Texts From Last Night · fgt's Favorites

Sorry 13f hasn't picked any favorites yet.

fgt's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

Fav 13 3609 2188
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7599 1593
share tweet

(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

Fav 12 5360 2648
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6582 1640
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1515 4415
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

Fav 11 4849 1278
share tweet

(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.

Fav 5 3098 1349
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway

Fav 15 3939 1165
share tweet
(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

Fav 21 4711 1445
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

Fav 24 5792 1394
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8046 1484
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

Fav 20 5570 1310
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

Fav 12 6199 1211
share tweet

(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6242 1625
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

Fav 20 4491 1250
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14195 1646
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

Fav 37 9292 1488
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

Fav 7 5206 1408
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1556
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

Fav 16 4747 1467
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

Fav 7 5471 1477
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

Fav 11 3041 1670
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5913 1312
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

Fav 19 7729 1469
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

Fav 10 5069 1539
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

Fav 11 3803 1543
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

Fav 15 5558 1805
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

Fav 10 6656 1281
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

Fav 17 4397 2532
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death

Fav 6 3677 1296
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

Fav 10 4945 1711
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2221
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

Fav 4 4118 1087
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

Fav 16 1371 4683
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

Fav 42 6286 1722
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze

Fav 14 5576 1404
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

Fav 21 7495 1198
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

Fav 10 4264 1691
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

Fav 14 4659 1335
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4817 1521
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

Fav 5 6298 1518
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

Fav 9 3867 1574
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

Fav 13 4633 2192
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

Fav 14 1402 4914
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

Fav 5 4673 1655
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

Fav 17 1500 8437
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

Fav 23 4456 2250
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

Fav 13 5206 1428
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

(804): View more from Virginia

i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

(786): View more from Florida

that would mean it's on tape

Fav 6 4212 1235
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.

Fav 8 3982 1120
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

Fav 12 5036 1139
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9072 1566
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

Fav 7 3613 1604
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

Fav 16 4527 1298
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.

Fav 12 4913 1170
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

Fav 7 4958 1377
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

Fav 19 4816 2330
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

Fav 20 7402 2127
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

Fav 14 5675 1234
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin

(1-862): View more from New Jersey

doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you

Fav 19 1523 3145
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

Fav 33 6268 1608
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

Fav 7 4196 1347
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

Fav 12 6721 1356
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

Fav 25 1626 4754
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

Fav 13 5277 1228
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

Fav 9 5705 1172
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

Fav 37 1547 6449
share tweet
(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

Fav 15 4892 1933
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

Fav 11 5221 1740
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

Fav 19 5078 2316
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.

Fav 23 2247 3406
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

Fav 20 7621 1234
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.

Fav 17 1163 5449
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour

(513): View more from Ohio

its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem

Fav 6 1196 3404
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

Fav 27 7270 1786
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

Fav 7 4354 1530
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

Fav 30 1356 8974
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.

Fav 33 1347 3607
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

Fav 20 2246 5082
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME

Fav 23 3845 1754
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6851 1479
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

Fav 23 3705 3723
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

Fav 25 1162 7100
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

Fav 23 4068 1229
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2041
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30395 1601
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing

Fav 8 1161 4505
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

Fav 20 7816 1671
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

Fav 13 5502 1213
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

Fav 12 1264 4960
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

Fav 15 7523 1386
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

Fav 25 5952 1123
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

Fav 20 5360 1329
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10303 1562
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35242 2055
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.

Fav 6 1057 4140
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

Fav 9 4575 1297
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

Fav 28 5823 1304
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

Fav 10 5241 1284
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

Fav 22 2599 4741
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

Fav 15 1681 4529
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

Fav 21 2052 4573
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

Fav 13 6064 1104
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

Fav 10 5626 1511
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on

Fav 10 1262 3634
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

Fav 10 8804 1414
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

Fav 52 10723 1659
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13297 1706
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16525 2167
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

Fav 36 13340 1666
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

Fav 65 14382 3190
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13977 1462
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16747 2241
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1760
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3088
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26486 2347
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89716 8271
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9681
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88548 4081
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104248 6824
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92792 4894
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115821 11196
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131161 3913
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120246 4356
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106496 10566
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10745
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173860 44315
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

she looked like the bat from fern gully.

Fav 31 1145 3689
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

Fav 33 16033 1365
share tweet
(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

Fav 35 8827 2332
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

Fav 33 5006 1300
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9414 1606
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

Fav 33 8086 1151
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

Fav 20 12052 1544
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

Fav 10 1278 4170
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

Fav 82 11648 2012
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

Fav 24 4912 1434
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

Fav 24 4650 1342
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

Fav 10 3809 1156
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

Fav 8 4651 1189
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

Fav 22 5712 3063
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

Fav 9 4415 1354
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

Fav 3 3453 1281
share tweet
(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

Fav 38 5121 1394
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

Fav 21 5005 1498
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

Fav 44 7184 2077
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

Fav 21 2613 4574
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

Fav 17 4979 1330
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

Fav 22 9145 1731
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

Fav 14 6053 1703
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8707 1629
share tweet