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(510): View more from California

Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(512): View more from Texas

It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(406): View more from Montana

let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(916): View more from California

Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.

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(845): View more from New York

we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on

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(514): View more from Quebec

I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(865): View more from Tennessee

that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.

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(804): View more from Virginia

omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

(804): View more from Virginia

He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(509): View more from Washington

I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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(360): View more from Washington

im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(714): View more from California

Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(210): View more from Texas

I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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(210): View more from Texas

After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(309): View more from Illinois

I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?

(1-917): View more from New York City

I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(408): View more from California

He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(650): View more from California

PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

(773): View more from Illinois

No - puma.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(619): View more from California

Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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(443): View more from Maryland

party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there

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(305): View more from Florida

I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(425): View more from Washington

After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

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(561): View more from Florida

He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(206): View more from Washington

i want to swaddle you in tequila

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(903): View more from Texas

I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.

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