Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
