Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
