I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
