My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
