Texts From Last Night · gobreakdancex33's Favorites

Sorry joehasfreshswag hasn't picked any favorites yet.

gobreakdancex33's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6604 2303
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

Fav 6 5428 1171
share tweet

(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

Fav 19 1819 3218
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

Fav 13 4511 1337
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

Fav 18 7737 1190
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10882 1595
share tweet

(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

Fav 26 6131 1149
share tweet

(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

Fav 17 2453 4698
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

Fav 18 4676 1569
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

Fav 8 3620 1528
share tweet

(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

Fav 17 4251 1121
share tweet

(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

Fav 31 3066 5762
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

Fav 42 12884 1695
share tweet

(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

Fav 62 6987 2334
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

Fav 13 4662 1771
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

Fav 46 10718 1840
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

Fav 22 1793 4310
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

Fav 50 7005 2901
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

Fav 32 2033 7407
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

Fav 26 5835 1877
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

Fav 35 7850 1578
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1593
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

Fav 18 8123 1226
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

Fav 36 1417 7571
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

Fav 39 5441 3196
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

Fav 40 5081 2431
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

Fav 16 7805 1294
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9261
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7295 1536
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

Fav 17 2147 5275
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15617 1661
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

Fav 36 7700 2443
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13677 1686
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

Fav 12 3484 2223
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope

Fav 28 1534 4999
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

Fav 48 1724 10221
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

Fav 64 5466 1936
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

Fav 20 5932 2210
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

Fav 37 2140 5688
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

Fav 42 3861 841
share tweet
(310): View more from California

once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there

Fav 36 1129 9966
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

Fav 26 10301 1576
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

Fav 18 1549 4294
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

Fav 34 1763 5214
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

Fav 12 4378 1064
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

Fav 47 15196 2261
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

Fav 19 7423 2466
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

Fav 36 7000 1853
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

Fav 16 6388 1516
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.

Fav 17 1795 4650
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

Fav 49 2633 5721
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"

Fav 20 1873 5871
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

Fav 9 4725 1268
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7281
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

Fav 10 3872 1921
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

Fav 19 5547 1417
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

Fav 11 5335 1253
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

Fav 12 2836 6332
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.

Fav 43 1716 3069
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

Fav 59 2347 3993
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

Fav 17 1431 10445
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

Fav 11 7752 1738
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

Fav 16 5216 1461
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

Fav 24 2422 4896
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

Fav 31 5634 2520
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

Fav 19 2871 837
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.

Fav 6 1338 3497
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

Fav 52 9109 1698
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

Fav 11 2207 5294
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35066 2918
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

Fav 155 16329 2366
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

Fav 17 1866 6005
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3247 10005
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

Fav 28 1430 9282
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

Fav 23 5623 1734
share tweet
(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

Fav 24 8605 1400
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

Fav 38 4778 7822
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

Fav 21 5707 1535
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

Fav 22 7351 1404
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35242 2055
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck

Fav 22 4017 1397
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

Fav 19 3630 1734
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

Fav 14 1413 5198
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6977 2836
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

Fav 16 4527 1298
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.

Fav 20 1711 5700
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

Fav 21 9507 1597
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

Fav 40 1935 14477
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

Fav 28 5353 2033
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

Fav 43 3029 6021
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

Fav 28 2046 7208
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

Fav 38 1226 9230
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

Fav 13 5069 1301
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9034 5323
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

Fav 20 2420 5841
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

Fav 21 1312 4998
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

Fav 31 7484 1151
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

Fav 81 1052 10049
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

Fav 44 2030 4520
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.

Fav 87 846 4617
share tweet
(530): View more from California

69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle

Fav 31 1049 6883
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick

Fav 20 1731 2096
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

Fav 39 1407 11705
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

Fav 14 5737 1176
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

Fav 46 9163 1685
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

Fav 41 2369 5079
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

Fav 16 4599 3506
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

Fav 48 9210 1625
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

Fav 72 13228 1639
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."

Fav 7 1302 4266
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146093 10745
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12931 1961
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

Fav 13 6080 1154
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

Fav 19 4853 1625
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

Fav 45 3885 1035
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49741
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination

Fav 26 5434 811
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

Fav 19 5333 879
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

Fav 25 6986 1289
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

Fav 19 7768 1964
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

Fav 21 11329 1138
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14526 5762
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

Fav 38 18133 2486
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31329 2833
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

Fav 162 2746 36898
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

Fav 31 6469 1243
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

Fav 38 9113 1068
share tweet