I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
