Texts From Last Night · klauryl's Favorites

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(443): View more from Maryland

THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS

(1-443): View more from Maryland

excuse me?

(443): View more from Maryland

I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.

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(425): View more from Washington

Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(785): View more from Kansas

Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(831): View more from California

So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great

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(303): View more from Colorado

I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."

(404): View more from Georgia

That's how I look going for the pbr.

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(469): View more from Texas

The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free

(502): View more from Kentucky

Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(607): View more from New York

Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.

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(512): View more from Texas

Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.

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(916): View more from California

I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

I want to have sex with him.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(310): View more from California

Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.

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(567): View more from Ohio

Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(250): View more from British Columbia

some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF

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(614): View more from Ohio

Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

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(708): View more from Illinois

Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?

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(360): View more from Washington

We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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(714): View more from California

He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

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(574): View more from Indiana

i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(719): View more from Colorado

We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(914): View more from New York

I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.

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(845): View more from New York

I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(208): View more from Idaho

And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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(214): View more from Texas

How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(435): View more from Utah

Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(847): View more from Illinois

As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.

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(518): View more from New York

I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?

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(714): View more from California

It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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(509): View more from Washington

first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(419): View more from Ohio

Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.

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(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"

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(913): View more from Kansas

To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(559): View more from California

He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(850): View more from Florida

If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.

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(415): View more from California

So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...

(1-415): View more from California

So no fakes?

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(631): View more from New York

when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(315): View more from New York

So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.

(315): View more from New York

They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.

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(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

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(540): View more from Virginia

Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.

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(509): View more from Washington

My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

(541): View more from Oregon

It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(541): View more from Oregon

To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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(541): View more from Oregon

You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience

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(541): View more from Oregon

the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?

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(541): View more from Oregon

we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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(607): View more from New York

It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

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(619): View more from California

I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

(1-817): View more from Texas

This hangover makes more sense now

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(802): View more from Vermont

You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(305): View more from Florida

Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(443): View more from Maryland

party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there

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(661): View more from California

We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(703): View more from Virginia

Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(925): View more from California

Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.

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(480): View more from Arizona

allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.

(203): View more from Connecticut

needless to say I left

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(219): View more from Indiana

shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Oh shit. There are penis maracas

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(714): View more from California

I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(804): View more from Virginia

They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(310): View more from California

Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(678): View more from Georgia

There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

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(775): View more from Nevada

At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(760): View more from California

Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha

(1-760): View more from California

I hate my life

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(212): View more from New York

He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(626): View more from California

My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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(214): View more from Texas

Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(712): View more from Iowa

slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(248): View more from Michigan

This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.

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(503): View more from Oregon

still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(914): View more from New York

saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(432): View more from Texas

He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(630): View more from Illinois

after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked

(708): View more from Illinois

so?

(630): View more from Illinois

then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(614): View more from Ohio

She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir

(952): View more from Minnesota

details?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

alcohol + bed + penis = sex

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(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(845): View more from New York

Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(702): View more from Nevada

And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(630): View more from Illinois

He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(561): View more from Florida

She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(530): View more from California

for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(360): View more from Washington

we are all sexual creatures

(951): View more from California

yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(760): View more from California

If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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(810): View more from Michigan

So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(219): View more from Indiana

I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth

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(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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